So I finally left my home on the ward to face the real world for a while. Well real world been a week in Ibiza which was amazing, stressful at times and although there were several times when I felt overwhelmed by it all I still carried on and had a fab holiday. Now I'm back to reality and I have started daycare which is 8am till 4pm Monday to Friday so far its going ok it's a lot different to the unit but I think I needed that, it's far more relaxed and certainly less intense.
I had a dreaded birthday yesterday which I'm not great with at the best of times as I always feel like its another year of my life I've wasted having an eating disorder, however while there were certainly elements of that thinking yesterday this year at least I can hold my hands up honestly and say I'm fighting it and making progress on my journey.
I took a huge step last night and arranged to go out for a meal not just with my parents but also with several very good friends I admit I was terrified at the thought of eating with them but I never the less faced my fear and had a really good time. I went back to my friends house and watched a DVD and it was lovely to feel special on my birthday and that was down to them. I did have a wobble where I got upset about Ben, its the first birthday in 12 years without him or even a card and that was hard to face. I am still missing him desperately and trying to find a way through but it is not an easy task. However I have some amazing friends who are supporting and loving me and I couldn't ask for more.
So this Saturday I'm really challenging myself and I'm holding a BBQ to which I have invited lots of people and I am raising money for Macmillan and also for the unit which was my home for almost nine months, just my way of giving something back to them for giving me back my life. The second big challenge of the day however will be me going back to work, I will be working just Saturdays for the time being and while I am excited to be going back I am terrified. I'm scared on several levels, what people will say to me about how I look, scared about not remembering what to do or finding that everything's changed and scared of eating not just lunch but also snacks. Oh well guess I will just have to continue as I have been, feeling the fear and doing it anyway.