Apprehensive

I am feeling so full of anxiety today and quite low after events of the last couple of days. My primary anxiety today is a visit from my local eating disorder nurse who is coming to ward round to discuss my continuing care for when I leave the unit. The way funding works at the moment means that because my local eating disorder service doesn't have an inpatient facility they will fund my care here however when I leave I will not be able to continue to be seen as an out patient because that service is available in my local area. This will mean that any relationship i have built up with dieticians, doctors and my psychologist will also be stopped even if in the middle of working through issues.

Here in lies the issue my so called local service consists of one woman with whom I have seen twice before and had bad experiences with each time. The first time I saw her several years ago prior to my first admission here she effectively told me there was nothing wrong with me the second time I saw her three years ago she said I wasn't ready to get better!
It was also at this appointment I was advised if I wasn't prepared to see her I couldn't access a dietician. It was over the three years since then that I have faught to get help and was seen by a cpn (community psychiatric nurse) who discharged me because she wasn't specialised in ed and so couldn't really help me further. I was also seen by a psychiatric doctor who also discharged me for the same reason. That readers is the sum total of my local ed service. So as it stands at the moment when I leave the unit these are the same 'services' I will be offered. As I have explained to the consultant and team here I don't really feel it would be helpful to see the nurse in question as I don't feel I could have a productive relationship with her but as that's all the service has to offer it's that or nothing!

So said nurse is coming in today like i said and I have been given the choice if I want to see her or not in the interest of showing willing and despite my reservations I have agreed to see her and here what she has to say and so she is coming in at some point today I'm just not sure what time. I only hope I have more success with her than in previous visits.

A couple of things have caused me to feel low and generally quite crap about myself from the last couple of days. Firstly involving a nurse who was observing me during Monday's melt down who while I was sobbing on the phone to Ben came in and told me to calm down as I was upsetting other people, well I'm afraid this did not go down particularly well with me as in one breath they tell me to let my emotions out and in the next not to. Anyway I'm afraid the nurse received the brunt of my anger and upset and I did give her a bit of a tongue lashing, something I'm not proud of but in the heat of the moment it was just uncontrollable. However the nurse then complained to the staff nurse informing her she was not happy with how I'd spoken to her. I was taken to my room and basically told off like I was a naughty child. I accept it was not nice to be yelled at and was more than happy to apologise to her which I did but you would think to work on this kind of unit or any psychiatric unit you would need to be slightly thicker skinned and have the ability to differentiate when someone is being deliberately rude to you directly and when it is just a release of emotion and stress.

Then yesterday after joking with the staff nurse on duty I came out with what a crock a shit! (a comment that I use all the time) it is a jokey comment and certainly not aimed to be rude to anyone however the nurses face dropped and seriously said "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that" I was completely gobsmacked as it was just one of my sayings and wasn't aimed at him but I was so shocked I just couldn't speak and was left feeling like I must be really rude and obnoxious. So this has now left me feeling that I will just keep my mouth shut from now on I don't feel comfortable now discussing how I feel or really speaking in general for fear of saying something wrong and being reprimanded like an infant.

That's where I'm at today emotionally and as for physically I am still in so much pain with my mouth infection eating is even harder than normal. I am still getting a great deal of pain in my back and hips and am keeping everything crossed that this week they will finally take me off bed rest.
Apart from that I feel like someone has come along and slapped a block of lard all over my stomach, back and thighs and my face looks bigger, although it is still swollen from the infection, and so generally I feel huge and quite hideous.

Hoping that the complimentary therapist will come and I can finally get a massage but the way things seem to be going I doubt it.