Saturday, 7 September 2013

Scary times

So the end is in sight I am nearly at the end of my stay in day treatment and its almost time for me to be returned to the wild of reality. So how do I feel, truth is I have absolutely no idea. my emotions change on a minute by minute basis ranging from fear to excitement, sadness to happiness and almost every other emotion in between. By the time I leave I will have been in treatment for over a year and so so much has changed the thought of leaving that safe environment is nothing short of terrifying. I went in to treatment to get well to make a better life not just for me but for my relationship with Ben, we had so many plans for our future all the hard work although unbearable at times seemed totally worth while. It's amazing just how much can change in a relatively short space of time obviously Ben and i are no longer together and sadly divorce proceedings are now underway after he admitted there was no hope of reconciliation and he had become "close" to another girl. Now while this dealt me a devastating blow it was the honesty I had been asking for for months and finally gave me the courage to try to move on. Easier said than done and I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I'd quite like to stop and get off for a while.

As its not possible to stop life at convenient moments to reflect and take a step back and look where you are and where your going I'm left with having to do just that but while the fast pace of life continues around me. A million decisions to be made and a new future to be built, it's not surprising that my head hurts!

what's next then? I'm not really sure somehow I have to start all over again build a new life in which I'm self sufficient and self reliant and able to take on life's challenges head on. That said I'm by no means alone I have got the best friends and the most amazing family without whom I would not have got to this point I would simply have given up long ago. Yet here I am still fighting, I wish I could say that it was a breeze and I get through each day without a thought of weight, shape, or Ben but that would be a lie what's changed is the way I deal with those thoughts.

I guess that's the best I can hope, for well for now at least, but I'm a million miles from where i was this time last year. I just spent another week in Ibiza with my parents and managed to go a couple of days without calorie counting, eating and drinking what I liked (albeit with some guilt and worry) and even joined in with the daily entertainment team activities on my own. There is no way I would have had the confidence to do this or the energy for that mater but in doing so I chatted to some lovely people and had some very nice comments on both my personality and even how nice I looked.

So it's with renewed confidence that I look to the future I'm not expecting miracles and I know I still have a long way to go and many challenges still to face its just now I'm better equipped to deal with them. So I'm working Saturdays back at work and have made plans for a phased and gradual return in to full time but my manager and colleagues have and continue to be an amazing sport to me not expecting anything and giving me all the time I need to get back up to speed with things. Although I do find I'm quite tired come the end of the day I'm enjoying the feeling of responsibility and doing something useful again.

Question is then, Am I ready to leave treatment?who knows but guess I'm as ready as i'll ever be.

Just have to keep in mind how far I've come and that I never want to go back :-) 

Saturday, 6 July 2013

A good weekend

After weeks of struggling to cope with loosing so much and finding life in day care quite hard at times a good weekend was a welcome change. I sang with the operatic society I have joined on Saturday as part of the Lichfield festival, the sun shone beautifully and I'm told the singing wasn't bad either. It was so nice to be out and doing something that I truly love. I find singing gives me freedom from eating disorder thoughts which if only for small amounts of time feels amazing and gives me a huge buzz. My parents came along as well as my good friend tim and we spent a lovely afternoon at the festival, well in a beer garden. I then spent a childish couple of hours at the cinema watching despicable me with tim which made me chuckle.

Im pleased to say Sunday continued in the same vain the sun shone and with my parents, sister and brother in law we went to the new pub that has opened where we had been invited for a free meal and two free drinks each as part of their pre opening training day. Now I admit that this was more of a challenge as weatherspoons put the calories on everything which made my choice really hard as I was massively governed by that and not by really what I wanted i had already looked at the menu on line and chosen something in advance but when I got there found it was a limited menu and surprise surprise what i chose wasn't on there, i had a moment of panic and said I couldn't do it and would eat at home however a few deep breaths and a talk with mother soon set me back into calmer thinking that enabled me to make a decision Choosing a chicken burger and salad, which I have to say was very nice, I even managed to force down a beer and a glass of wine. I spent the remainder of the afternoon sitting in the garden topping up my tan before heading off to ballroom dancing with mom.

Dancing was fun but the hall was crazy hot and I think I sweat half a stone off! To make up for it though I met up with three good friends and along with my parents went along to a charity quiz night and rock and roll bingo and forced down a few vodkas and a beer or two (only to replace what I lost dancing you understand) it was a fun night even if we were crap at the quiz coming last but we did win at rock and roll bingo so yay us!

All in all a lovely weekend helped along by beautiful weather and amazing friends.

Wednesday, 5 June 2013

Another step

So I finally left my home on the ward to face the real world for a while. Well real world been a week in Ibiza which was amazing, stressful at times and although there were several times when I felt overwhelmed by it all I still carried on and had a fab holiday. Now I'm back to reality and I have started daycare which is 8am till 4pm Monday to Friday so far its going ok it's a lot different to the unit but I think I needed that, it's far more relaxed and certainly less intense.
I had a dreaded birthday yesterday which I'm not great with at the best of times as I always feel like its another year of my life I've wasted having an eating disorder, however while there were certainly elements of that thinking yesterday this year at least I can hold my hands up honestly and say I'm fighting it and making progress on my journey.
I took a huge step last night and arranged to go out for a meal not just with my parents but also with several very good friends I admit I was terrified at the thought of eating with them but I never the less faced my fear and had a really good time. I went back to my friends house and watched a DVD and it was lovely to feel special on my birthday and that was down to them. I did have a wobble where I got upset about Ben, its the first birthday in 12 years without him or even a card and that was hard to face. I am still missing him desperately and trying to find a way through but it is not an easy task. However I have some amazing friends who are supporting and loving me and I couldn't ask for more.
So this Saturday I'm really challenging myself and I'm holding a BBQ to which I have invited lots of people and I am raising money for Macmillan and also for the unit which was my home for almost nine months, just my way of giving something back to them for giving me back my life. The second big challenge of the day however will be me going back to work, I will be working just Saturdays for the time being and while I am excited to be going back I am terrified. I'm scared on several levels, what people will say to me about how I look, scared about not remembering what to do or finding that everything's changed and scared of eating not just lunch but also snacks. Oh well guess I will just have to continue as I have been, feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

An end in sight

I can't believe it the last few weeks have been hell and life has felt like it may as well have ended and while I am still struggling to comprehend what has happened and loosing Ben has devastated me I have somehow managed to keep going.
In actual fact I have turned a bit of a corner powered through and started to take back my life, I started by seeing my wonderful friends who have and continue to be a power of strength and truly amazing taking it a step further I have bitten the bullet and joined a local musical society which I was terrified at doing as I didn't know anyone but the first night went well and everyone seemed really friendly, it didn't stop there though I have also taken up ballroom, salsa and Latin American dance classes which was so much fun and gentle enough as not to tip the balance with my weight or affect my heart.

Last night I went to a BBQ and film night at a friends house and managed to eat with people without purging and these were mostly people I didn't know, I even managed a glass of wine or 2 (alright it was the entire bottle but who's counting!) I admit I felt uncomfortable and quite scared and anxious but they were all wonderful and I hope to see much more of them and get myself involved (if they'll have me!) in more things.

Food wise things are going quite well I'm still having my wobbles and occasional purge but it a million times better than it was and I'm learning about portion sizes. Diet wise it is so much better having been so terrified I would never be able to eat a 'normal' diet I am pleased to say I now have full portions for all meals, three snacks and a pudding and even more glad that it didn't make my weight rocket out of control as I had feared.
I even managed to have my first Chinese takeaway at the weekend after a practice one on the unit, I was terrified but really enjoyed it. My next challenge will be a meal out, maybe this weekend and to make the challenge even bigger I might have steak and chips!

So things seem to be getting there putting the Ben situation aside and I had good news last week I have been given a discharge date to leave inpatient care and to progress on to day care, I am shocked and terrified in case it all goes wrong but at the same time I don't think I will ever really feel ready but I am so proud that through all the nightmares I have come up against I am still here seen it through to the end and not discharged myself. So here's to the 22nd may oh and the week in Ibiza on the 24th may to celebrate.

Tuesday, 16 April 2013


I feel like my world has been destroyed and the one thing I was sure of has been ripped away.

I went on leave on Wednesday and went home to talk to Ben as I feared the outcome was not what I wanted but what I had feared, we talked, shouted, cried, and then fell asleep in each others arms, it was at that point that I thought we had a chance, I was wrong. Ben told me that he was going to Devon for a couple of days to join his parents who were there on holiday as he needed space to think and get his head straight but if I asked him for a decision there and then I wouldn't like the answer.

I was distraught so I called a taxi as I couldn't face watching him drive away, I spent the next couple of days at mom and dads inconsolable and very confused. Ben txt me several times the first to say he was going away to make sure he was staying with me for the right reasons and not leaving for the wrong! This just confused me even more than I was! There were several other texts each one ended with "I love you xx" I felt like maybe there was hope that a break away would recharge him and we would be ok.

Yet again I was wrong, he returned on Saturday and after a lovely afternoon with my girlfriends they dropped me back at the house. I was so scared I felt like my heart was in my mouth sick and terrified of what he would say.

We tiptoed about for the first five minutes or so making general conversation about this and that until he announced that he couldn't drag it on any longer and wanted out. It's fair to say my upset turned to anger and I yelled at him that he was a lier that he didn't love me because if he did he wouldn't be walking away. I told him the day we got married was a complete lie as his vows clearly meant nothing in sickness and in health till death us part well they clearly mean nothing to him and therefore I can only assume he is a lier. I tried to smash the wedding picture on the wall but Ben took it off me so I removed another and smashed it and told him by the time I got back I wanted him gone at that point I left walked round the corner and collapsed on to the floor in an inconsolable state and waited for mom to get me.

Mom bundled me in to the car and we got half way to hers and I said I wanted to go back, part of me hoped he would be there and have decided after all I had said that he did love me and couldn't be without me I was wrong he had gone and his actions clearly spoke volumes to me what had he taken? The computer and his new camera! Proved to me what his priorities are.

So I have spent the last week inconsolably crying, feeling destroyed and confused. Despite me asking several times for an explanation as to why and why now he refuses to give me one. The only thing he txt me was that it would never have been a good time but now I'm stronger I will hopefully be more able to cope!! Cheers Ben so I've picked myself up started to make real progress and then you pull the rug from underneath me and knock me back down.

As he refuses to give me the answers I need I am left to only make assumptions, I have come to the conclusion that me getting better threatened the life he had not only got while I was in hospital but the life he had had for a year or so prior to my admission. I have never stopped him doing anything I stood by him when he wanted to start his own business despite us being financially crippled and almost loosing the house because it was his dream and was determined to make a go of it and I had faith in him, he has continued to be part of his theatre groups and gone out with friends on nights out often not even coming home. Through all of this I have stood by never telling him he couldn't do them and continued to cook and clean and not really asking anything from him in return. His life style was not massively affected by me being in hospital he continued to do all the things he did before and I always told him to put himself and work first and that I would understand if he couldn't come and visit, I even told him not to come at weekends so he had time for himself. Well what a bloody mistake that was over the last few months he has come less and less to the point that even some members of staff have commented on him not being here, he has gone out more and more and continued to post photos of him out and about drinking and cavorting with friends without a thought to how they might make me feel but I put up with it as I thought that I was doing all I could to ensure we could enjoy things together. He has effectively led a single mans life but with a wife who would cook and clean and not really ask for anything in return. The time that I ask for something and he decides he now can't cope and so buggers off!!
I now think that he realised that with me getting better I would want to be involved in his life wanting to go out with him and spend time as a couple and this would interfere with his own social life which I'm not part of. I did tell him this and asked him why he didn't invite me he said that I never wanted to go or couldn't face people which is true but I have been making changes and I pointed out how would he know if he didn't ask. The point is he didn't ask and I foolishly didn't just invite myself or tell him not to go so we could do stuff together I suppose I was too scared to stop him doing stuff incase he resented me for it how wrong was I.

So what now? In truth I have no idea it is still so very raw and I am desperately hurt, angry, confused and more importantly heart broken. Ben is the love of my life but more than that I thought he was my soul mate and best friend but a wise man told me (my dad) someone can only be a soul mate if they feel the same. Until now I thought he did feel the same and that he wanted the future we planned together, the future I've been fighting seven months for us to have.

It's a mess were married, have a house and mortgage together, debts together and most importantly a cat!! What happens now I really don't know where I live and how the hell I start rebuilding a life I don't know. I didn't think at almost 32 I would be starting all over again, all I have known for the last 12 years is Ben every happy memory is of him and my reason for living has been him and I'm not sure how to face a future without him, until this last week I have not gone a single day in 12 years without speaking to him and I have gone from that to a future when I never see or speak to him again. I'm so scared and don't have any idea what to do, I am just so thankful I have truly amazing friends and family who are supporting, loving and guiding me through this who without I would not be here.

Monday, 8 April 2013

When dreams become nightmares and nightmares become reality!!

I think it would be true to say that my world collapsed on Saturday, everything I believed in, felt secure with was destroyed in a few minutes and left me feeling like i was free falling without a parachute just waiting to hit the ground.

After a few very difficult weeks recently with one thing and another I finally felt over the last couple that I had turned a corner, I had settled back in to unit life with a renewed vigour to fight this illness and to finally be strong and well. I have been looking at my future and reevaluating my options and thinking about what I want to do, even thinking about new activities I think I might enjoy and even taking steps to find out where I could try them.

The most important step for me however was my ignited passion to make a better future and relationship for Ben and I. I realised just how hard my illness has been on him as well as me and how much of a real relationship it has robbed us both of and how much I want if back.
I find it so difficult to be physically close as I'm so uncomfortable in my own body I can't begin to comprehend why anyone would want to touch or be close to it let alone think its in any way attractive, it's because of this that I have avoided too much physical contact but I realise this must have felt like I was pushing Ben away and probably left him feeling unloved, unwanted and possibly like I didn't find him attractive, in fact nothing could be farther from the truth. I want nothing more than to be close to him and to be able to show him that closeness. So the last couple of weeks I have really tried to make steps to improve our relationship not leaps I grant you but steps never the less but as some famous bloke once said "one small step for man one giant leap for mankind" we'll I guess the same goes for me.

I have tried to spend as much time with Ben as I can, pushing anorexic thoughts as far away as possible so that where I can all my attention has been on Ben. I have taken steps to get closer physically sitting next to him on the sofa rather than on the other sofa cuddling and generally showing more affection. We have gone out together to things that I have not only suggested but also arranged finally taking a more equal and active part in the relationship instead of being looked after and Ben having to take on the role of carer rather than husband. It's fair to say I felt better about stuff even when things were hard or weight stressed me out at least I felt as a couple we were getting stronger and I was getting stronger and that I was finally fighting for me as well as for others. I realised there is no me but only a we as in my mind Ben and I are one only now were both fighting rather than Ben fighting on his own.

So imagine my distress, confusion, sadness and complete helplessness when Ben told me on Saturday that he didn't think we could have the future we wanted and we should split up! It came following a talk about the steps I had been taking and me asking if he ever felt like he couldn't take anymore and wanted to leave. He explained that if he had wanted to go he would have done after all I have told him many times that I would understand if he wanted to walk away and get the better life he so deserved but he has always said that I am his life and he wanted to spend it with me. He explained how hard the last 18 months have been but realised the steps I had been taking to make us stronger and then in what felt like a blink of an eye he was telling me he didn't think we had a future and he wanted to split! I've never actually been stabbed but I imagine it couldn't be more painful that the feeling of those words cutting straight through me like a knife, the words resonating in my head like like I've knocked the repeat button and am now unable up turn it off.

Distressed doesn't even come close to how I felt and indeed still feel. I don't think I have ever gone through such a variety of emotions in a short space of time first came a calm almost accepting resolve quickly followed by immense sadness, tears, distress, begging and then anger. Then jumbling together to create an emotional wreck of a human who was unable to think, comprehend or feel.

I begged him to reconsider pointing out I had really started to make changes and that I was stronger in myself and was prepared to fight for us to be ok and he didn't need to fight for the two of us anymore and I could fight for the both of us.

Ben went out as he said he needed to think and so I too went out and ended up walking for three and a half miles till I ended up at a pub with a vodka shot in one hand and a cigarette in the other, night good considering I hadn't smoked since the smoking ban came in but it just felt right in a world where nothing else did.

By the time I returned Ben told me he thought we were worth fighting for but he needed to get his head straight. Sunday was hard we both put on our fake exteriors and went to gadget show live as planned.

Monday morning however as I was about to leave to go back to the unit I felt such unease that if I went back I would be sealing the date of our relationship and didn't know what to do. I explained to ben that I was terrified if I went that he would change his mind again and say it was over. In the end I couldn't face going back and being alone and so I stopped at mom and dads for some tlc returning to the unit yesterday morning.

The unit was horrid as I just couldn't face the constant questioning if I was ok and ended up sleeping much of the day just to get through.

So here I am I am hoping for open leave for a week from today to try to get something sorted and the plan is to go home today to talk things through. I am so scared that this talk will just lead to the same conclusion as last time and I will be left with nothing but fear, misery and anger. All I am sure of is that even though I might have nothing or no one to go out to I will not give up in my personal journey to beat this illness as I've come too far and worked too hard to throw it away.

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

A few steps forward

Finally took a tentative step last week by finally going from introductory portions at lunch to normal portions. I started last Thursday as it was sandwiches at lunch I could just have a packet of crisps to make it a normal portion I also thought it would be easier at lunch as I could just do the same on my leave at the weekend. Thursday went ok but Friday lunch was a cooked meal of fish goujons, mash and veg and when it came it really freaked me out as it was huge plus the fish was battered and not breaded as it had stated on the menu and it took me several attempts to make a start, however I did get through it with support and reassurance from staff.

I was lucky to get any support as to be honest the ward has been a crazy place over the last couple of weeks and there have not been enough staff members to give the support and help to all the patients particularly as one patient is on two to one obs and constantly sets the alarms off. The staff have mostly been with this patient leaving the rest of us feeling completely unimportant and unsupported. We raised the issue in community meeting but the staff nurse said she was sorry and understood I politely pointed out I didn't want an apology and false platitudes what I wanted was an answer as to what they were doing to rectify the situation, but as per usual we were told they would raise our comments and concerns with management, wonderful!! Luckily we have all been really supportive of each other.

So I went on leave again from Friday till Monday this week as I was at the dentist yesterday morning. It was far more successful than the last two weeks and I really tried to have more routine with my eating meaning that I didn't leave massive gaps between meals and snacks and had them at more regular intervals in the hope this would prevent hunger kicking in causing me to pick on food and then purge it. On a whole it went ok a few wobbles and panics but ok.

Can't believe its ward round again already I have asked for Friday day as well as usual weekend leave this week as its my sisters birthday and I wanted to take her shopping and to the cinema fingers crossed I will get it and that I have another reasonable weekend.

Wednesday, 13 March 2013


In a word that would describe my weekend leave it did not go well and made me feel like I have not moved forward at all except for getting fatter!!

Saturday Ben and I were going to test drive a car with mom, well Ben was there to advise I was there to look at the beautiful beetle I saw the week before, then after lunch we were going to the cinema. Disaster number one was that it took longer at the car garage than anticipated which was fine but I then freaked out and said I couldn't eat a sandwich in the car, despite the fact I could before and so we ended up not having time to go to the cinema. I know deep down the reason I couldn't do it was incase I freaked out and decided I couldn't keep it and needed to vomit so it was just like before, completely ruining my day and dictating what I was able to do.

We ended up going home after lunch at moms and watching a film which in itself was nice but not really what either of us had wanted to do.
Ben went out to a celebration meal on the evening and so I went to moms for dinner. I made a lasagne but panicked when putting it out with mom that the portion was too big and so made it smaller. I managed it ok but disaster struck after when I couldn't stop myself picking at more of it which caused me to freak out and make myself sick. In hindsight I think the original portion size was better.

So that wrote Saturday off as pretty much ruined but I hoped Sunday would be better, alas it wasn't!

As it was Mother's Day I planned to make a small buffet lunch for everyone which while I made it it went ok and I resisted the urge to eat anything but that wasn't the case afterwards and yet again I found myself picking, panicking and purging. I stayed for the day as Ben went over to see his mom and have dinner with her on the night while I had dinner with mom. Dinner itself was ok and I had a small pudding instead of an afternoon snack and although I had to question the portion size several times it went ok. Same old though I couldn't seem to stop myself picking at bits after not a binge but enough to freak me out so I didn't really know how much I had eaten and so inevitably had to purge. Went back to the unit for 9pm and for the first time in a long time was glad to be back so I couldn't possibly have more food than normal.

I explained to my family and the nursing team what had happened and said that possibly the introductory portion size is not really enough and my body is causing me to pick because it needs more than its getting, of course purging for the last couple of weeks more frequently has not really helped.

So a decision has been made, I have to go a full week without purging so my body can settle down slightly so i have a real idea what my weight is doing and providing all stays stable I will take the plunge and go to normal portions which is both exciting and terrifying me.

So far I have done two and a half days and touch wood weight has not done much, all I am worried about is getting through the weekend when there will be food around. I should hopefully see a dietician prior to then so I can make a fixed plan of what and how much I am going to eat and fingers crossed we have a better weekend.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

Two steps forward, twenty five back!!!!

I feel like everything has gone completely tits up nothing has gone right since my fall.

Heart diagnosis is not great and I believe the technical term for the state of my heart would be knackered!! It is only working at between 10 & 20% of what it should be and I have now had to start taking another two tablets as well as increasing the dose of another two. That aside the ct scan showed that the fluid has finally gone from around my heart and lungs and there is no fluid in my abdomen which is all good. Well good except for the fact that my abdomen is still distended and my weight has still not come back down.

I finally got discharged from the general on Friday night as they were happy the scans were clear and could find no medical reason for the distended abdomen and they even said it wasn't swollen despite nursing staff agreeing it was. I was adamant I would not go back to the unit as I felt like I just couldn't trust them they promised me they would not allow my weight to increase rapidly and that's exactly what has happened and when questioned they just say they don't know why.

Friday night was horrific I told the unit I was leaving but agreed to go back Monday to speak to the doctor and nursing team. Ben and I had a really bad night with lots and lots of tears and upset which continued for me across the weekend as I was certain I didn't trust the unit enough to go back and would therefore have to get my stomach and weight to go down my way. Unfortunately my way is to vomit after eating which I had started to do in the general hospital because I was so scared about the weight gain and swollen stomach and worrying I was eating too much and although I told people I was back in the cycle and am now terrified to break it again as my weight is going up enough doing it so what the hell will it do if I stop.

Despite a difficult weekend which was spent in the most at my parents due to Ben having prior commitments I did my best to keep food down as I know that vomiting won't actually make anything better it will just screw my body up more and my heart probably wouldn't stand it again. But I am too scared to eat and keep it all because of my weight and stomach.

Ben called the unit Monday morning and arranged for us and my parents to go in to see the nursing team and the dietician at 2.30pm quite frankly it was a disaster no one seemed to have any answers and the dietician said she had never experienced this kind of weight gain but also had never treated someone who had been at such a low weight as I was. Never the less hearing the dietician say she has no clue what's going on doesn't really fill you with confidence to stay. The meeting with the doctor didn't go any better and I ended up walking out of that too. I managed to leave the unit all together finally proving that no locked doors would stop me if I was determined to go and I went over to the general to get a coffee. Ben came over and said that the doctor had informed them that the ultrasound scans had shown something I had not been informed of and that was I have excess air in the bowels (no wonder I can fart for England!!)and this could explain some of the stomach distention and he would be referring me to see a gastroenterologist.

I agreed after a lengthy conversation with my named nurse that I would return to the unit at 10am yesterday and give it a couple of weeks to see what happens, see if my weight settles and if I can get back on track with eating.

I kept to my word and returned to the unit yesterday and along with my parents had a meeting with the consultant which was not all particularly helpful and he said he would not see any reason to have me referred to a gastroenterologist despite me being told this the day before, I did point this out and was told he was the consultant and the other doctor was his junior I suggested that in future in may be advisable for them to communicate with each other then rather than telling patients two conflicting things!!

I have requested fixed leave so I always get from Friday night till Sunday night at home as long as there is no change physical health wise which he didn't seem to adverse to but did say it would be a team decision which isn't true as he makes the final decision no matter what he says. I also pointed out that I felt I had been given no real help with regards to body image issues and asked for a fixed plan of action to be put in place to address this.

I also saw the junior doctor who is still adamant he is referring me to the gastroenterologist and fingers crossed he will do that today but I will wait and see what happens when I get my ward round feed back later.

So that's been the last week so quite crap and stressful for all involved, I know Ben and my parents are happier now I'm back here as they think this is the only place I stand a fighting chance of getting well to my mind though I am still unconvinced but have agreed to give it a couple of weeks to see what happens and I will keep to that promise.

Saturday, 23 February 2013

Heart failure revisited!!

I have a distinct sense of dejavu going on as I sit here in bed at the general hospital where my bad luck seems to be continuing.

I went on leave last Saturday and finally got my hair done and then along with my parents we went to see Bens show throughout which I had a feeling that all was not well with him, my feelings were correct as he was not well and had thrown up mid show I took my brave soldier home and put him to bed. Sunday morning he said he felt a bit better and demolished fried eggs on toast and felt ok to go to work (filming a dance show) I decided to spend the day at my parents rather than on my own after I had met up with the girlies for a coffee in the morning. I had a fab time catching up with them and was a great start to my day.
After lunch mom and I went over to hobby craft but while there I began to feel unwell really sick and light headed we left and went back to my house to collect stuff to go back to unit after dinner that night, however when I got there I threw up and felt rotten and then continued throwing up till about 8.30pm.

In light of this the unit would not have me back until 72 hours from the last symptom and so I was stuck without any meal plan or portioning guidelines and in the whole time I didn't get a single phone call to enquire how I was or if I needed any help or support despite the fact I have been there for nearly six months and had only had one leave when main meals were involved and they were planed down to the spoon size. That aside I managed with much support from Ben and my parents to muddle through basing food round the things we new how to portion.

During this time my abdomen remained swollen and the weight I had initially lost taking the water tablets was going back on, I was finding it increasingly difficult to sleep again due to not been able to breath lying down and constantly coughing along with the pain that has now moved from the hip in to my back. I was so distressed that had I have been more selfish I would have topped myself as it was all too much to take.

In light of this Ben arranged for me to see the doctor from the unit in outpatients on Tuesday afternoon as Ben was not happy that nothing appeared to be being looked at and felt that I was just at a feeding farm without any physical or psychological help and support.

The doctor was good but didn't manage to allay my fears that my abdomen is going to return back to how it was and said he couldn't increase the water tablets without speaking to the medical team at the general as they were prescribed by a consultant, I stressed this needed to be done then as they were clearly not working. I was asked on the Wednesday to keep a record of urine input and output which was let's say interesting, weeing in to a jug!!!! He had also arranged for a ct scan to happen on Friday at 2pm to see what was happening in my heart and lungs as it would give a clearer picture than the X-ray and ultrasound.

I returned to the unit on Thursday morning after breakfast with much coercion from Ben as I really didn't see any point and it was already a really hard day for me as it was the three year anniversary of my nans death. As soon as I got there I saw the doctor who assured me he would contact the cardiologist and get some advice regarding medication. I waited all day and then the doctor said he had spoken to the secretary for the cardiologist who was unable to get me an earlier appointment than the one I have for April and so he had emailed him directly for advice. Unfortunately the advice was that I would need to be seen by the medical team for further scans and X-rays and the quickest way was to send me back to CDU to be assessed. So at 10.45pm on Thursday Ben and I were sat waiting in CDU for what was set to be a long night. My goodness it really was long Ben eventually left at about 6am when they let me sleep on a examination bed in a treatment room for an hour, next thing I new was breakfast and then back in to the waiting room for a further three hours. Finally at about 11.45am they had a bed for me on a ward.

I have a room on my own with an en-suite which is quite nice and has a good view. The unit sent staff over to be with me which was helpful when it came to lunch time as they really helped me through how much to eat.

I saw the cardiologist who said he was increasing the water tablets and would be looking to increase the heart meds next week along with introducing another one. He advised i would have further blood tests as well as the scan at 2pm. The heart failure nurse came to see me and went through a load of do's and dont's including decreasing my fluid intake while I have the oedema so it was good that a nurse from the unit was here to hear this info. They also said I would need to be weighed daily to keep an eye on weight gain or loss, not sure how I feel about this yet.

Ben came in about 4.30pm which was good. The unit agreed I didn't have to have staff with me constantly and that they would just arrange for people to be with me for main meals which is really all I need and meant that once I had eaten dinner Ben and I could enjoy the visit without an audience.

Unfortunately Ben and I had tickets to see a show tonight which I don't think I will be able to go to as it looks like I'm here for at least the weekend especially as the scan I was having at 2pm yesterday has still not actually happened yet. It's not ideal and I would much prefer to be at home on leave but I also can't go on like this I just want it all sorting so my abdomen can go back down, I can breath again and just get back on track with beating my eating disorder.

That aside however I may be leaving here in a police car at this rate because if the man who has been playing the same three songs since 6.50am this morning doesn't turn them off I will be killing him!!

Wednesday, 13 February 2013

True or false

Arghhh my head is all over the place I am so confused, angry, scared and frustrated. The hospital started me on heart medication and water tablets to get rid of the fluid round my lungs, abdomen and other oedema and advised that the rapid weight gain was more than likely due to the water retention. I was relieved on Monday to see that i lost just over a kilo and a half but was still really worried that my face and stomach remained swollen but was reassured by doctors that it would just take a while to go. Imagine my dismay this morning when I got on the scales and all I had lost was 0.2kg despite the fact that they have me on fluid balance and can tell me that more is coming out than is going in so fluid is leaving my body. I am now petrified that the weight remaining is actual weight gain despite not changing my diet since December and my stomach and face have just got this big! The worse thing is that no one knows and all I can do is wait but I am so stressed its untrue.

I feel like I'm in a complete limbo as while my weight remains a mystery I can't really move forward and so I am stuck just existing here day to day waiting scared of the complete unknown.

Good news however is that I have got leave at the weekend which I am both looking forward to and dreading at the same time. It will be the first time (apart from Christmas) that I will be out for two main meals and even though I have spent five months going on about all the things I really want to eat now it comes to planning meals I can't think of anything!!

Due to bens work commitments I will be eating at my parents rather than alone so have talked ideas through with them and I'm just hoping the dietician will be here today to go over portion sizes and obviously to discuss my weight.

I am finally getting my hair done on Saturday and then going to see ben in his show on the night. Sunday morning I am meeting the girls for coffee which I am really excited about as I have not seen them since Xmas and have missed them loads. My concern for all of the above is what people will think I look like as usual but especially now I am swollen and puffy especially the face.

Oh well fear or no fear what can I do except grit my teeth, feel the fear and do it anyway.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

It's all gone a bit wrong!!

So lets see shall we what have I learned since my last blog? Falling and dislocating your hip is excruciatingly painful not just at the time but for much time after especially when you start trying to walk on crutches.

My body has a mind of its own somehow managing to allow me to put on over half a stone in a week and a half without changing my diet in any way (more weight than I managed to gain the entire time I was on bed rest).

Finally I have learned heart attacks can seemingly happen without all the histrionics that casualty and other such programmes would have you believe are involved and that seemingly harmless pains in the chest and a few palpitations are actually a heart attack!!

An explanation perhaps, following my fall my stomach swelled up and I put on as I said over half a stone something that both the dietician and doctor said could not possibly be "real" weight but must be caused by swelling from the fall and constipation. I am completely distressed by the weight gain and the size of my stomach and that no one seemed to really be able to explain why. I have been taking lactulose to ease the constipation and yet still my stomach remained swollen and the weight continued to go up. Finally on Friday, a week after the fall and me telling them of my swelling the doctor did a blood and urine test which found a high level of protein in the urine but not so much in the blood, having contacted the renal team for advice it was decided to repeat the tests and then liaise with them once the results were back. Friday night they should have been back and by Monday I had not heard a thing and had come to the end of my tether. Deciding I could no longer cope and the only way I could deal with the situation would be to go home not eat and loose the weight and wait till my stomach went down so I demanded to go home. Ben and my dad came over as I was so distressed and it was decided that I should stay the night and wait to see the doctor the next day and have some official leave put in place, dubiously I agreed but then spent all of Tuesday in a distressed state waiting for answers. Finally the doctor seemed to take me seriously and arranged for me to go to the general hospital on Wednesday for an ultrasound and X-ray of my abdomen, he also agreed for me to go home for the night and then return to the unit after my tests.

The ultrasound showed no reason for the swelling of my stomach much to my dismay but did however show that I had fluid round my lungs which would explain why I had been so wheezy despite having taken a weeks worth of antibiotics for a suspected chest infection. They proceeded to X-ray my abdomen but also my lungs after which I was told I needed to go to A&E to be seen, luckily the doctor from the unit had called and spoken to the consultant who had agreed for me to be seen in CDU in order for me to avoid a three hour wait. I saw the registrar who said that the fluid was not severe enough to warrant aspirating it for which I was so happy as the thought of a needle in between the ribs was not filling me with joy. He explained that it was due to the heart failure and that is why I had such bad edema but they would prescribe Water tablets and the ace inhibitors the cardiologist had prescribed. He did an ECG and some blood tests and said to wait round for the results which would be about two to three hours, I explained my situation and he allowed me to return to the unit to have dinner and then back to them which I did.
To cut short what was an exceptionally long day and night for my dad and I and then for Ben and my mom blood tests revealed that I had a particular raise in a protein that would indicate a trauma to the heart and so the test would need to be repeated after six hours which it was, just after 12.20pm they advised the level had gone up again which would indicate that I had had a heart attack and would need to stay in over night in order to be monitored and then see the cardiologist in the morning.

So here I am sat in the general waiting I have had all of about 30 minutes sleep and am now getting so anxious waiting for breakfast. Ben was amazing liaising with the unit to get me the correct size milk jug and cup to measure the cereal and made sure all the staff were aware of my situation he must have been to and from the unit about five times finally at around 3.30am in order to get me some bread as the hospital don't do toast as someone nearly set the ward on fire!!

I am hoping the cardiologist will come this morning and allow me to return to the unit and that the tablets will get rid of all the excess water and that my swollen stomach will go down and the weight come off back to it level prior to all this mess and I can continue working on my eating disorder to make sure my heart can get stronger so that neither me or my family have to go through the trauma of this ever again.

Wednesday, 30 January 2013


Oh my stars as if this illness wasn't hard enough on leave for the dentist on Friday I decide that it would be a simply wonderful idea to throw my self on the floor, lie on solid ice for forty minutes and dislocate my hip in the process, genius!! Several painful hours in a&e and i was given the ok to go home as nothing was broken and the hip was back in place one small problem err I can't move!!! All I can say is that it is typical of this hospital but for fear of a liable case I shall not mention names.

I finally got returned to the unit via patient transfer and was wheeled in still flat on a stretchier the transfer to my bed was agony and the whole experience was made significantly worse by one particular staff nurse who couldn't wait to get me packed off to the general so they could better manage my needs, I pointed out that I would not be going and I would transfer from bed to wheelchair to use the bathroom even if the pain was horrific as I had worked too hard to go to the general and have no structured eating plan in place and so undo all my work. The sentiment was echoed by Ben and my parents and they all agreed that the woman is, to be honest and pardoning my language, a heinous bitch!!

Anyway all my weekend leave was cancelled so I didn't get my hair done and now am unable to have it done for three weeks as rather selfishly my hairdresser is getting married and going on honeymoon for two weeks typical!! I also missed my friends party which I had been psyching myself up for for several weeks as I would see friends I hadn't seen since summer last year.

All the pain and disappointment though was soon to be replaced by something far far worse. Over the weekend my stomach had become very swollen and bloated to the point that even the staff couldn't disagree with me and so when Monday came along I was terrified for two reasons, the first was how I would actually be able to get on the scales and the second how much weight I would have put on having been stuck on a bed but my god nothing could have prepared me for the reality. I somehow managed to get on the scales although I think most of the weight went through one leg (which my dad said will change the reading but I don't really see how this can be true) and I had put on almost half a stone in four days, hysterical I think would best describe the reaction. The staff and dietician have said that there is no way it can be a true weight and must be due to swelling and constipation (a wonderful side effect of the pain killers they had me on) but I am not consoled and I am terrified that my stomach is going to stay swollen and the weight will not go back down, worse still that tomorrow it will go up again. The dilemma is now do I get weighed and freak out if it goes up again or refuse and then worry what it's doing either way I don't win but I am still terrified and very confused.

Wednesday, 23 January 2013

You've clearly put on weight!!

Amazing!! This was the opening remark of the endocrinologist that I saw yesterday followed by him asking how it made me feel (and there was me thinking I was there to discuss hormones not have a therapy session) that aside I calmly commented "not too bad until people point it out!" Thankfully he substantiated the comment by informing me that it wasn't that I looked particularly different but that he had the letter from the doctor at the unit stating my bmi when I was admitted and what it is now. I would like to say that this made it ok but for the first five minutes of the appointment I don't think I was really listening as all I could hear was oh my god your huge. He did say that he could tell I was better in my voice that I had more life and at my last appointment I seemed very weak, fair comment really as I saw him five days prior to my admission.

Anyway the appointment went ok and I managed to get some slight reassurance that there was no indication i was going through the early menopause although he did point out that my body had put me in a temporary menopause but that it was my body's way of clinging on to life and that it would change with weight gain. He did put me back on the thyroxin as the blood tests still indicate that I have hypothyroidism. I am happy with this as a side effect of this is that the bodily systems slow down so metabolism is slower which can cause weight gain, this therefore may go a little of the way to explain my quick and unpredictable weight gain and so I am hoping that with the new drug it might help to speed it up slightly which will then allow me to have a more normal diet but we will see.

As for my diet I am really unsure what to do, I had another big jump Monday and then lost a very tiny amount today. It scares me because I think I must have too much when I'm on leave as I always seem to have a big jump on a Monday when I have been at home. I really want to be able to eat more normal size meals and I don't know whether to just bite the bullet and increase from introductory size to normal size for one of the meals per day in order to test the dieticians theory that the reason my weight is doing as it is is because there is still not enough in my diet and that's why my body is still taking everything from the food.
Hopefully the dietician will be in today to talk this through but I am so terrified, if I can get a big jump just from changing to higher calorie snacks I hate to think how much it will go up if I change my meal size.

Sunday, 20 January 2013

Snow didn't flaw me but the cornflakes did!!

Oh dear! I can't believe what this ridiculous illness drove me to this morning. I measure my cereal in a cup for breakfast and today I measured it three times in to the cup and then the bowl and back again still not happy I proceeded to wake Ben up to ask him if all I had was a cup full of cereal, even though I could clearly see that's what I had in my hand I knew that if I didn't ask I would be convinced I had more than that and I would then need to vomit to get rid of it!!! Not the greatest of starts to the day but at least the remainder of my leave went ok.

Ben and I along with my parents went bowling Saturday afternoon which was fun. I managed dinner at home which went ok even though I only brought a wrap ready made and had it with some salad but the challenge was actually venturing in to asda to do a small amount of shopping and picking it and something to have for snacks. I have to be honest the whole experience was so stressful and left me feeling really anxious. However dinner done Ben and I got a taxi to the glee club in Birmingham, somewhere neither of us had been before, we had a really good time and I even managed a couple of vodka and diet cokes even more amazing was I completely resisted picking at the nachos with melted cheese and salsa that Ben had despite the fact they looked so good and I really wanted some, I knew though if I had some I would freak and make myself sick, maybe in time I will be more able to challenge myself but I'm not there yet.

I realised two things on our night out the first being I'm to old to go in Sobar, I was shocked not getting id'd until we went in and I realised that everyone in there was about 12!! The second thing I realised was once Ben has drunk a bottle of wine he descovers he has a death wish!! I witnessed this when waiting for the taxi and two black men in a car went past shouting what I believe was "wog won bitch!!" at us and Ben proceeded to walk towards the car (which was stopped at the traffic lights) when I stopped him I was asked if he could please could he what I said and he replied give them a grammar lesson!!!! See death wish!!

Oh well we surprisingly made it in to the taxi without Ben getting us killed and as I had only had a couple of drinks and thought maybe not had enough calorie wise I even managed to eat a bar of chocolate, a minor freak out followed but I was in a car I couldn't really do much and by the time we got home I was so tired we went to bed and therefore i couldn't think about it.

So now I'm back at hospital and the snow is still falling not really sure what will happen tomorrow night as I have been granted leave on a Monday evening for a couple of hours in order to go to choir but because I have a dentist appointment Tuesday at 10am I have asked if I can stay at home but at this rate I will be snowed in and not going anywhere, great!! Will have to see in the morning along with the dreaded weigh in which is scaring the hell out of me as I have done what I set out to do and challenged one snack to be over 200 calories everyday since last Monday and even been to the vending machine twice. I hope above hope it hasn't done much so at least I know I can pick different things without it having a huge effect on my weight but we'll see.

Wednesday, 16 January 2013

No more needed!!

Trauma!! I hate the fact that one comment can leave me in such a state for days and it wasn't even a negative comment it was a compliment!!

While on the phone to my sister on Monday she told me that her husband thought I looked amazing (I saw them Sunday) and 100% better really good!! Now I know he meant this as a compliment but the first thing I thought was that he thought I was fat, I asked him but he said no you look really good and not fat. I thanked him and as soon as I put the phone down I died if I look so good why the hell am I still putting on weight and still here. How can I possibly stay looking good with even more weight, I thought they must think why am I still here when I'm better so I must be lazy and wasting my and everyone else's time.
It really stressed me out and confused me I have people telling me I'm still very underweight and look ill and then others saying how good i look my head is spinning and I don't know how to deal with it all its really stressing me out and making my poor body image worse.

That aside my weight maintained on Monday but yet again the dietician was off sick, it really begs the question does she follow her own nutritional advice been as though she is off sick so much!! Anyway I decided that I would try to challenge my snack choices so one snack each day before Thursday I would choose something over 200 calories and over 10g fat as this is over what I allow myself then see what happens to my weight on Thursday and just pray the dietician is back. So far I have stuck to the plan and even went to the vending machine to choose on Monday. I am just terrified what it will do to my weight on Thursday.

So Wednesday is upon us once more and yet another ward round this week I have asked for leave from saturday 1pm till Sunday at 12pm and also for a few hours leave each Monday night to go back to choir fingers crossed but we shall see. I hope if nothing else I get the weekend leave as last weekend was really fun Ben and I went to see les mis (amazing) and we then decided to go bowling and for a drink I even managed a vodka and diet coke, although I still had to work the calories out before I could have it which did ruin the evening slightly. That aside we had a really good night and it should be noted I whooped bens bottom at air hockey 5-1 :0))

Saturday, 12 January 2013

Headache hell

Being in here is hard enough without the added benefit of being ill! I have spent two miserable days suffering with a migraine with the added bonus of a virus thrown in for good measure. I have been unable now for almost a week to do anything but sleep unable to keep my eyes open and fighting just to stay awake. I was really scared it might be due to my thyroid as I was on thyroxin when I came in but stopped taking it as it was thought the low levels were due to my low weight. The doctor has tested it but as I have an appointment with the endocrinologist in two weeks time she has said she will leave it up to him. So I have no idea if she found something or not I only hope my inability to stay awake is down to the virus.

I have been on 15 minute observations following a faint on Thursday evening and closely monitered by the doctors since taking sumatriptan yesterday as it can have interaction with another medication I take that can cause serotonin syndrome which apparently can be fatal!! Great but at least it stopped my head pounding.

I woke up today still feeling off colour my head feels sore and my eyes are still not quite right and generally I feel achy and a bit queasy, however I am due to go on leave at 6pm today till 12pm tomorrow in order for Ben and I to go to the cinema to see les Mis I am so excited I have already booked the tickets and now there is a chance I won't be allowed to go.
I won't be allowed to go unless the doctor thinks I am well enough and have had my observation level reduced back down from 2 to 1. Fingers crossed they are not coming till later this afternoon so I hope I will be feeling better and given the go ahead.

It sounds daft to be so excited to be going to the cinema in an evening but Ben and I haven't been able to do this for years because of my eating routine and binge purge cycle so it is just another bonus to recovery and so not been able to go will be so disappointing.

The only down side to leave today is that Ben is not feeling well either as he has a cold so we might have to sleep separately to reduce the risk of me catching it, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

I am slightly nervous about having a snack at the cinema especially as on Thursday I had another weight jump which completely freaked me out especially as I had spent the week feeling that my body had changed dramatically. I revisited my body map (where you draw what you think you look like and then they draw round you) with one of the nurses and re did it there was some change but the nurse said it wasn't visible just by looking at me, however to me it was a huge difference and that was in two weeks so I am terrified how much it will change in several kg's time. I am going to do some body image relaxation work this afternoon though which I really hope I find helpful because I am finding it increasingly difficult being in my own skin.

Anyway enough with staring at this screen as its making my eyes hurt even more and I need to keep my eyes relaxed ready to focus on les mis :-)

Tuesday, 8 January 2013

Step back

Feeling like total crap today and felt like total crap yesterday. I really wanted to wake up feeling better today but alas I don't.

Saturday night and all of Sunday I struggled with feeling really big and worrying over the fact that for the first time in a very long time I went in to a shop and tried on some clothes to find that they fit and needed no alteration. Now I know that's the idea but it has really stressed me out thinking about how much bigger i have got. I feel so big and I hate the way my body feels and looks and having to see it change. This feeling was heightened by yesterday's weigh in when I found I had a big weight jump that completely freaked me out. Yet again I felt that I had obviously had way to much on leave and freaking over how much it would have gone up if I hadn't have been walking round over the weekend. I got even more confused when I spoke to the dietician who said it could be that I didn't have enough for what I had done and is my body was holding on to more. I got totally confused with this as it seemed to make no sense to me. i got really upset when she explained that because I had been so near to death and desperately underweight that my body had adapted so much to utilise the tiny amount I gave it and so any change to what I have it and what it required would cause my body to panic and go straight back to conserving what it could, I can't believe how much I have messed my body up and worrying it will always be like it and my weight will always be messed up.

I spoke to the dietician about how I now felt there was no way I could challenge the snack list choices because I am terrified how much more it will make my weight go up she still thinks however that in order for my body to settle more I need more in my diet. I am so confused and scared I don't know what to think or feel. I have said I will try to challenge myself once between now and Thursday to a higher calorie snack but I just don't know if I can.

I hate that as soon as I make a small but positive step towards recovery my eating disorder grabs me in its poisoned claws and grips on for dear life pulling me backwards and making me feel like crap. I don't really know how to cope as all I want to do is not eat or get rid of all I eat to try to get my body thin and back to how it should be rather than the wobbly figure I have become!!

Saturday, 5 January 2013

Calories, calories, calories!!!!!!

I think my head is about to explode!! I have spent yet another sleepless night thinking about calories and snacks!

I had my vending machine assessment on Friday, sounds odd and no it isn't to actually see if I can still work a machine as was suggested but to see if I am able to pick a snack different to the units list and then eat it, sounds simple but my god I wish it had been.
I spent all of Thursday night worrying about it, what if I got there and freaked out unable to pick anything, what if I picked something then couldn't eat it. I was terrified that if I didn't do it I would be classed as a failure, if I did it and picked the wrong thing I would have failed and if I freaked out I would fail. I got so stressed I almost decided not to do it, truth is if I hadn't have done it I would have really beaten myself up so shaking like a leaf I faced my fear and at 3.15pm on Friday faced the vending machine!!!

To be honest it really was as scary as I thought it was going to be and I was really grateful that there was no one around except the nurse with me. I had already asked Ben to see what kind of things were in it so I could try to work out what I would choose, this was sort of cheating but I still had to face the selection process and then eat it. I chose starburst chews and although it felt really weird sitting and eating the entire packet in one go and not offering anyone else one I did enjoy them as I have had no sweets for some time.
What frustrated me was there were so many mother things that I liked and could have chosen but I couldn't because the calories and fat content were too high. Even though I know that calories are complete rubbish and your intake from the same food will be different at different times and dependent on many other factors I am still controlled by them and how restricting they are. I am unable to have any snack that is more than 200 calories and certainly no more than 10g fat. The thought of having more than this in a snack is so terrifying that I just can't do it. I am scared how much it will make my weight go up based on the fact that it went up for so long on a tiny diet having the lower calorie snack choices and I just can't seem to break the thought pattern.

It was really highlighted to me yesterday, I was granted some leave in Wednesdays ward round, I got 1pm till 5.30pm on Saturday and Sunday. Ben and I decided to go to the villa match, we popped into town first as Ben needed to get some jeans. While he went to river island I popped into boots to get a snack in case there was nothing at the match that was suitable. It was ridiculous I had no idea what to have not knowing if I wanted sweet or savoury and then analysing every packet to check the calorie and fat content and making sure it didn't go over my allowed amount. Now to give you an idea of exactly how long this process took Ben had been to the shop, looked round, selected some jeans, tried them on, brought them and was leaving the shop when I got there.
I knew it was crazy and a selection should have taken a minute or so but I am struggling to know what I want as it is accepting that its ok to have what I like and not just having it because the staff have said I have to. I went with some salt and vinegar squares and a bag of grapes and apple and along with a coffee at the match sat and ate them before the match and then the crisps at half time. I really enjoyed them and I didn't feel too out of place as people were eating all around me especially pies!!

So today I am going in to town to do some shopping with my mom and dad as Ben is working and will be away for the next week. I have already spent much of the night worrying about what snack I will have and how many calories to have. I don't know if there will be anything where we go for coffee so I will buy something beforehand that I can have if nothing else I can cope with.

It is really stressing me out thinking about facing my fear and trying a higher snack maybe if my weight maintains tomorrow I can say I will try a higher snack on one or two days to see how much effect it has on my weight on Thursday but yet again it all depends on what my weight does.

Tuesday, 1 January 2013

Happy new year

2013 was welcomed in with mixed emotions for me. I was happy to be at home and seeing it in with my family but sad to think that the year was starting with me in hospital.
I'm not good with new year at the best of times as it always reminds me that its another year starting, i'll be another year older and another year struggling with an eating disorder and no real hope of anything better. This year was different though, I still hated the fact that it meant I would be another year older, still struggling with an eating disorder but at least this year there is actually some real hope as instead of thinking this year I will make a change really try to beat it and then spending another year finding excuses not to or being unable to this year is the first in the last 12 that I can actually say I have made a change and although I am still struggling I have made a step forward and am really trying to change and doing something to make it better and not just thinking about it.

So after my big gain on Thursday and freaking out about Monday I actually lost a tiny amount which I found good and bad. I was glad that I didn't get another big jump as I feared I would but at the same time I was thinking that I definitely must have eaten and drunk to much over Xmas as when I go back to eating what I should I loose weight!!
Luckily the dietician was back and I had a chat with her and talked through what I had had over Xmas and the plans for new year and why I had reservations about going. Despite these reservations and fears I decided that if I didn't face them again straight away I may never be able to face them.

So I left at 1pm on New Year's Eve and took Ben shopping. I have actually become slightly girly in my old age getting excited by bags, make up and even clothes!! I think the difference is that I feel more able to look at clothes that I like and find that they are fitting better without the need for huge alterations. This is really frightening but also quite nice.

The evening came and wearing my new jumper my parents arrived and Ben and I prepared food together something we had never done before as normally I would do it all and Ben would be left to entertain. I cooked the pizza I was having and let Ben cut it for me, it was really difficult to trust anyone else that they would only give me what I should have but I couldn't trust my own judgement and it felt good to feel safe that Ben was in control.

Something I really struggled with apart from the food and fighting the temptation to pick at the food remaining and the nibbles I had put out was the feeling that my house don't feel like home, I felt like I was a guest that needed to ask permission to do things. It is hard to explain but I hated feeling like it especially when Ben felt so happy that we had done things together and that I had finally let him in the kitchen. I think maybe I felt it for a number of reasons, being away for so long and therefore somewhere else has had to become 'home' but I think mainly because things were different and I wasn't completely in control I was sharing the control and this felt alien to me and I didn't like it. It did however make me think that this is probably how Ben has felt for much of the time when I have needed to have total control over everything so hopefully I will be able to work on my feelings and be more able to share control and deal with it in a constructive way rather then resorting to my tried and tested coping methods.

I did feel really disappointed with myself and an incident really scared me how much I was still not as far forward as perhaps I thought or wished I was. I made myself sick, not after my main meal but a few hours later and ridiculously after fruit!! Reason being I had eaten some strawberries and grapes and then had some blackberries but as they were so nice had eaten several instantly I felt that I had had more than I should going over my regimented and carefully calculated calorie intake and therefore couldn't cope, I really tried to rationalise that it was only fruit but it was too late as in my mind I had binged by eating uncontrollably and therefore the only thing I could do was to vomit to get rid of them. As soon as I had done it I felt like complete crap, I had let everyone down including myself. It scared me how much my mind set was still so stuck and how easily I could slip and it has made me scared to have more leave.

That aside and after a really good chat with Ben I am going to request some leave this weekend but I'm not sure how much to ask for and also how much I might actually get. The big factor for me will be what happens at weigh day tomorrow as if I have another big jump my confidence will be knocked to zero as I will really think that I ate and drank to much like Xmas and really can't control myself on leave and will be terrified to have anymore. I just wish it could do nothing, stay the same in the hope it will boost my confidence that what I had was ok not too much but enough I guess I will just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings but I am terrified.