Still mental, not dead!!

I haven't blogged for a few days because so much has been going on with issues on the unit that my head has been all over the place and I haven't really been able to think straight enough to succinctly get it out in writing, however I thought I would give it a go today but apologies if it is still somewhat of a ramble.

Tensions on the unit between certain patients have been really bad and came to a head on Sunday night when a particular comment upset a patient so much that she flipped out and ended up in A&E with two fractured knuckles having punched a wall several times!!
The tensions seem to stem from a clash of personalities between two of the patients but rather than them just accepting they will never get on they continue to made snide comments and generally keep going at each other this however causes all the other patients to become involved as it is done in communal areas and so affects everyone. I have tried several times to raise issues in support group but one of the patients involved doesn't bother to come to the group, despite it being compulsory, this in itself raises the tension as it yet again seems like one rule for one and one rule for another.
It feels like I'm back at school with all the childish playground behaviour that has been going on what with she said this and she said that it's like really are we still at this level! While I accept that this illness does make you child like in many ways this situation really does feel like deliberate attention seeking childish behaviour for which I wish to have no part. I have to keep reminding myself that all the other patients are much younger than me, all around 18 but still we are all supposedly adults never the less. I think I struggle with it more though because seeing the attitude in certain patients reminds me of my second admission to a unit and I was just like that so its hard to see without wanting to tell them to stop other wise they will still be titting about with the illness 13 years later like me.

My solution to avoid the issues is to continue to try to keep myself to myself and stay in my room out of the way, this was working ok until my name got dragged in to a conversation regarding patients levels of thinness and this was disclosed to me on Monday morning after I had been weighed of all times. I was not happy to say the least it's hard enough being paranoid that people are looking at you and judging you based on your size so to actually have this confirmed as fact was really unhelpful. My temper flared and I stormed to my door all ready to confront the patient and let all hell break loose, luckily for the patient in question rational becky kicked in and stopped me instead deciding not to be dragged down to the level of a child but to raise the issue within the support group inviroment.

Things came to a head in support group as the ward manager came in to try to find out what was causing the tension and heat on the unit, as per usual it was me that ended up speaking and left me yet again frustrated that I'm the only one that will speak up and thinking that everyone is thinking can't she ever just shut up!! Since then the tension does seem to have subsided slightly and people are really trying to focus on there own treatment rather than concerning themselves with that of others, I just hope this lasts.

So now you see why perhaps I have not really felt able to blog however on a lighter note my best friends came on Sunday and 'brought me Christmas!' It was perfect they turned up with Christmas headbands, crackers, prezzies, and even decorated my room Christmas tree with lights the lot. The afternoon was so lovely they really spoilt me. We had home alone on and they painted my nails. It was far more than I deserved I just hope one day I will be in a position to return the gesture.

So that takes me up to today and I'm not really sure how I feel, a mixture of emotions comes to mind anxious, scared, excited, nervous, to name but a few. I think I'm really anxious that in ward round today a final decision will be made about Christmas leave and despite trying not to I have really pinned my hopes on getting 9am Xmas day till 5.30pm boxing day. This is less than I originally asked for but after thinking it through and talking to Ben and family I decided stopping out till 9pm boxing day might be too much of a challenge too soon. I have planned for the days just in case and mom came in to see the dietician with me on Monday to talk about portion sizes which I have relayed to Ben so he can support me if I get leave.

Another reason for me feeling uneasy today is that I have put on a hoody that I've not worn before as I think it looks too tight over my stomach and draws attention to how much it sticks out, it also has faint horizontal stripes which I have been told are not slimming so I am worried that they make me look bigger than I already do. I have asked a couple of staff on their opinion but am still not sure I agree will get Bens opinion later as his is the one I trust, that is if I manage not to change prior to him coming.