Disaster

In a word that would describe my weekend leave it did not go well and made me feel like I have not moved forward at all except for getting fatter!!

Saturday Ben and I were going to test drive a car with mom, well Ben was there to advise I was there to look at the beautiful beetle I saw the week before, then after lunch we were going to the cinema. Disaster number one was that it took longer at the car garage than anticipated which was fine but I then freaked out and said I couldn't eat a sandwich in the car, despite the fact I could before and so we ended up not having time to go to the cinema. I know deep down the reason I couldn't do it was incase I freaked out and decided I couldn't keep it and needed to vomit so it was just like before, completely ruining my day and dictating what I was able to do.

We ended up going home after lunch at moms and watching a film which in itself was nice but not really what either of us had wanted to do.
Ben went out to a celebration meal on the evening and so I went to moms for dinner. I made a lasagne but panicked when putting it out with mom that the portion was too big and so made it smaller. I managed it ok but disaster struck after when I couldn't stop myself picking at more of it which caused me to freak out and make myself sick. In hindsight I think the original portion size was better.

So that wrote Saturday off as pretty much ruined but I hoped Sunday would be better, alas it wasn't!

As it was Mother's Day I planned to make a small buffet lunch for everyone which while I made it it went ok and I resisted the urge to eat anything but that wasn't the case afterwards and yet again I found myself picking, panicking and purging. I stayed for the day as Ben went over to see his mom and have dinner with her on the night while I had dinner with mom. Dinner itself was ok and I had a small pudding instead of an afternoon snack and although I had to question the portion size several times it went ok. Same old though I couldn't seem to stop myself picking at bits after not a binge but enough to freak me out so I didn't really know how much I had eaten and so inevitably had to purge. Went back to the unit for 9pm and for the first time in a long time was glad to be back so I couldn't possibly have more food than normal.

I explained to my family and the nursing team what had happened and said that possibly the introductory portion size is not really enough and my body is causing me to pick because it needs more than its getting, of course purging for the last couple of weeks more frequently has not really helped.

So a decision has been made, I have to go a full week without purging so my body can settle down slightly so i have a real idea what my weight is doing and providing all stays stable I will take the plunge and go to normal portions which is both exciting and terrifying me.

So far I have done two and a half days and touch wood weight has not done much, all I am worried about is getting through the weekend when there will be food around. I should hopefully see a dietician prior to then so I can make a fixed plan of what and how much I am going to eat and fingers crossed we have a better weekend.