Tuesday, 16 April 2013


I feel like my world has been destroyed and the one thing I was sure of has been ripped away.

I went on leave on Wednesday and went home to talk to Ben as I feared the outcome was not what I wanted but what I had feared, we talked, shouted, cried, and then fell asleep in each others arms, it was at that point that I thought we had a chance, I was wrong. Ben told me that he was going to Devon for a couple of days to join his parents who were there on holiday as he needed space to think and get his head straight but if I asked him for a decision there and then I wouldn't like the answer.

I was distraught so I called a taxi as I couldn't face watching him drive away, I spent the next couple of days at mom and dads inconsolable and very confused. Ben txt me several times the first to say he was going away to make sure he was staying with me for the right reasons and not leaving for the wrong! This just confused me even more than I was! There were several other texts each one ended with "I love you xx" I felt like maybe there was hope that a break away would recharge him and we would be ok.

Yet again I was wrong, he returned on Saturday and after a lovely afternoon with my girlfriends they dropped me back at the house. I was so scared I felt like my heart was in my mouth sick and terrified of what he would say.

We tiptoed about for the first five minutes or so making general conversation about this and that until he announced that he couldn't drag it on any longer and wanted out. It's fair to say my upset turned to anger and I yelled at him that he was a lier that he didn't love me because if he did he wouldn't be walking away. I told him the day we got married was a complete lie as his vows clearly meant nothing in sickness and in health till death us part well they clearly mean nothing to him and therefore I can only assume he is a lier. I tried to smash the wedding picture on the wall but Ben took it off me so I removed another and smashed it and told him by the time I got back I wanted him gone at that point I left walked round the corner and collapsed on to the floor in an inconsolable state and waited for mom to get me.

Mom bundled me in to the car and we got half way to hers and I said I wanted to go back, part of me hoped he would be there and have decided after all I had said that he did love me and couldn't be without me I was wrong he had gone and his actions clearly spoke volumes to me what had he taken? The computer and his new camera! Proved to me what his priorities are.

So I have spent the last week inconsolably crying, feeling destroyed and confused. Despite me asking several times for an explanation as to why and why now he refuses to give me one. The only thing he txt me was that it would never have been a good time but now I'm stronger I will hopefully be more able to cope!! Cheers Ben so I've picked myself up started to make real progress and then you pull the rug from underneath me and knock me back down.

As he refuses to give me the answers I need I am left to only make assumptions, I have come to the conclusion that me getting better threatened the life he had not only got while I was in hospital but the life he had had for a year or so prior to my admission. I have never stopped him doing anything I stood by him when he wanted to start his own business despite us being financially crippled and almost loosing the house because it was his dream and was determined to make a go of it and I had faith in him, he has continued to be part of his theatre groups and gone out with friends on nights out often not even coming home. Through all of this I have stood by never telling him he couldn't do them and continued to cook and clean and not really asking anything from him in return. His life style was not massively affected by me being in hospital he continued to do all the things he did before and I always told him to put himself and work first and that I would understand if he couldn't come and visit, I even told him not to come at weekends so he had time for himself. Well what a bloody mistake that was over the last few months he has come less and less to the point that even some members of staff have commented on him not being here, he has gone out more and more and continued to post photos of him out and about drinking and cavorting with friends without a thought to how they might make me feel but I put up with it as I thought that I was doing all I could to ensure we could enjoy things together. He has effectively led a single mans life but with a wife who would cook and clean and not really ask for anything in return. The time that I ask for something and he decides he now can't cope and so buggers off!!
I now think that he realised that with me getting better I would want to be involved in his life wanting to go out with him and spend time as a couple and this would interfere with his own social life which I'm not part of. I did tell him this and asked him why he didn't invite me he said that I never wanted to go or couldn't face people which is true but I have been making changes and I pointed out how would he know if he didn't ask. The point is he didn't ask and I foolishly didn't just invite myself or tell him not to go so we could do stuff together I suppose I was too scared to stop him doing stuff incase he resented me for it how wrong was I.

So what now? In truth I have no idea it is still so very raw and I am desperately hurt, angry, confused and more importantly heart broken. Ben is the love of my life but more than that I thought he was my soul mate and best friend but a wise man told me (my dad) someone can only be a soul mate if they feel the same. Until now I thought he did feel the same and that he wanted the future we planned together, the future I've been fighting seven months for us to have.

It's a mess were married, have a house and mortgage together, debts together and most importantly a cat!! What happens now I really don't know where I live and how the hell I start rebuilding a life I don't know. I didn't think at almost 32 I would be starting all over again, all I have known for the last 12 years is Ben every happy memory is of him and my reason for living has been him and I'm not sure how to face a future without him, until this last week I have not gone a single day in 12 years without speaking to him and I have gone from that to a future when I never see or speak to him again. I'm so scared and don't have any idea what to do, I am just so thankful I have truly amazing friends and family who are supporting, loving and guiding me through this who without I would not be here.

Monday, 8 April 2013

When dreams become nightmares and nightmares become reality!!

I think it would be true to say that my world collapsed on Saturday, everything I believed in, felt secure with was destroyed in a few minutes and left me feeling like i was free falling without a parachute just waiting to hit the ground.

After a few very difficult weeks recently with one thing and another I finally felt over the last couple that I had turned a corner, I had settled back in to unit life with a renewed vigour to fight this illness and to finally be strong and well. I have been looking at my future and reevaluating my options and thinking about what I want to do, even thinking about new activities I think I might enjoy and even taking steps to find out where I could try them.

The most important step for me however was my ignited passion to make a better future and relationship for Ben and I. I realised just how hard my illness has been on him as well as me and how much of a real relationship it has robbed us both of and how much I want if back.
I find it so difficult to be physically close as I'm so uncomfortable in my own body I can't begin to comprehend why anyone would want to touch or be close to it let alone think its in any way attractive, it's because of this that I have avoided too much physical contact but I realise this must have felt like I was pushing Ben away and probably left him feeling unloved, unwanted and possibly like I didn't find him attractive, in fact nothing could be farther from the truth. I want nothing more than to be close to him and to be able to show him that closeness. So the last couple of weeks I have really tried to make steps to improve our relationship not leaps I grant you but steps never the less but as some famous bloke once said "one small step for man one giant leap for mankind" we'll I guess the same goes for me.

I have tried to spend as much time with Ben as I can, pushing anorexic thoughts as far away as possible so that where I can all my attention has been on Ben. I have taken steps to get closer physically sitting next to him on the sofa rather than on the other sofa cuddling and generally showing more affection. We have gone out together to things that I have not only suggested but also arranged finally taking a more equal and active part in the relationship instead of being looked after and Ben having to take on the role of carer rather than husband. It's fair to say I felt better about stuff even when things were hard or weight stressed me out at least I felt as a couple we were getting stronger and I was getting stronger and that I was finally fighting for me as well as for others. I realised there is no me but only a we as in my mind Ben and I are one only now were both fighting rather than Ben fighting on his own.

So imagine my distress, confusion, sadness and complete helplessness when Ben told me on Saturday that he didn't think we could have the future we wanted and we should split up! It came following a talk about the steps I had been taking and me asking if he ever felt like he couldn't take anymore and wanted to leave. He explained that if he had wanted to go he would have done after all I have told him many times that I would understand if he wanted to walk away and get the better life he so deserved but he has always said that I am his life and he wanted to spend it with me. He explained how hard the last 18 months have been but realised the steps I had been taking to make us stronger and then in what felt like a blink of an eye he was telling me he didn't think we had a future and he wanted to split! I've never actually been stabbed but I imagine it couldn't be more painful that the feeling of those words cutting straight through me like a knife, the words resonating in my head like like I've knocked the repeat button and am now unable up turn it off.

Distressed doesn't even come close to how I felt and indeed still feel. I don't think I have ever gone through such a variety of emotions in a short space of time first came a calm almost accepting resolve quickly followed by immense sadness, tears, distress, begging and then anger. Then jumbling together to create an emotional wreck of a human who was unable to think, comprehend or feel.

I begged him to reconsider pointing out I had really started to make changes and that I was stronger in myself and was prepared to fight for us to be ok and he didn't need to fight for the two of us anymore and I could fight for the both of us.

Ben went out as he said he needed to think and so I too went out and ended up walking for three and a half miles till I ended up at a pub with a vodka shot in one hand and a cigarette in the other, night good considering I hadn't smoked since the smoking ban came in but it just felt right in a world where nothing else did.

By the time I returned Ben told me he thought we were worth fighting for but he needed to get his head straight. Sunday was hard we both put on our fake exteriors and went to gadget show live as planned.

Monday morning however as I was about to leave to go back to the unit I felt such unease that if I went back I would be sealing the date of our relationship and didn't know what to do. I explained to ben that I was terrified if I went that he would change his mind again and say it was over. In the end I couldn't face going back and being alone and so I stopped at mom and dads for some tlc returning to the unit yesterday morning.

The unit was horrid as I just couldn't face the constant questioning if I was ok and ended up sleeping much of the day just to get through.

So here I am I am hoping for open leave for a week from today to try to get something sorted and the plan is to go home today to talk things through. I am so scared that this talk will just lead to the same conclusion as last time and I will be left with nothing but fear, misery and anger. All I am sure of is that even though I might have nothing or no one to go out to I will not give up in my personal journey to beat this illness as I've come too far and worked too hard to throw it away.