Friday, 28 December 2012

Back to normal

So that was Christmas and what a wonderful day it was I am so proud of myself that I made it through the day and didn't vomit once. I wish I could say it had all gone without any stress and tears but I can't as there were several.

Dinner was at mom and dads and although we had worked it out with the dietician I still really struggled to accept that what was in front of me wasn't more than I should have been having as it looked really big on my plate and convinced me it was more than I would be I having if I was on the unit. It didn't detract however that it tasted amazing and made me realise that my taste is starting to really improve. I didn't freak out that times of meals were vastly different and was flexible to have pudding instead of an afternoon snack as we didn't have dinner till 3pm when my sister came home from work. Tea didn't happen till around 9pm and although this was also stressful it was progress as before I would never even consider eating a meal at this time.

I managed several glasses of light wine and two glasses of sherry, I only managed a few sips of the vat of sherry produced by my father in law at their house on Christmas morning though!!

The best part of the day was getting to sleep in my own bed and to curl up to Ben and then wake up the next morning next to him. I didn't even get annoyed when George (the cat) woke me up in the night by sitting on my head!! Curling was exceptionally nice as prior to my admission I couldn't do this due to the severe swelling of my legs.

Boxing day was good, Ben and I had breakfast together and I really tried to not get stressed when he was in the kitchen at the same time as me and even allowed him to put my toast in for me, something I would not even consider before. I did panic that I had way too much milk on my weetabix but still managed not to vomit. After a coffee at mom and dads we went to hobby craft and then home for lunch. I decided to have chunky steak and potato soup and found it really filling and did panic that I was having too much and that I would get more calories from it as it was liquid not solid and it would therefore not burn as many digesting it, but after a bowl of fresh fruit we went it to town to have a mooch in the sales. Still managing not to vomit and even sitting with Ben to eat and was able to discuss how I was feeling about the food and why I was so scared.

On the way home for lunch I asked Ben how he had found dinner the previous day and breakfast and was upset that he thought the relationship was still quite one sided and that it still revolved around food especially as I had really tried to take on board the things from prior to my admission that he had told me bothered him and to not do them even letting him sit with me for lunch and had really tried to be more normal and more flexible.

In town Ben brought me a jumper, hat and I even got a dress. The dress is slightly big at the moment but maybe in time I will fill out and it will be ok. We stopped for a coffee and snack in Starbucks and even though I had checked calories and worked out what to have in advance I was shocked that by the time I got to ordering it I was physically shaking like a leaf, I couldn't get my words out when trying to order and then couldn't get my money out of my purse because my hands were shaking so much, the poor guy must of thought I was a complete freak!!
Ben wondered what the hell was wrong but I couldn't explain, I think there were a couple of reasons. One reason was that I was convinced that they had given me something more than what I had asked for and that I hadn't worked out the calories properly, However I think a big factor was that it would be the first time in over twelve years that I had ordered something with the intention of actually eating and drinking it without vomiting.

I hate the fact that I was so reliant on calorie counting especially as I no from the nutrition group that they are a complete load of rubbish as they can be up to 30% wrong and you will never get the same amount of calories from a product each time you have it. It all depends in what your doing, what else you have eaten, temperature and a whole host of other reasons. That aside it Was the only way I could get through the days as I really can't rely on judging potion sizes as everything seems too big.

I returned to the unit for dinner which was another ruddy buffet although this was slightly easier to deal with having faced it the other day. The hard part was just having to return and what was even harder to admit was that while I had done ok and didint want to come back I know that I still need to be here based on the amount of time that food still dictated my life,not eating it now but still thinking about it, working out numbers and worrying about the next meal. My leave really highlighted areas I still need to be working on to progress.

I thought I had done ok and was proud of the way I coped even through the struggles and having to ask repeatedly if I had had to much or worked things out correctly. So it really through me when I had a big weight jump on Thursday as all I could think was that I had had way to much on my leave had not worked things out right and was greedy. Despite having had a small diet increase which was to have an extra slice of toast with breakfast I don't believe that this would have caused the jump. It totally through me and has really scared me that i can't go on leave because I eat and drink too much and should have been sick to reduce what I had without the need not to have it!! It has scared me so much that it really effected my request for leave for the new year as I will be too scared to drink any wine incase it gives me a huge weight gain again.
To make matters worse the dietician wasn't in, again! Apparently ill (more like skiverlitus if you ask me due to the excesses of Xmas and boxing day!) never the less though I was left to totally freak out. I did manage to talk with the day care dietician although it didn't help much as she didn't really know about my weight gain history but she did try and has agreed to come and see me on Monday if Our dietician isn't back.

Despite my fear I did request exceptional leave for new year and was granted 1pm on new years eve until 5pm new years day I'm just unsure of how I will cope if I want to have a drink as I am terrified of how my weight will be effected. I am dreading being weighed on Monday and how it will effect my leave if it has jumped up again but I know all I can do is wait.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Am I psychotic?

I'm guessing I must be as they gave me an anti psychotic drug last night, oh no wait that was just given to me by accident!!!! Can you believe a nurse in charge actually gave me the wrong medication even after I questioned the tablet as i didn't recognise it as one I normally had. She then took out the box and popped a second one out so I assumed they were just a different make so took it. It was only when I said that it was not the same as the one from the previous night and that maybe two boxes were open that I looked in the drug cupboard to discover instead of giving me omeprazole she had actually given me olanzapine. To say I went nuts would be an understanding, i was fuming and terrified because I had no idea it was.
The nurse said she would call the duty doctor and I made her give me the drug info sheet but was crying so hard I couldn't read it. One of the regular staff members came to me and she was amazing she was so caring and really tried to calm me down. I desperately wanted to make myself sick but at the same time we had just had snacks and I didn't want to mess my weight up.

I had my obs checked and my pulse was sky high and blood pressure was through the roof, the staff nurse asked me to lie down as my blood pressure was so high what the hell did she expect it to be the state I was in.
I was told that all it would do was make me sleep and they assured me that it wouldn't make me put on weight based on one tablet of the lowest dose but I still demanded to see the doctor myself especially as it says consult doctor if you are epileptic.

Saw the doctor who assured me any allergic reaction would would have happened within the first 30 - 60 minutes and that it would just make me sleep.

Ben went crazy and phoned the ward he admitted he was quite drunk so not sure how well the conversation would have gone but he was just angry like me.

Fingers crossed it didn't appear to have much of an effect and I still woke up several times in the night but then couldn't wake up after I went back to bed after being weighed. Got woken up at 8.12am giving me three minutes till breakfast, great!!!!

Oh well will speak to Ben later to see if I should make a formal complaint or just a verbal complaint to be handled by the team here as well as the bank staffs manager.

Good news though my weight looks like it might have finally plateaued ( touch wood, fingers crossed, hope I don't jinx it etc etc....) so have agreed to a small diet increase starting tomorrow by way of another slice of toast with breakfast. I am terrified this will make my weight go up loads on Thursday and that it will effect what I eat on my leave. All I can do though for the next couple of days is my best and try not to beat myself up if things don't go exactly to plan after all leave should be about fun not food.

On that note Merry Christmas xxxx

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Shut up please!!!!

Not blogged for a few days because the endless screaming in my own head has been relentless and I have had very few moments when I would have been able to write anything resembling either constructive or sentence like.

It started Thursday with the dreaded weigh in which luckily my weight didn't really do much however this meant that the dietician came looking to discuss how we move forward. I said that I was concerned that if I had an increase and my weight went up lots Monday how it would impact on my leave and if this would trigger me to either restrict my intake or eat and purge. She agreed to wait till Monday to see what happened but did say that if it wasn't for Xmas I would have had the increase but I'm glad that she listened to my concerns even if they were anorexic based. I am now however petrified that my weight will jump up again tomorrow anyway and I'm not sure how I will cope.

Next trauma came in the shape of the buffet which was horrendous! For a start it didn't turn up on time and so we didn't have lunch till 1pm which just meant an extra half an hour wait to get more and more anxious. We all had to go in and select either four or six items depending on which portion you were on, it all looked amazing and my gut reaction was to still want it all, I wanted all the nice looking sandwiches the cheese, the egg the roast chicken salad the samosas the mini eggs I just wanted it all but only if I could get rid of it after. The harsh realisation came because I realised two things, the first being how much I am still stuck in the eat as much as you want and purge it mind set but the second how much eating to keep means having a really restricted diet. Despite the choice of the nice sandwiches I chose two ham on brown one on white and a plain chicken on white with some salad on the side, talk about a bloody cop out. I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn't challenge myself to try something new but as the staff pointed out to me several times I had already achieved more than they expected as they didn't even think they would get me in the dining room.

One of the patients is still causing issues on the unit. They make really inappropriate comments and constantly analyse your choice of snacks and meals making comments about how certain items have more or less calories than others and just generally been really unhelpful. They hover around the snack list making an already difficult choice even harder when you think they are watching what your picking and judging you for it. The only saving grace is that they are moving her to another unit as she needs a different kind of care for the other issues she has apart from the anorexia. It's harsh but roll on the seventh January when she goes. Until then though it is getting increasingly difficult to rise above the situation without lashing out at her or someone else.

Have been feeling really huge. Mom brought in some black trousers for me to see if she could alter them and a new checked top so I had something new to wear on Xmas day, then my jeans that I ordered along with a checked shirt arrived and I love them. The jeans were too big so mom said she would take them in I was so excited at the thought of new things to wear and in my head they were going to look good and give me a bit of a confidence boost. Oh dear!!! Mom brought them back for me to try yesterday but they looked stupid, the black trousers looked like they had a crease down the back that had been ironed in the Wong place and they was a huge bump in the back of the jeans, I was so disappointed as they looked nothing like I wanted them to look. So didn't mean to sound ungrateful as I know my mom will have done the best she possibly could to get them right for me but the truth is I won't look like I want in them because I don't have the figure I want.

I was also upset because Ben went to the German market with friends on Friday night and I saw a photo on face book and he looked so happy and this is something I have been unable to do for a long time. They then all went back to our house and drank and played games till about 3am. I hate the fact that I was so jealous one because they were in my house and not me and the main reason was because Ben was getting yet another glimpse of what life would be like to be with someone who was not so screwed up.
This bothered me so much so that I told him not to come yesterday and to get done what he needed to as I didn't want to say anything and come across as completely paranoid and untrusting as I do trust him it's just really difficult being stuck in here while life goes on without you.

So now it's Sunday and the dreaded weigh day is looming I'm already panicking and feeling ill at the thought. All I want to do is say head shut up please!!!!

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Good news at last!!

Woo hoo!! I got leave for Christmas I will be leaving the prison at 9am Christmas day and not returning till 5.30pm on boxing day I am so excited I could burst!! As always though eating disorder has reared it's ugly head to try to spoil it filling my thoughts with the idea that I am obviously now well and shouldn't be here as I am one of the only patients to get leave. This was not helped last night by one of the staff nurses telling me having my physical observations done twice a day was pointless if I was now getting leave, this made me feel like I was fine and that there was no concern over my health and that I was a fake for being here, as if I didn't hate her enough as it was.

While I am excited I am also petrified. I am worried in case I don't cope and make myself sick or that everyone will see me eat weirdly and think badly of me. I am so scared that the temptation to eat lots will be too strong and so I will end up vomiting. I just hope that with a plan in place I will be able to control myself and resist the urge to eat more than I feel I should, panic and then make myself sick.

Plan for boxing day is also quite exciting, shopping!! I don't really want to buy anything but I haven't been in shops for so long I just want to have a mooch in the sales. I just don't want to sit around all day as that's all I do here. Plan is to have a sandwich in town if I am able if not a backup is going to be in the shape of a pre made one I will take with me. Scary thing is coming back to the unit only to then be faced with a Buffett.

Talking of which for some bizarre reason we are having a Buffett lunch today. I am so scared as I will want to try everything and eat loads as that's always been my past experience. I think the staff supervise what you take and make sure you have enough but not too much but I am still terrified.

Quite a busy day today which is good as I did pretty much bugger all yesterday! Fingers crossed Ben is coming later and my parents and sister tonight, good times.

Still mental, not dead!!

I haven't blogged for a few days because so much has been going on with issues on the unit that my head has been all over the place and I haven't really been able to think straight enough to succinctly get it out in writing, however I thought I would give it a go today but apologies if it is still somewhat of a ramble.

Tensions on the unit between certain patients have been really bad and came to a head on Sunday night when a particular comment upset a patient so much that she flipped out and ended up in A&E with two fractured knuckles having punched a wall several times!!
The tensions seem to stem from a clash of personalities between two of the patients but rather than them just accepting they will never get on they continue to made snide comments and generally keep going at each other this however causes all the other patients to become involved as it is done in communal areas and so affects everyone. I have tried several times to raise issues in support group but one of the patients involved doesn't bother to come to the group, despite it being compulsory, this in itself raises the tension as it yet again seems like one rule for one and one rule for another.
It feels like I'm back at school with all the childish playground behaviour that has been going on what with she said this and she said that it's like really are we still at this level! While I accept that this illness does make you child like in many ways this situation really does feel like deliberate attention seeking childish behaviour for which I wish to have no part. I have to keep reminding myself that all the other patients are much younger than me, all around 18 but still we are all supposedly adults never the less. I think I struggle with it more though because seeing the attitude in certain patients reminds me of my second admission to a unit and I was just like that so its hard to see without wanting to tell them to stop other wise they will still be titting about with the illness 13 years later like me.

My solution to avoid the issues is to continue to try to keep myself to myself and stay in my room out of the way, this was working ok until my name got dragged in to a conversation regarding patients levels of thinness and this was disclosed to me on Monday morning after I had been weighed of all times. I was not happy to say the least it's hard enough being paranoid that people are looking at you and judging you based on your size so to actually have this confirmed as fact was really unhelpful. My temper flared and I stormed to my door all ready to confront the patient and let all hell break loose, luckily for the patient in question rational becky kicked in and stopped me instead deciding not to be dragged down to the level of a child but to raise the issue within the support group inviroment.

Things came to a head in support group as the ward manager came in to try to find out what was causing the tension and heat on the unit, as per usual it was me that ended up speaking and left me yet again frustrated that I'm the only one that will speak up and thinking that everyone is thinking can't she ever just shut up!! Since then the tension does seem to have subsided slightly and people are really trying to focus on there own treatment rather than concerning themselves with that of others, I just hope this lasts.

So now you see why perhaps I have not really felt able to blog however on a lighter note my best friends came on Sunday and 'brought me Christmas!' It was perfect they turned up with Christmas headbands, crackers, prezzies, and even decorated my room Christmas tree with lights the lot. The afternoon was so lovely they really spoilt me. We had home alone on and they painted my nails. It was far more than I deserved I just hope one day I will be in a position to return the gesture.

So that takes me up to today and I'm not really sure how I feel, a mixture of emotions comes to mind anxious, scared, excited, nervous, to name but a few. I think I'm really anxious that in ward round today a final decision will be made about Christmas leave and despite trying not to I have really pinned my hopes on getting 9am Xmas day till 5.30pm boxing day. This is less than I originally asked for but after thinking it through and talking to Ben and family I decided stopping out till 9pm boxing day might be too much of a challenge too soon. I have planned for the days just in case and mom came in to see the dietician with me on Monday to talk about portion sizes which I have relayed to Ben so he can support me if I get leave.

Another reason for me feeling uneasy today is that I have put on a hoody that I've not worn before as I think it looks too tight over my stomach and draws attention to how much it sticks out, it also has faint horizontal stripes which I have been told are not slimming so I am worried that they make me look bigger than I already do. I have asked a couple of staff on their opinion but am still not sure I agree will get Bens opinion later as his is the one I trust, that is if I manage not to change prior to him coming.

Sunday, 16 December 2012


Finally felt like I had made a tiny bit of progress in the dining room yesterday. After some careful thought I asked my named nurse if I could try moving from the supervised table to an unsupervised table for my 3.15pm snack as I felt that because I really struggle with my meals it might make me feel like I had at least made a small step forward. My nurse thought it was a good idea but to just try one snack to start with. It was quite scary as I had to accept that I could be trusted to eat my snack and not cheat by trying to get rid of some of it and this completely went against what my eating disorder wants, never the less I did it and felt quite proud of my achievement.

My sense of achievement however was short lived when after dinner last night a particular patient announced she was going to be unsupervised for all meals and snacks, my reaction " what the fuck!!"
Perhaps I should explain my reason for such a reaction by highlighting some of her behaviour displayed at breakfast a mere two days ago, when challenged about not having used all her milk a staff member poured the remaining milk from her jug on to the cereal so the patient spooned three spoons of milk on to the table! The cereal was then replaced at which point she bellowed there was more cereal than last time and staff were just picking on her, the outcome three handfuls of cereal were removed from the bowl, crunched up and thrown at a member of staff!! Finally at dinner yesterday she was challenged about the way she ate a sandwich several times so she got up and moved to another table. Answer by staff to this behaviour.... put her on the unsupervised table, genius!!!!

Now I can see why they have done it I think they are working on the assumption that challenging her doesn't work and almost makes her more defiant to do the complete opposite to what they ask her and so if she is on unsupervised she will just get on with it. Great in principle but if this is not the case it is really unfair on patients who have worked hard to be trusted enough to actually progress to that point and not just been given it because staff have given up!! I know it's petty to think like this but it really did feel like my achievement had been pissed on (pardon my French!)

After talking it through with parents and Ben I have decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it will work and she will just get on with it and not feel the need to cheat herself and constantly kick off as most of the time she will be on her own and therefor have no one to play up for. However if I find that at snacks she is still crunching her crunchie and then dropping half of it on the floor I'm afraid sod it I will say something as I'm not going to be made to feel like a complete mug for sitting there complying when she blatantly isn't. While I readily accept that I am there for me and at the end of the day she is only really cheating herself it does have an effect on those around her and I don't see why I should put up with it just because people don't want to say things to her because they know the reaction in her it will provoke. Guess we shall see what happens today..

Friday, 14 December 2012

Moving day

Yesterday was hideous!! The day began with the dreaded weigh in which I'm pleased to say did nothing it was the same as Monday but just like all the other times this has happened I daren't get my hopes up its stopping as it will more than likely jump up again on Monday.
During breakfast I suddenly felt really sick and lightheaded like I was going to pass out so had to go and lie down. I did manage to go back and complete my breakfast and then went to my room for a sleep. This was on top of me already having a bad throat. One thing I got from ward round on wednesday was that I am now allowed to manage my own sitting time after breakfast it took three weeks of asking but it's progress never the less.

One of the hardest things yesterday was being asked to move rooms, I have been in the high dependency room since I came in and yesterday they asked me to move to one of the other rooms. The first thing I was told was that this did not mean I was well they just thought it would be nice for me to have a room with some carpet and that was slightly less clinical. While this is true and my new room is slightly more homely(ish) it did make me feel like I was not ill any more and so didn't need to be here and that everyone else was Ill and I was just a fake. I managed to laugh it off when other patients asked why I was moving by saying I had been promoted and had gone up market but inside I was dying. It's really hard going from everyone panicking about you 24/7 to not really been particularly concerned as it really feeds the eating disorder in you to believe you are not good enough and should try harder to be ill.
It was also particularly hard as I thought the next time I packed my stuff it would be to go home not to move three doors up and unpack it again!! The only bonus is that I have finally managed to get rid of the air mattress despite then saying I needed to take it with me I managed to convince them to let me try a normal mattress after all I don't have bones sticking out any more and a firmer mattress will be better for my bad back. Sleeping last night on it was amazing it was so quiet in my room I could actually hear my clock without the need to strain my ears and every time I moved it didn't sound like I was on a lylo, heaven.

The final trauma came in the form of dinner I was expecting spaghetti bolognese which I have had several times and size wise have got used to, one spoon pasta and one spoon sauce so I was filled with complete fear when they said the meal had come ready mixed, they lifted the lid of my plate and all I saw was a mound of penne pasta and meat (not really any sauce, just meat!) I completely freaked out staff said the portion was right and that they had served two spoons of the mixed meal but to my mind this meant that I had had more pasta than I should have had and I still think that now, three attempts of walking out and back in to the dining room and I did manage to eat it unfortunately despite having a good chat to staff I was unable to keep it all and did vomit all though this was after an hour. I was really disappointed in myself but I guess it's a learning curve and will be something for me to work on.

The day was also traumatic as we had a new patient in which of course I thought she would be looking at me and thinking my god why is she here she is clearly not ill. It's always really hard when a new patient comes in as you don't know how it will effect the dynamics of the unit. Not that the dynamics are that good anyway at the moment, one particular patient is still kicking off at the drop of a hat, or in her case cornflakes which this morning needed replacing three times as she insisted on throwing them all over the table and also poking every portion of margarine. She is incredibly rude to staff and continues to moan about other patient making a fuss in the dining room and then goes on to sit there swearing at staff and throwing food around.

Anyway it looks like I may get some Christmas leave which will be brilliant but very scary and daunting, I will find out for sure on Wednesday so fingers crossed.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Lock down!!!!

My god this week is going to be long!! Due to the out break of vomiting and diarrhea they have had to close the ward. This means we have no groups or therapy sessions and even worse no visitors are allowed and it won't reopen until 72 hours after the final symptom has passed.

Great this has meant no session with the psychologist today, no relaxation and another week without a massage. The worse thing for me is that I was due time out tomorrow to go to the dentist at which point I was also going to go home and see George and now I can't go as no one can leave the ward, not even to go to the craft room. Infact it's more like a prison than usual!

Everyone is feeling the effects of the closed unit as it is feeling like an extended weekend that is just dragging on with no end in sight. One patient is in isolation and so we have no idea if she is still ill or now symptom free and staff just keep telling us they will keep us updated as and when they know anything.

This all happened yesterday which to say added to an already shockingly bad day would be an understatement. Yet again my weight jumped up still without any form of increase in my diet, now just under a stone till my pausing point weight wise and I just know I'm going to get there on this tiny diet and they won't be able to maintain my weight, so it will keep going up before I'm ready to see if I want to go any higher at which point I will freak out and just want to loose it all. This is making me really just want to discharge myself go home and go back to work. This caused Ben and I to argue yesterday as I sometimes feel that he doesn't listen to me, I don't need him to agree or even understand but to just realise that sometimes I just need to tell him how I feel regardless of how stupid or irrational it sounds as its how I feel and I need to share it else I think sometimes I might go mad. He could not do this yesterday and talked over me and told me that it was irrational and he would discuss it when I was thinking more clearly really not helpful!

So as the never ending day goes on I have started to think about ward round tomorrow and hoping that the consultant will actually bother to be in unlike the dietician who I desperately need to talk to and was not in yesterday and not here today either (genius eating disorder unit and no dietician on weigh day!!!). I am going to request my Christmas leave and also to manage my own sitting time after breakfast, despite the fact they have said no to this for two weeks I will ask again. I hope they make some sort of decision over leave as next week will only give me six days to plan everything and it's going to need a lot of planning, especially meal wise.
I know Ben and my family need to know what's happening so they can plan their own Christmas and also prepare if I am going home as it will be just as stressful for them as it will be for me just for different reasons.

Fingers crossed for a decision I'm sure the screams of anger and frustration will be heard far and wide if they don't make a decision or worse still make the decision that gives me a no.

Sunday, 9 December 2012


Eughh feeling like total pants!! Spent all day asleep yesterday having had sickness and diarrhoea. This is such a shame after having such a wonderful evening out on Friday.
Ben and I finally had an evening out (all be it without official leave) and we went to see Rhod Gilbert who was so funny I laughed until I cried. It felt amazing to be laughing a genuine laugh, not forced or fake but real laughing something I have been unable to do for years.

It was quite a stressful night and I felt extremely self conscious about the way I looked particularly when I saw my work colleague who's first comment was that I looked well. Now while I know this isn't meant as my god you look huge in my head that's exactly what it means. I am also worried that he will go in to work and say how well I look and that everyone will then be questioning why I'm still here and not back at work.

Truth be told the evening did highlight that while in some ways I have progressed I still have many issues that need resolving, it really upset me that half way through I found that rather than just enjoying the evening I was working out in my head how many calories I was having in the wine and sweets and trying to work out if it would be too much, whatever too much actually is. A particularly low point was when I made Ben google to see how many calories were in popcorn before I would even eat a piece, if that wasn't bad enough it really stressed me out when he wouldn't let me look for myself and I wasn't getting the answers I needed because he wasn't doing it properly. Only afterwards did I look at this and realise that I found it stressful because I wasn't in control and my perfectionistic tendencies were making me feel annoyed that he wasn't doing it right, ridiculous I know but the feelings were prominent never the less.

That aside we did have a great night and Ben even took me home for a few minutes so I could see George (the cat) it was both wonderful and weird to be back at home after so long. The cat wasn't particularly interested in me despite having some fuss I felt like he was thinking your kind of familiar but not really sure that I know who you are although he seemed slightly happier when I fed him. Talking of food (yes I know that's nothing new) I had to look in the fridge just to see if it Was as bad as I imagined it was going to be, all I will say is there were items that I know I left in there before I came in to hospital and will leave it at that!!

Ben and I had a good talk on the way back to hospital which was quite hard, he was explaining more about how he has really felt over the last year or so and how me being ill has effected him and our relationship. His honesty is needed but I am so scared that I have put a huge strain on the relationship and made him so unhappy and that things may not go well if I can't completely beat my illness, which of course I may never do fully. Hopefully if we can continue to talk and be as open and honest as possible we can keep working on issues and move forward.

It is just a shame that I woke up after the night yesterday feeling like total crap, I felt sick had upset stomach felt light headed and had a splitting headache. I have to admit that I thought at first it may be a reaction to having had a couple of glasses of wine after months without but as I was still feeling crap when I went to bed last night and still feel crap this morning I am thinking it may be a virus as suggested by the doctor yesterday. That aside I am terrified that this will now stop them even considering leave for Christmas as they will say I'm not well enough to cope. It really didn't help that I didn't manage breakfast, I did try I went in to the dining room three times but had to leave each time for fear I was about to throw up! I made myself have a supplement as I was terrified at not having the calories because of the effect it might have in my weight. I managed about 3/4 but couldn't finish it as I knew it would be coming straight back up if I did, minging does not even come close to the taste!!

I am really worried that I will have totally messed up my weight for Monday and that it will either jump up loads because it will hold on to more fluid than normal or go down but this won't be real. I am just terrified and dreading Monday.

Friday, 7 December 2012

Time out

So the day has finally arrived! I have waited three months for an evening away from the ward to see Rod Gilbert and what was the final decision on leave from the team..... Yes that's right NO!!

Despite this I have decided that I am going anyway the team have basically said that while they can't give me formal leave as it is clinically not a safe course of action they have given me assurance they will not section me on the proviso that I come back after and that I am fully aware it is against medical advice and basically if I drop dead Ben can't sue them!

So all agreed I will be leaving tonight with Ben around 6.30ish, am I excited? Err I think terrified would be a far better analysis of how I actually feel. It's crazy I have been looking forward to this moment for months and now it's here I feel sick at the thought of going.

I can't wait to spend some quality time with Ben but the anxiety around it is crippling to the point that it makes me not want to go. I am terrified that people will look at me and think how out of proportion my body looks and how big I am. It will be the first time in over 11 years I will have eaten a meal and gone out without having vomited to make myself feel thin enough to go. Not only will I have just eaten when we leave but I will also have to change in to tighter clothes after eating and I am dreading this.

I am really nervous even about being around so many people as I have spent three months in a safe, and small environment the thought of lots of people is quite daunting.

An added anxiety was finding out that one of my work colleagues who works at the venue part time will be working there tonight. I am so scared that he will see me and think that I have got lots bigger and look well and therefore will not understand why I'm still here and not back at work.

Ben has tried his best to reassure me but I feel like I have really upset him because I can't believe what he says about my size, it's not that I don't trust him I just can't comprehend that because I have physical proof I am bigger (no longer needing a belt to just manage to keep my jeans from falling down) that it is not visible to others.

Oh well just got to keep going its not helped that I'm having a really bad 'fat day' although I imagine much of this is triggered by my raised anxiety levels. Fingers crossed I will be able to walk out of the door and Ben will be able to get me in and to the bar for that longed for glass of wine and a few haribo (other jelly sweets are available!!)

Wednesday, 5 December 2012


As I suspected ward round was a complete waste of time. Despite the assurance of the consultant that the team would give me an idea of what amount of leave would be realistic for Christmas  for me to ask for all I was told was that it was too soon! They said I was doing well and making progress but then this was not backed up by telling me it was too soon to start managing my own sitting time even just after breakfast which is all I had requested. The only thing I got was to go from level two obs (every 15 minutes) to level one (checking where you are once an hour). Now while I agree this is progress I just feel like I'm never listened to, I had a talk with one of the staff nurses regarding how I felt about level two and I said that at fist it felt like I had gone from all to nothing over night. I explained that following a chat with my named nurse people doing checks were actually asking if I was ok as opposed to just sticking head through the door and leaving was really helpful as it was giving way to an opportunity for dialogue and I found it easier to say how I was feeling and more able to talk things over rather than having to try to find a staff member, especially as on several occasions there have been none around. So all in all was finding it helpful, so they stop it!! It seriously feels like I may as well talk to the wall!!

So now were back to Thursday again and yet another weigh day where my weight is still going up despite still no diet change. I have really had enough and feel like if I don't get out of here I may actually go mad, my mood and motivation are at an all time low and nothing I say to family seems to be right and is perpetuating my feelings that I have let them down and disappointed them. All I want to do is get out of here and go back to work, I just to need to feel like I have a purpose to get out of bed and that days can have variation not like here when one meal rolls in to the next and one day in to another. There is no change its like ground hog day and quite frankly I've had enough.

Crap day!

Great!! Have just found out that the consultant is not in ward round today so i don't know why they are even bothering to have it as they won't make any decisions without him. Looks like I will be going to see Rod Gilbert without official leave. They were also supposed to be discussing Christmas leave so I would have an idea of what I might get even if no formal decision is made at this point. It's so hard to plan for the day without knowing if and what leave I may have, and it's stressful enough as it is.

To add insult to injury I have had severe pain in my back and hips for the last few days so was really looking forward to my massage today with the complimentary therapist. Well what a bloody surprise she won't be in today either!! So to say my day is ruined would be an understatement.

There is very little that keeps you feeling motivated to get up in a morning in here especially as you know it will be the same old shit just another day, nothing really changes except my weight but in terms of my thinking and feelings I am still where I was three months ago. It feels like my body has sped off and my head is still stalled on the starting line.

Motivation to do anything at the moment is at an all time low all I seem to want to do is sleep, not sure if this is due to sleeping poorly at night or just because I don't have to think when I'm sleeping. I have finished the first module of my course and emailed it yesterday for marking I feel like I have already failed as its advised that all modules from the first section of the course be completed by Christmas and I have only managed one I feel like I have let myself down and also disappointed Ben that I haven't motivated myself to do more work and not sleep. I have informed my tutor I am in hospital and asked if it matters that they will not all be completed I currently await his response.

So now my day is feeling empty and ultimately pointless I'm not really sure what to do, maybe I will make some Christmas cards or maybe I will just sleep.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Too early!!

Seriously wanted to chin the nurse that woke me up this morning!! I think I finally managed to get to sleep at about 2.30am, waking again at 4am and then dozed on and off but must have gone to sleep properly at about 5am (ish) then at 6.05am in comes the nurse with her booming voice "come on Bec time to get up' err I wouldn't mind but my alarm hadn't even gone off which is set for 6.15am she then repeated this every minute till I emerged ready for the impending doom of being weighed. I really don't get why this horrific event has to be done so damn early, it is claimed that it is so it can be put on the computer and ready in the notes for handover at 7pm, surely it would be just as easy for them to allow us to be weighed at 7am and for day staff to put it on the computer!!

Oh well guess I will just have to spend yet another day being crazy tired. So as per usual my weight has gone up again, it was a smallish gain but will undoubtably jump up on Thursday as at seems to be the pattern, either large jump Monday and smaller on Thursday or visa versa, either way it's still showing no sign of stopping!! I am convinced it will still be going up on this diet when I get to my target weight and to say I am petrified would be an understatement.

Had my heart echo on Saturday and I was terrified going out but it was really nice to have some freedom, especially after not being out for three months. I don't think I've ever been so excited to go in to WHSmiths (there is one in the main hospital) I was like a kid in a sweet shop, talking of which I was still really drawn to looking at all the food and was especially drawn to the pic and mix! I love jelly sweets and have missed having them, mom did offer to get me some but I declined. Clearly not ready for extra yet, especially as I felt so huge anyway and that the nurse who did my echo was thinking how big I looked and especially how much my stomach was sticking out. I desperately wanted to see myself in a proper mirror (the ward mirrors are not normal and distort your image, I mean seriously is my body image not screwed up enough!!) and see myself as thin but there was a full length mirror in the room and I really couldn't see any part of me that looked even remotely thin all I could see was a body that was too big and it felt like it shouldn't be my body. I wish I could just see through someone else's eyes for two minutes to see how they really see me just so I could know if what I am seeing is real or not.

The echo itself was ok and fairly painless, although the bruises it has left me with are quite the opposite. It was interesting to see and hear my heart and see it beating although quite bizarre! I should get the results in a couple of weeks, I did ask if they could see anything but she said they just send a report to the consultant. I'm sure if they had seen anything too serious they may have shown some more concern and not take two weeks to let me know.

So here we go again with yet another week! I have been here three months today and I wish I could say I was feeling and thinking better but I still feel like my weight and body have changed dramatically but my head is in the same place it was all that time ago, just dont think it will ever catch up.

Saturday, 1 December 2012


I am finally having some freedom today!! Ok so it's only to go over the road to the main hospital for a heart echo but still I will finally get to see that a world still exists outside of this unit. Now while I am looking forward to a break I am so anxious about going its ridiculous. I am so worried that people will be looking at me and thinking how big I am and that I look really out of proportion body wise. People have tried to reassure me that this will most definitely not be the case but I can't shake off the anxiety. I tried my jeans on yesterday ready for today and was so freaked out by how tight they felt, I certainly no longer need a belt to hold them up. My mom has said that they still look baggy but I can see how tight they look and how big my bum looks in them. I have tried to convince myself that they feel tighter because I have been wearing really baggy joggers for the last twelve weeks but it's not working.

I had a shocking nights sleep worrying about it I couldn't get to sleep and then when I did i kept dreaming really random dreams and waking up. So now I am so tired I am struggling to keep my eyes open. Just fell asleep while still typing so had a quick read to see if anything I had written made sense or was the ramblings of a sleep deprived person. It was only by doing this that I have realised the craziness of this illness I am so concerned about being seen and people judging me that I haven't even considered getting anxious over the reason I'm going for the echo.

I have to go because i have had several abnormal readings from my ECG's and one of the readings indicate the possibility that part of my heart is dead!! Now while the guy that does the ECG's doubts this to be the case there are still several abnormal readings  and so you would think I should be more concerned about the results and the implications they may have for me long term. It is fact that when you don't take in enough food your body will break down muscle for energy so effectively your body starts to eat itself! One of the biggest muscles is the heart and so often gets damaged a consequence of anorexia and bulimia. Worst of all I have given my heart  a double whammy as it will have been not only damaged by being at such a low weight but years of vomiting will have put a massive strain on it.

Sad truth is the reason I haven't really thought about the actual test is because I don't really think anything will be wrong, I'm not sure if this is because I still don't think that physically I am or have been ill or that I don't really care. After all if there is something wrong it's my own fault so i cant really complain or worry about it.