Wednesday, 30 January 2013


Oh my stars as if this illness wasn't hard enough on leave for the dentist on Friday I decide that it would be a simply wonderful idea to throw my self on the floor, lie on solid ice for forty minutes and dislocate my hip in the process, genius!! Several painful hours in a&e and i was given the ok to go home as nothing was broken and the hip was back in place one small problem err I can't move!!! All I can say is that it is typical of this hospital but for fear of a liable case I shall not mention names.

I finally got returned to the unit via patient transfer and was wheeled in still flat on a stretchier the transfer to my bed was agony and the whole experience was made significantly worse by one particular staff nurse who couldn't wait to get me packed off to the general so they could better manage my needs, I pointed out that I would not be going and I would transfer from bed to wheelchair to use the bathroom even if the pain was horrific as I had worked too hard to go to the general and have no structured eating plan in place and so undo all my work. The sentiment was echoed by Ben and my parents and they all agreed that the woman is, to be honest and pardoning my language, a heinous bitch!!

Anyway all my weekend leave was cancelled so I didn't get my hair done and now am unable to have it done for three weeks as rather selfishly my hairdresser is getting married and going on honeymoon for two weeks typical!! I also missed my friends party which I had been psyching myself up for for several weeks as I would see friends I hadn't seen since summer last year.

All the pain and disappointment though was soon to be replaced by something far far worse. Over the weekend my stomach had become very swollen and bloated to the point that even the staff couldn't disagree with me and so when Monday came along I was terrified for two reasons, the first was how I would actually be able to get on the scales and the second how much weight I would have put on having been stuck on a bed but my god nothing could have prepared me for the reality. I somehow managed to get on the scales although I think most of the weight went through one leg (which my dad said will change the reading but I don't really see how this can be true) and I had put on almost half a stone in four days, hysterical I think would best describe the reaction. The staff and dietician have said that there is no way it can be a true weight and must be due to swelling and constipation (a wonderful side effect of the pain killers they had me on) but I am not consoled and I am terrified that my stomach is going to stay swollen and the weight will not go back down, worse still that tomorrow it will go up again. The dilemma is now do I get weighed and freak out if it goes up again or refuse and then worry what it's doing either way I don't win but I am still terrified and very confused.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

You've clearly put on weight!!

Amazing!! This was the opening remark of the endocrinologist that I saw yesterday followed by him asking how it made me feel (and there was me thinking I was there to discuss hormones not have a therapy session) that aside I calmly commented "not too bad until people point it out!" Thankfully he substantiated the comment by informing me that it wasn't that I looked particularly different but that he had the letter from the doctor at the unit stating my bmi when I was admitted and what it is now. I would like to say that this made it ok but for the first five minutes of the appointment I don't think I was really listening as all I could hear was oh my god your huge. He did say that he could tell I was better in my voice that I had more life and at my last appointment I seemed very weak, fair comment really as I saw him five days prior to my admission.

Anyway the appointment went ok and I managed to get some slight reassurance that there was no indication i was going through the early menopause although he did point out that my body had put me in a temporary menopause but that it was my body's way of clinging on to life and that it would change with weight gain. He did put me back on the thyroxin as the blood tests still indicate that I have hypothyroidism. I am happy with this as a side effect of this is that the bodily systems slow down so metabolism is slower which can cause weight gain, this therefore may go a little of the way to explain my quick and unpredictable weight gain and so I am hoping that with the new drug it might help to speed it up slightly which will then allow me to have a more normal diet but we will see.

As for my diet I am really unsure what to do, I had another big jump Monday and then lost a very tiny amount today. It scares me because I think I must have too much when I'm on leave as I always seem to have a big jump on a Monday when I have been at home. I really want to be able to eat more normal size meals and I don't know whether to just bite the bullet and increase from introductory size to normal size for one of the meals per day in order to test the dieticians theory that the reason my weight is doing as it is is because there is still not enough in my diet and that's why my body is still taking everything from the food.
Hopefully the dietician will be in today to talk this through but I am so terrified, if I can get a big jump just from changing to higher calorie snacks I hate to think how much it will go up if I change my meal size.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Snow didn't flaw me but the cornflakes did!!

Oh dear! I can't believe what this ridiculous illness drove me to this morning. I measure my cereal in a cup for breakfast and today I measured it three times in to the cup and then the bowl and back again still not happy I proceeded to wake Ben up to ask him if all I had was a cup full of cereal, even though I could clearly see that's what I had in my hand I knew that if I didn't ask I would be convinced I had more than that and I would then need to vomit to get rid of it!!! Not the greatest of starts to the day but at least the remainder of my leave went ok.

Ben and I along with my parents went bowling Saturday afternoon which was fun. I managed dinner at home which went ok even though I only brought a wrap ready made and had it with some salad but the challenge was actually venturing in to asda to do a small amount of shopping and picking it and something to have for snacks. I have to be honest the whole experience was so stressful and left me feeling really anxious. However dinner done Ben and I got a taxi to the glee club in Birmingham, somewhere neither of us had been before, we had a really good time and I even managed a couple of vodka and diet cokes even more amazing was I completely resisted picking at the nachos with melted cheese and salsa that Ben had despite the fact they looked so good and I really wanted some, I knew though if I had some I would freak and make myself sick, maybe in time I will be more able to challenge myself but I'm not there yet.

I realised two things on our night out the first being I'm to old to go in Sobar, I was shocked not getting id'd until we went in and I realised that everyone in there was about 12!! The second thing I realised was once Ben has drunk a bottle of wine he descovers he has a death wish!! I witnessed this when waiting for the taxi and two black men in a car went past shouting what I believe was "wog won bitch!!" at us and Ben proceeded to walk towards the car (which was stopped at the traffic lights) when I stopped him I was asked if he could please could he what I said and he replied give them a grammar lesson!!!! See death wish!!

Oh well we surprisingly made it in to the taxi without Ben getting us killed and as I had only had a couple of drinks and thought maybe not had enough calorie wise I even managed to eat a bar of chocolate, a minor freak out followed but I was in a car I couldn't really do much and by the time we got home I was so tired we went to bed and therefore i couldn't think about it.

So now I'm back at hospital and the snow is still falling not really sure what will happen tomorrow night as I have been granted leave on a Monday evening for a couple of hours in order to go to choir but because I have a dentist appointment Tuesday at 10am I have asked if I can stay at home but at this rate I will be snowed in and not going anywhere, great!! Will have to see in the morning along with the dreaded weigh in which is scaring the hell out of me as I have done what I set out to do and challenged one snack to be over 200 calories everyday since last Monday and even been to the vending machine twice. I hope above hope it hasn't done much so at least I know I can pick different things without it having a huge effect on my weight but we'll see.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

No more needed!!

Trauma!! I hate the fact that one comment can leave me in such a state for days and it wasn't even a negative comment it was a compliment!!

While on the phone to my sister on Monday she told me that her husband thought I looked amazing (I saw them Sunday) and 100% better really good!! Now I know he meant this as a compliment but the first thing I thought was that he thought I was fat, I asked him but he said no you look really good and not fat. I thanked him and as soon as I put the phone down I died if I look so good why the hell am I still putting on weight and still here. How can I possibly stay looking good with even more weight, I thought they must think why am I still here when I'm better so I must be lazy and wasting my and everyone else's time.
It really stressed me out and confused me I have people telling me I'm still very underweight and look ill and then others saying how good i look my head is spinning and I don't know how to deal with it all its really stressing me out and making my poor body image worse.

That aside my weight maintained on Monday but yet again the dietician was off sick, it really begs the question does she follow her own nutritional advice been as though she is off sick so much!! Anyway I decided that I would try to challenge my snack choices so one snack each day before Thursday I would choose something over 200 calories and over 10g fat as this is over what I allow myself then see what happens to my weight on Thursday and just pray the dietician is back. So far I have stuck to the plan and even went to the vending machine to choose on Monday. I am just terrified what it will do to my weight on Thursday.

So Wednesday is upon us once more and yet another ward round this week I have asked for leave from saturday 1pm till Sunday at 12pm and also for a few hours leave each Monday night to go back to choir fingers crossed but we shall see. I hope if nothing else I get the weekend leave as last weekend was really fun Ben and I went to see les mis (amazing) and we then decided to go bowling and for a drink I even managed a vodka and diet coke, although I still had to work the calories out before I could have it which did ruin the evening slightly. That aside we had a really good night and it should be noted I whooped bens bottom at air hockey 5-1 :0))

Saturday, 12 January 2013

Headache hell

Being in here is hard enough without the added benefit of being ill! I have spent two miserable days suffering with a migraine with the added bonus of a virus thrown in for good measure. I have been unable now for almost a week to do anything but sleep unable to keep my eyes open and fighting just to stay awake. I was really scared it might be due to my thyroid as I was on thyroxin when I came in but stopped taking it as it was thought the low levels were due to my low weight. The doctor has tested it but as I have an appointment with the endocrinologist in two weeks time she has said she will leave it up to him. So I have no idea if she found something or not I only hope my inability to stay awake is down to the virus.

I have been on 15 minute observations following a faint on Thursday evening and closely monitered by the doctors since taking sumatriptan yesterday as it can have interaction with another medication I take that can cause serotonin syndrome which apparently can be fatal!! Great but at least it stopped my head pounding.

I woke up today still feeling off colour my head feels sore and my eyes are still not quite right and generally I feel achy and a bit queasy, however I am due to go on leave at 6pm today till 12pm tomorrow in order for Ben and I to go to the cinema to see les Mis I am so excited I have already booked the tickets and now there is a chance I won't be allowed to go.
I won't be allowed to go unless the doctor thinks I am well enough and have had my observation level reduced back down from 2 to 1. Fingers crossed they are not coming till later this afternoon so I hope I will be feeling better and given the go ahead.

It sounds daft to be so excited to be going to the cinema in an evening but Ben and I haven't been able to do this for years because of my eating routine and binge purge cycle so it is just another bonus to recovery and so not been able to go will be so disappointing.

The only down side to leave today is that Ben is not feeling well either as he has a cold so we might have to sleep separately to reduce the risk of me catching it, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I am slightly nervous about having a snack at the cinema especially as on Thursday I had another weight jump which completely freaked me out especially as I had spent the week feeling that my body had changed dramatically. I revisited my body map (where you draw what you think you look like and then they draw round you) with one of the nurses and re did it there was some change but the nurse said it wasn't visible just by looking at me, however to me it was a huge difference and that was in two weeks so I am terrified how much it will change in several kg's time. I am going to do some body image relaxation work this afternoon though which I really hope I find helpful because I am finding it increasingly difficult being in my own skin.

Anyway enough with staring at this screen as its making my eyes hurt even more and I need to keep my eyes relaxed ready to focus on les mis :-)

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Step back

Feeling like total crap today and felt like total crap yesterday. I really wanted to wake up feeling better today but alas I don't.

Saturday night and all of Sunday I struggled with feeling really big and worrying over the fact that for the first time in a very long time I went in to a shop and tried on some clothes to find that they fit and needed no alteration. Now I know that's the idea but it has really stressed me out thinking about how much bigger i have got. I feel so big and I hate the way my body feels and looks and having to see it change. This feeling was heightened by yesterday's weigh in when I found I had a big weight jump that completely freaked me out. Yet again I felt that I had obviously had way to much on leave and freaking over how much it would have gone up if I hadn't have been walking round over the weekend. I got even more confused when I spoke to the dietician who said it could be that I didn't have enough for what I had done and is my body was holding on to more. I got totally confused with this as it seemed to make no sense to me. i got really upset when she explained that because I had been so near to death and desperately underweight that my body had adapted so much to utilise the tiny amount I gave it and so any change to what I have it and what it required would cause my body to panic and go straight back to conserving what it could, I can't believe how much I have messed my body up and worrying it will always be like it and my weight will always be messed up.

I spoke to the dietician about how I now felt there was no way I could challenge the snack list choices because I am terrified how much more it will make my weight go up she still thinks however that in order for my body to settle more I need more in my diet. I am so confused and scared I don't know what to think or feel. I have said I will try to challenge myself once between now and Thursday to a higher calorie snack but I just don't know if I can.

I hate that as soon as I make a small but positive step towards recovery my eating disorder grabs me in its poisoned claws and grips on for dear life pulling me backwards and making me feel like crap. I don't really know how to cope as all I want to do is not eat or get rid of all I eat to try to get my body thin and back to how it should be rather than the wobbly figure I have become!!

Saturday, 5 January 2013

Calories, calories, calories!!!!!!

I think my head is about to explode!! I have spent yet another sleepless night thinking about calories and snacks!

I had my vending machine assessment on Friday, sounds odd and no it isn't to actually see if I can still work a machine as was suggested but to see if I am able to pick a snack different to the units list and then eat it, sounds simple but my god I wish it had been.
I spent all of Thursday night worrying about it, what if I got there and freaked out unable to pick anything, what if I picked something then couldn't eat it. I was terrified that if I didn't do it I would be classed as a failure, if I did it and picked the wrong thing I would have failed and if I freaked out I would fail. I got so stressed I almost decided not to do it, truth is if I hadn't have done it I would have really beaten myself up so shaking like a leaf I faced my fear and at 3.15pm on Friday faced the vending machine!!!

To be honest it really was as scary as I thought it was going to be and I was really grateful that there was no one around except the nurse with me. I had already asked Ben to see what kind of things were in it so I could try to work out what I would choose, this was sort of cheating but I still had to face the selection process and then eat it. I chose starburst chews and although it felt really weird sitting and eating the entire packet in one go and not offering anyone else one I did enjoy them as I have had no sweets for some time.
What frustrated me was there were so many mother things that I liked and could have chosen but I couldn't because the calories and fat content were too high. Even though I know that calories are complete rubbish and your intake from the same food will be different at different times and dependent on many other factors I am still controlled by them and how restricting they are. I am unable to have any snack that is more than 200 calories and certainly no more than 10g fat. The thought of having more than this in a snack is so terrifying that I just can't do it. I am scared how much it will make my weight go up based on the fact that it went up for so long on a tiny diet having the lower calorie snack choices and I just can't seem to break the thought pattern.

It was really highlighted to me yesterday, I was granted some leave in Wednesdays ward round, I got 1pm till 5.30pm on Saturday and Sunday. Ben and I decided to go to the villa match, we popped into town first as Ben needed to get some jeans. While he went to river island I popped into boots to get a snack in case there was nothing at the match that was suitable. It was ridiculous I had no idea what to have not knowing if I wanted sweet or savoury and then analysing every packet to check the calorie and fat content and making sure it didn't go over my allowed amount. Now to give you an idea of exactly how long this process took Ben had been to the shop, looked round, selected some jeans, tried them on, brought them and was leaving the shop when I got there.
I knew it was crazy and a selection should have taken a minute or so but I am struggling to know what I want as it is accepting that its ok to have what I like and not just having it because the staff have said I have to. I went with some salt and vinegar squares and a bag of grapes and apple and along with a coffee at the match sat and ate them before the match and then the crisps at half time. I really enjoyed them and I didn't feel too out of place as people were eating all around me especially pies!!

So today I am going in to town to do some shopping with my mom and dad as Ben is working and will be away for the next week. I have already spent much of the night worrying about what snack I will have and how many calories to have. I don't know if there will be anything where we go for coffee so I will buy something beforehand that I can have if nothing else I can cope with.

It is really stressing me out thinking about facing my fear and trying a higher snack maybe if my weight maintains tomorrow I can say I will try a higher snack on one or two days to see how much effect it has on my weight on Thursday but yet again it all depends on what my weight does.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Happy new year

2013 was welcomed in with mixed emotions for me. I was happy to be at home and seeing it in with my family but sad to think that the year was starting with me in hospital.
I'm not good with new year at the best of times as it always reminds me that its another year starting, i'll be another year older and another year struggling with an eating disorder and no real hope of anything better. This year was different though, I still hated the fact that it meant I would be another year older, still struggling with an eating disorder but at least this year there is actually some real hope as instead of thinking this year I will make a change really try to beat it and then spending another year finding excuses not to or being unable to this year is the first in the last 12 that I can actually say I have made a change and although I am still struggling I have made a step forward and am really trying to change and doing something to make it better and not just thinking about it.

So after my big gain on Thursday and freaking out about Monday I actually lost a tiny amount which I found good and bad. I was glad that I didn't get another big jump as I feared I would but at the same time I was thinking that I definitely must have eaten and drunk to much over Xmas as when I go back to eating what I should I loose weight!!
Luckily the dietician was back and I had a chat with her and talked through what I had had over Xmas and the plans for new year and why I had reservations about going. Despite these reservations and fears I decided that if I didn't face them again straight away I may never be able to face them.

So I left at 1pm on New Year's Eve and took Ben shopping. I have actually become slightly girly in my old age getting excited by bags, make up and even clothes!! I think the difference is that I feel more able to look at clothes that I like and find that they are fitting better without the need for huge alterations. This is really frightening but also quite nice.

The evening came and wearing my new jumper my parents arrived and Ben and I prepared food together something we had never done before as normally I would do it all and Ben would be left to entertain. I cooked the pizza I was having and let Ben cut it for me, it was really difficult to trust anyone else that they would only give me what I should have but I couldn't trust my own judgement and it felt good to feel safe that Ben was in control.

Something I really struggled with apart from the food and fighting the temptation to pick at the food remaining and the nibbles I had put out was the feeling that my house don't feel like home, I felt like I was a guest that needed to ask permission to do things. It is hard to explain but I hated feeling like it especially when Ben felt so happy that we had done things together and that I had finally let him in the kitchen. I think maybe I felt it for a number of reasons, being away for so long and therefore somewhere else has had to become 'home' but I think mainly because things were different and I wasn't completely in control I was sharing the control and this felt alien to me and I didn't like it. It did however make me think that this is probably how Ben has felt for much of the time when I have needed to have total control over everything so hopefully I will be able to work on my feelings and be more able to share control and deal with it in a constructive way rather then resorting to my tried and tested coping methods.

I did feel really disappointed with myself and an incident really scared me how much I was still not as far forward as perhaps I thought or wished I was. I made myself sick, not after my main meal but a few hours later and ridiculously after fruit!! Reason being I had eaten some strawberries and grapes and then had some blackberries but as they were so nice had eaten several instantly I felt that I had had more than I should going over my regimented and carefully calculated calorie intake and therefore couldn't cope, I really tried to rationalise that it was only fruit but it was too late as in my mind I had binged by eating uncontrollably and therefore the only thing I could do was to vomit to get rid of them. As soon as I had done it I felt like complete crap, I had let everyone down including myself. It scared me how much my mind set was still so stuck and how easily I could slip and it has made me scared to have more leave.

That aside and after a really good chat with Ben I am going to request some leave this weekend but I'm not sure how much to ask for and also how much I might actually get. The big factor for me will be what happens at weigh day tomorrow as if I have another big jump my confidence will be knocked to zero as I will really think that I ate and drank to much like Xmas and really can't control myself on leave and will be terrified to have anymore. I just wish it could do nothing, stay the same in the hope it will boost my confidence that what I had was ok not too much but enough I guess I will just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings but I am terrified.