Wednesday, 31 October 2012


I am feeling so full of anxiety today and quite low after events of the last couple of days. My primary anxiety today is a visit from my local eating disorder nurse who is coming to ward round to discuss my continuing care for when I leave the unit. The way funding works at the moment means that because my local eating disorder service doesn't have an inpatient facility they will fund my care here however when I leave I will not be able to continue to be seen as an out patient because that service is available in my local area. This will mean that any relationship i have built up with dieticians, doctors and my psychologist will also be stopped even if in the middle of working through issues.

Here in lies the issue my so called local service consists of one woman with whom I have seen twice before and had bad experiences with each time. The first time I saw her several years ago prior to my first admission here she effectively told me there was nothing wrong with me the second time I saw her three years ago she said I wasn't ready to get better!
It was also at this appointment I was advised if I wasn't prepared to see her I couldn't access a dietician. It was over the three years since then that I have faught to get help and was seen by a cpn (community psychiatric nurse) who discharged me because she wasn't specialised in ed and so couldn't really help me further. I was also seen by a psychiatric doctor who also discharged me for the same reason. That readers is the sum total of my local ed service. So as it stands at the moment when I leave the unit these are the same 'services' I will be offered. As I have explained to the consultant and team here I don't really feel it would be helpful to see the nurse in question as I don't feel I could have a productive relationship with her but as that's all the service has to offer it's that or nothing!

So said nurse is coming in today like i said and I have been given the choice if I want to see her or not in the interest of showing willing and despite my reservations I have agreed to see her and here what she has to say and so she is coming in at some point today I'm just not sure what time. I only hope I have more success with her than in previous visits.

A couple of things have caused me to feel low and generally quite crap about myself from the last couple of days. Firstly involving a nurse who was observing me during Monday's melt down who while I was sobbing on the phone to Ben came in and told me to calm down as I was upsetting other people, well I'm afraid this did not go down particularly well with me as in one breath they tell me to let my emotions out and in the next not to. Anyway I'm afraid the nurse received the brunt of my anger and upset and I did give her a bit of a tongue lashing, something I'm not proud of but in the heat of the moment it was just uncontrollable. However the nurse then complained to the staff nurse informing her she was not happy with how I'd spoken to her. I was taken to my room and basically told off like I was a naughty child. I accept it was not nice to be yelled at and was more than happy to apologise to her which I did but you would think to work on this kind of unit or any psychiatric unit you would need to be slightly thicker skinned and have the ability to differentiate when someone is being deliberately rude to you directly and when it is just a release of emotion and stress.

Then yesterday after joking with the staff nurse on duty I came out with what a crock a shit! (a comment that I use all the time) it is a jokey comment and certainly not aimed to be rude to anyone however the nurses face dropped and seriously said "I don't appreciate being spoken to like that" I was completely gobsmacked as it was just one of my sayings and wasn't aimed at him but I was so shocked I just couldn't speak and was left feeling like I must be really rude and obnoxious. So this has now left me feeling that I will just keep my mouth shut from now on I don't feel comfortable now discussing how I feel or really speaking in general for fear of saying something wrong and being reprimanded like an infant.

That's where I'm at today emotionally and as for physically I am still in so much pain with my mouth infection eating is even harder than normal. I am still getting a great deal of pain in my back and hips and am keeping everything crossed that this week they will finally take me off bed rest.
Apart from that I feel like someone has come along and slapped a block of lard all over my stomach, back and thighs and my face looks bigger, although it is still swollen from the infection, and so generally I feel huge and quite hideous.

Hoping that the complimentary therapist will come and I can finally get a massage but the way things seem to be going I doubt it.

Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Yet another day!

Why is it the night seems to drag on forever when you can't sleep and yet when you do sleep the morning arrives in record time? Last night I couldn't sleep for the pain in my hips and back, caused by osteoporosis (yet another wonderful thing my eating disorder has given me!) I lay awake and clock watched for several hours tossing and turning just trying to get comfortable but the more I moved the more the noise of the bed bugged me and the more over tired I got. I finally got to sleep at about 5am and then five minutes later (well it seemed like five minutes) my alarm was going off and it was time to start yet another day!

Days in here seem to drag and go quickly all at the same time! On one hand I feel like I have been here forever but yet the meals seem to run in to one another so quickly and before I know it I will be having the last snack of the day going to bed and then another day will be here! It feels like my life is wasting away at such speed while I rot in here not improving. I know my weight is increasing but it feels like that's going up, I'm getting bigger, but yet my head has not even started to catch up and is still unwilling to or unable to change.

Tuesday's however are usually comparably more bearable, you have started to get over the trauma of Monday weigh in and have a slightly calmer demeanour before the stress of Wednesday ward round and Thursday weigh in. Also for me Tuesday's give me more time off the bed with the nutrition group at 11am and then the psychologist at 1pm along with sitting time in the lounge it makes for quite a full day away from my rooms four walls. Imagine my disappointment today then to discover that the nutrition group has been cancelled due to the dietician being unwell so that's an extra hour on the bed and I also find the group really helpful and informative. Oh well maybe I will take the opportunity to type up some more of my course work.

Hopefully the psychologist will be here for my session although I have to admit that I am feeling both nervous and apprehensive about today's session as we are starting to look at why I think the things I do and how we go about changing them. This will be incredibly hard I only hope that I will start to understand why I developed my eating disorder and how I can change my thinking. I hope I will be able to find out the real reason I stay trapped with the illness and how I can change so I no longer need it.

Monday, 29 October 2012

Melt Down!!

Today has been a complete nightmare I had a total melt down and have spent much of the day sobbing. As I feared my weight increased this morning despite my desperate hope that it wouldn't and that it would finally be at the point it would plateau. Yet again I feel like it is completely out of control I got so frustrated after being weighed that I clawed at my stomach just trying to pull the fat away! worse thing is I didn't even realise I was doing it till it started to sting where my nails had ripped in to the skin.

When I spoke to Ben last night he was upset and feeling low, all I wanted to do was go home cuddle him and make it ok but I couldn't because of being stuck in here. I didn't sleep all night for worrying about him and so this morning said I needed to go home, I explained to the staff nurse why I needed to go because he couldn't come here and I wouldn't see him till Thursday as he would be in London and I needed to be there to support him. I said I just needed an hour and would then be back before lunch. I was told they would speak to the doctor when she came at about 9am and see what they could do. All through breakfast I got my hopes up they would let me go only for the doctor to come and see me and say no because it went against my care plan. This did not go well and I stormed off to the door and demanded it be opened so I could go, before I new it the alarms were going off and staff from wards were at the door. I was bundled in to a side room where I sobbed that it was unfair and unreasonable after all I have been here 7 weeks and not even been outside and yet have not really faught them and gone along with treatment and stressed that it seemed to be one rule for one and one rule for another. I went back to my room and was told that no one on level 3 observations is ever allowed home so if this is the case why did they get my hopes up that there might be a chance rather than just tell me no it won't be an option to my mind this was just cruel.

As if this wasn't bad enough the doctor then came in and said that because I wanted to go home I was refusing treatment and so she was going to detain me, I stressed that I hadn't said I wanted to go for good so why did she need to section me but they said that they couldn't keep me here against my wishes and so needed a legal framework in place if I said I was going. I asked what they wanted me to say as I had already said I wasn't leaving but this was apparently not what my actions showed and so they would give me till 11.30 to make a decision. I may as well have banged my head up a brick wall! I spoke to Ben and also to my mom who said she was on her way.

Mom came and this turned in to a further nightmare with us both in tears saying things in completely the wrong way. I asked her if she could see any changes in my physical appearance and she said that she thankfully couldn't see my wind pipe in my neck so much because the skin was more hydrated and not pulled so taught over it and then that there was less of a gap between my stomach and hip bones, this would be hard to hear anyway but the upset came because I had asked her his 2 days ago and was told I looked no different at all. Now either I have changed in 2 days or she wasn't telling me the truth, when I asked her this she eventually said that the other day it was not appropriate to tell me. This caused me to feel like I couldn't trust her and then I got really upset and accused her of being a liar who I would never trust her again.
She spoke to one of the staff nurses but when she came back I was still fuming and ended up accusing her of things that I really didn't mean but could not seem to stop the words coming out despite the fact that she was crying and all I really wanted to do was cuddle her. This is the thing with this illness you are like Jekyll and Hyde and at times you are simply unable to control your emotions and like they say you always hurt the ones you love.
I finally managed to stop myself and just flung my arms round her and begged her to stay till after lunch so we could talk.

Throughout lunch I was petrified that she would have gone but thankfully she was still in my room and we had a good talk and cleared the air. I apologised for hurting her and she promised to tell me the truth even if she ran the risk of me not taking it well or even been hurt and upset by it, I only hope she keeps to this as honesty and truth is very important to me especially when it comes to how I look as I don't know how much of what I see I can believe.

Luckily the doctor returned and accepted that I was willing to stay informally and so at this point has not sectioned me.

The afternoon calmed down slightly and following a relaxation session I managed to have a sleep prior to dinner.

This takes me to now and I am feeling a bit like I have gone 100 rounds with Mike Tyson bruised and battered emotionally if not physically. Thankfully things have gone ok with Ben and he is feeling a little happier and I have spoken to Mom and made sure she is ok, I asked my dad to give her a hug when she got home and tell her he loved her which he said he would.
I think I may now try to calm down and watch some crap on the tv and fingers crossed sleep better tonight ready to face yet another day of torture tomorrow.

Sunday, 28 October 2012


Errr not feeling well today doctor has just been and I am the lucky owner of a mouth infection! No wonder it was hurting to bite and then swallow just waiting for antibiotics, let's hope they don't take as long as the last tablets I waited for which took 2 days!

Apart from feeling freezing cold and in pain I'm feeling quite crap in myself I feel like someone has got blocks of lard and slapped them all over my stomach, thighs, bum and arms! Just feel gross and hideous and would like to just pull the covers over me and write today off as a bad idea, and quite frankly been as though it's a Sunday I think I should be entitled to do so. I did suggest this to the staff but they seemed to disagree can't think why!
I am absolutely dreading been weighed tomorrow I feel sure that my weight is going to jump up loads from not vomiting and the fact I can see how much bigger I look and feel.

On top of all this I am feeling terribly home sick I miss Ben, George (my cat) and I miss my home and especially my bed, pillow and duvet. The air bed I have is awful it makes the loudest noise as it fills up with air and then goes down it makes a popping noise like a bowl of rice crispies - there really is no escape from bloody food- and then every time you move it makes the noise of a lilo and no sooner do you get in to a relatively comfortable position it fills with air and moves you!! Top that off with the hideous sheets and blankets and the useless pillows and your all set for a really warm, comfortable and restful nights sleep!!

I would put up with all of this if I could just be with Ben I miss him so much and I worry about him constantly, especially when he is home on his own. I know he is capable of looking after himself but I should be there to cook for him, do the washing and tidy up. I think he must feel like I keep going on about him shopping and what he has eaten and that it's just anorexia and my food obsession but it is far more than that. I know he doesn't see the point of cooking for one and so ends up eating a lot of take aways. Thank god his parents feed him some vegetables on a Sunday else I'll be visiting him in hospital when he gets survey or rickets!!
I know he misses me too and I can't imagine how hard this is for him I think people tend to forget that while this is a nightmare for me it's also incredibly hard for those left at home who have to deal with getting on with life while they know yours in on hold. Ben has often said he feels guilty going out and enjoying himself while I can't and although it is so hard for me to deal with and I worry all the time he will meet someone else I also don't want him to try to put his life on hold and mope at home, at least if he's out I don't worry about him being on his own. I cant lie and say I don't get jealous when he goes out with friends and to parties but then I have to remember even if I was at home I wouldn't have gone anyway as I wouldn't have anything to wear, and wouldn't want people to see me. So Ben would still go alone and I would still feel guilty and crap.

I asked Ben yesterday if he would rather have me in here getting bigger and not feeling like my thoughts have changed and not wanting to get well or have me at home. He didn't even need to think about it, in here, as although he misses me terribly at least there is a chance I may think and feel differently in time and he doesn't have to worry about me dropping dead whereas he would love me to be at home he could not go back to how things were.

I wish I could see things were going to get better and to think and believe we can go on to do all the fun things we used to do and all the other things we have talked about doing but at the moment I can't cope with the thought of being well and certainly don't want to get any bigger. I only hope I can stick at it long enough to see if my thoughts and feelings will change as I owe this to Ben, my family and friends. For the time being however I'm sorry to you all for not feeling this way now.

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Not happy!!

I don't think today's blog will be particularly helpful to those reading but more of a release for my frustration at things that have bugged me from the last couple of days.

I gave up smoking several years ago and am now considering taking it up again you may ask why and the simple answer is so I can get some fresh air (the irony is not lost on me) either that or in this weeks ward round I will ask for five minutes four or five times a day for a non smoking time outside. The reason this has come about is that a new patient was admitted Thursday and like me has been put on bed rest however she is a smoker and is therefore allowed outside to smoke several times a day. I know it's petty and childish but it feels completely unfair especially as i requested a week or so ago in ward round to be allowed five minutes outside, if dry, to get some fresh air and was told in no uncertain terms no because this is not bed rest. Love it one rule for one and one rule for another.

Something else that has really bothered me was a regular staff member embarrassing me yesterday in the dining room. As I mentioned in a previous blog eating disorders often cause people to eat in odd ways or become ritualistic in their eating. Yesterday at dinner we had spare ribs covered in BBQ sauce, rather than pick it up first I used a knife and fork to get most of the meat off along with the sauce fully intending to then pick them up to get remaining meat off. A senior staff nurse sat next to me saw this and made no comment, nursing assistant sat down and loudly across the table told me I had to pick them up I told her that i planned to do so when they had less sauce on but was told no you need to pick them up and if I wouldn't next time I should pick the other option on the menu! With this less than helpful comment I had to walk out of the dining room before I got in to an argument and made a scene as this was unfair to other patients. The said assistant then followed me to my room at which point I let rip explaining I didn't see what the problem was how I ate the bloody things as long as I ate them, pointing out that when we have been out for a meal my dad never picks them up and therefore this was not an eating disorder thing but just a case of personal preference. The ward manager who is also a staff nurse came in and asked if I would be prepared to go back to the dining room and have a supplement, this just made matters worse as I had at no point refused to eat the meal just objected to being told how to eat it. I explained that I was totally embarrassed by the way she spoke to me so that every patient could here which was denied but it was said across the table so you tell me how this was only audible to me? I did return to the dining room and proceeded to eat the ribs as I had intended from the start under the glare of the nurse. I don't know why I'm surprised as she is always really cold towards me and never supportive.

I don't mind staff challenging me over the way I eat things if done in an appropriate manor, coming to my side and speaking to me not bellowing it from the opposite side of the table for all to hear. It's embarrassing and hard enough to be challenged over your eating as it makes you feel like you are doing something wrong and are stupid so imagine how it feels to have this done in front of other patients.

I have often been challenged on ways i eat things but often for ways I have always done and haven't been inherited from having an eating disorder, however staff don't listen to this and just assume your saying it because of the eating disorder. I wish that they would sometimes stop to think that we all have our own ways and not to always assume everything is the eating disorder especially when we feel like that's all we are and have to offer anyway, In some ways to my mind they are perpetuating our thought that we are only an eating disorder and have nothing else to offer. I wish for once they could see we are people with thoughts and feelings who unfortunately have an eating disorder we are not just an eating disorder.

Friday, 26 October 2012


Imagine you have been ill and looked unwell for a time someone comments that you are looking better or well how do you react? I imagine the majority of you would be pleased to hear it and be glad you are not looking unwell anymore. Now say it to someone with an eating disorder and rather than being pleased what we will actually be thinking is great now I'm fat, too big, if I look well I can't be ill anymore so don't need to continue treatment or eat. How ridiculous is the eating disordered brain unable to process that people don't mean any of these things with this comment its just normal to tell people who are unwell they are looking better as most people don't want to hear god you look ill. Unfortunately that's exactly what anorexics want to hear as well means failure and being far too big.

I wish I could explain our twisted logic and our over all inability to accept any form of compliment without picking it apart and thinking people are only saying it to be kind at that it can't possibly be true, after all the only thing were good at is eating disorders. An important thing I've learnt is that no matter how uncomfortable it makes you feel and whether you believe it or not if someone pays you a compliment that you disagree with the natural thing is to say no that's not true, before you know it you are discussing the issue when in actual fact what you want to do is forget it as soon as possible.So just say thank you and it stops there and the moment passes. I accept that after the event I will pick it apart and analyse the comment and then worry that because I accepted the compliment with out discussion that the person thinks I'm arrogant or big headed but at least it ended it quickly at the time.

The reason for me saying this is because I had to deal with this situation on Wednesday, the modern matron who is using me as a case study for her degree (I agreed to this as I had nothing better to do and it might help someone else have a better understanding) happened to say you look well in the face, instantly I was filled with oh god my face must look so fat, I must look well, I'm too big and don't need to be here! Poor woman looked mortified when I explained what reaction and feelings her comment had induced in me and I have to admit to being slightly amused as she desperately back peddled reassuring me that I was tiny and she just meant I had good skin. It's a pitty not every one who works on this unit has the same level of learning curve.

Prime example when we get bank nurses on who although have been on the unit before don't work here regularly can come out with some classic comments. you can excuse the occasional stupid comment and for the most part we can take them for what they are and have a laugh at them for example discussing slimming world diets while you struggle your way through lunch informing you their weight fell off, hmm I hate to think how big you were before! Asking if you have enjoyed you meal/ snack,really what do you think! A particular favourite of mine is when they offer you one of their crisps of chocolates at snack time, yes please I eagerly reply of course I want to have more. Then this morning while buttering toast with a ready portioned amount of margarine the bank nurse asked would you like some more and a particularly good one shared to me by another patient was when she was using margarine and the bank nurse exclaimed urghh how on earth can you eat that don't you know what's in it thus proceeding to tell the patient how much fat it contained, arhh helpfull. However like I said for the most we can brush them aside and laugh at them.

Yesterday however a particular comment caused such a reaction in me that I had to get one of the regular staff to get the nurse in question away from me before I punched her!! 3.15pm snacks arrived for which I was to have milky coffee and a banana on this occasion the banana had been forgotten I was torn should I tell them or just have the coffee and go without. This caused me to get agitated as I or at least the anorexia thought great you can get away with less but the part of me that desperately wants to see a true weight Monday needed to have it. Anyway bank nurse realising I'm not happy enquired what was wrong I replied stag should learn to read the snack list, she asked if something was missing to which all I could reply was well they should read what you have put, "don't worry bab there probably bringing your snack it doesn't matter" seriously getting wound up at this point situation calmed by entrance of staff nurse who instantly realised I needed a banana and advised he would get one, what came next really did amaze me at how stupid someone can be what I got was "ooh do you like bananas I do" I told her "you can have it if you want" and here comes my shock "ok" on asking if she was joking she told me "well I'll just have half with you" I said are you joking and she replied "I'll only have half" well I have to say I flipped as she started laughing when I said "are you for real are you taking the piss out of me" she continued to laugh until the nurse came in and I told her to get her away from me before I hit her. As if that was not bad enough later the same afternoon I heard a noise and low and behold it was the same nurse fast asleep and snoring on the chair out side my room while I was supposedly meant to be observed. Really helpful to do this not long after snacks when I am trying to fight the urge to vomit.

This is not the first time bank staff have fallen asleep, the first day of my admission and my first evening meal was pizza with a tun of cheese the nurse sat right next to me fell fast asleep, needless to say the cheese was removed from the pizza and disposed of in a tissue. Then the same evening while I lay awake for the entire night the bank nurse on my observation was fast asleep outside my room snoring more in the end I had to shout for him to shut up which did at least wake him I also had to wake him later that night so I could go to the toilet. Frustrating and unacceptable in my opinion.

Anyway I feel I have gone on a bit today and it may not be as coherent as usual I think it's because I am feeling really stressed and anxious, really not wanting to eat because at least if I don't eat I won't feel the need to be sick.

Thursday, 25 October 2012


I can't believe how I can be filled with such an intense anger and rage to the point I feel I am going to explode if I don't let it out. I feel like I need to scream, shout, break things, punch people and generally have some sort of outrageous outburst to release the internal feeling. The problem is because reacting like this is not acceptable I have to find another way to relieve it. This is where the problem lies the only way I know is to make myself sick as this leaves me feeling empty not just physically but also emotionally.

Yesterday was one of the days when rage was so bad I wanted to rip my own skin off because I didn't know what else to do. I was so full of hate and disgust for myself and how I looked and felt, feeling hideous, chunky and gross. However as the day went on the rage increased but I think I know why, yesterday I admitted to my named nurse that there had been several occasions while in here that I had made myself sick, not hugely but enough to feel like I had let everyone down including myself. If I can't beat this in here on one to one observations I don't stand a chance in the real world.

It was incredibly difficult to admit this as it went against what my eating disorder wanted me to do, it wants me to continue doing it and deceiving everyone but the truth is I am only deceiving myself. This caused so much internal conflict, anger and frustration this is what caused the rage to increase.
I needed to tell Ben even though I thought he would be so angry and disappointed,which after all he should be as he fought to get me in here to get better and I haven't even tried.
He was angry and disappointed but not with me with the staff in that I had been allowed the opportunity to do it. Rather than him feeling like I had let him down he felt the staff had and had especially let me down. I don't feel like this because I know how this illness can make you get away with things right under people's noses. I'm not proud of this fact but it is still true.

I wish everyone could be like Ben in his ability to deal with feelings and emotions sadly this is not the case and following a difficult visit with my parents last night I have been left feeling unable to tell them how I am feeling as they seem to believe that what I am saying is to hurt them, which of course is not the case. I can see that a lot of what I say is incredibly hard for them to hear, especially days when I say i wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. However I keep being told that I have to be honest and say how I feel, it has become clear following last nights visit that I can't do this with them as I can't deal with their reactions making me feel like I need to apologise and yet again I have disappointed them. I have managed to speak to my mom about this today as she is slightly better at dealing with things and encourages me to be honest but as I said to her you and dad come as a package and therefore in future don't ask how I am and then I will not feel the need to lie or worse still tell you the truth and be unable to deal with the reactions.

Anyway this leads me on to this morning and weigh day you may gather from my less ranty start to my blog that I lost a small amount of weight and I know it's wrong but I am so pleased. I just hope that this is the start of my weight plateauing and finally I will see it settle down so when I have a diet increase at least I will know why it's increasing, rather than at the moment when after only one small increase it has continued going up in large amounts for over six weeks. My relief was short lived as I knew the dietician would come and try to increase my diet but I had already decided I would not accept one as I want to see what happens Monday to see if it really is settling. My other reason is that I'm terrified that the vomiting will have affected it and so now the staff know I'm hoping i will be able to tell them when the urge to vomit is there and so not do it between now and Monday to see what my weight will do and if it is affected. The dietician did come but has agreed for me to wait till Monday, I asked if she thought the vomiting would have made a difference and she said no, however I am still terrified that it will have done and that my weight will jump up again on Monday. Oh and here comes the rage again!!

The only positive thing that has come from loosing weight is that prior to being weighed I checked my body to see what I thought, it still looked Far too big and my stomach still looked rounded and repulsed me and it didn't change once I knew my weight had gone down so clearly how I see myself is not always directly related to weight gain or loss otherwise I would think I looked smaller when I no i have lost weight. Not sure that makes much sense but I know what I mean.

As for Monday all I can do is wait and do my best not to vomit between now and then to get proof for myself and whatever the outcome will have to find a way of dealing with Monday when it arrives.

Wednesday, 24 October 2012


Not feeling too great today woke up with a sickly headache and feeling quite tender from yesterday. I fainted and landed on a very hard floor banging my head, shoulder, and hip of course this caused a state of panic when in actual fact I think it was just a simple case of getting up too quickly having been lying down but now I am dreading them putting me back on full bed rest following ward round today. To say I will not be happy is an understatement.

Apart from that yesterday was broken up by going to a nutrition group in the morning and having my session with the psychologist in the afternoon. The nutrition group was really interesting, we looked at the Minnesota experiment and although I had looked at it before it is amazing how it mirrors eating disorders so much so that it is difficult to know if what your experiencing is because of starvation or because of anorexia. For those who don't know about it have a look at it and I'm sure you will see the similarities with many things I have mentioned in previous blogs.

One of the things it mentions is irritability and inflexibility and how this can cause panic, anxiety, fear and anger. I experienced a prime example of this yesterday, the final evening snack is at 9.45pm unfortunately last night we only had one member of regular staff on and two bank staff god only knows what happened but I didn't get my snack till just after 10pm, seriously how hard is it to make a milky coffee and bring it to my room with a banana! Five minutes is fine but when you have prepared yourself for it the longer the wait and the more stressed you become so by 10pm I was in a state of sheer panic, crying declaring how unfair it was that everyone else's was on time except mine and then came the anger. The anger caused the fight or flight reaction and so I stomped out of my room to go to the kitchen to see why the morons were having so much difficulty in completing a simple task I could have done myself five times over. Didn't really work out as I was stopped by the nurse and escorted back to my bed. I can smile about it now but last night it was the end of the world.

It caused me to think of just how often this has happened in the past and how frustrating it must be to those around you. When in the grasps of an eating disorder spontaneity is a word well and truly missing from your vocabulary. Often Ben would say shall we go here or there and it would be almost impossible for me to say yes straight away without first planning what time we would go, how long we would be there, what we would do about food, and importantly would we be back so my evening ritualistic routine would not be disrupted. It was exhausting for me but it must of been far more frustrating for Ben. I guess it's just yet another example of life having to revolve around food. I think in the end Ben learnt not even to try to suggest anything that would involve any kind of spontaneity on my part. Talk about leading a dull and limiting life or in my case existence.

On times when I did go out with Ben or family my anxiety would be projected on to them and they would start to panic about where we would find somewhere that would serve something I could cope with and several trips out have been spoilt by spending time just trying to find somewhere causing stress and upset which meant yet again what should have been an enjoyable day out away from the norm once again revolved around food. It also made me feel like I was a failure for ruining the day and had yet again disappointed them and let them down.

I am fearful that this won't change and that I will never feel the ability to be spontaneous or flexible which prior to my illness I was. Fingers crossed though as I start to come out of starvation I may feel differently, not just for my sake but for those around me also.

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

I'm sorry

Managed to get in the shower today although refreshing I have to admit to sobbing while looking at the state my body is in, truly hideous. Struggled through breakfast unable to turn my head off from picturing the image of myself, water running off my rounded stomach and dripping on to my chunky thighs which were squeezed together in disgusting rolls of flab.

This in turn has caused me to think back to being at home and how I managed to cope with things. Truth is I suppose I wasn't really coping at all it was just an illusion created by the eating disorder because I was doing what it wanted me to do and therefore all the negative anorexic thoughts weren't there because they didn't really need to be, or at least not in the same way. I obviously had them otherwise why would I have continued to feel the need to vomit after food in order to stay thin? The difference was while I continued to do this I didn't challenge my behaviour and so the thoughts and feelings remained at a manageable level.

I can see now looking back that as weight began to fall the eating disorder became stronger and stronger and began to con me in to thinking I was not influencing my weight dropping at all and it was a mystery as to why i was getting thinner. Obviously didn't have anything to do with restricting more and even vomiting after drinking!!

I can't imagine how hard it has been for people to watch the seemingly quick decline from relatively coping to not coping and becoming desperately thin.

While I am very much stuck and still not wanting to recover I stay here not only because if I try to leave they will section me but for the sake of Ben and my family. While I know this is hard for my parents and sister they do at least have an idea of this process and just how bad it is and gets. what with the yelling, crying and ultimate blaming of them for me being in hospital they have experienced this first hand on previous admissions. Poor Ben however was lucky enough to have missed this stage getting together when almost at my target weight and so at least, if only for a short while, had me relatively stable, rational and with the ability to cope.

I can't imagine what living with me has been like for him over the last few years but specifically the last few months. How do you cope when you are fully aware that your wife is doing something that you fear could ultimately kill her and all the time have to stand by and watch it go on unable to change the behaviour that is clearly so ingrained. In answer you become numb to it and that's the only way. It's not that you accept the behaviour but by becoming numb enables you to cope when you feel helpless to influence positive change, or at least this is what I think happens.

Each and every day I fully expect to find that he has gone, finally given up on me and found someone worthy of his love. It's true to say that I have many times told him to do this as I am not worthy of his love and support and believe he deserves someone who can appreciate him and that he can have a proper fulfilling life with.

I can't begin to explain how hard it was when he told me that for a long time he had felt he wasn't important and was always second best to food. This broke my heart as he really is the most important person in my life but I couldn't deny that food had become just as important and that my every waking moment was focused on eating, routine, and all things food related. which didn't leave much time for anything else other than work.

I had a breakfast routine which I became irritable and angry if changed or interrupted. Routine continued at work I allowed myself 12 sweets but they could not be eaten till after 11am and then lunch would be 3pm, the reason being by the time I had eaten there would be not much time till I could go home and eat again as once I had eaten I became ravenous and would feel the need to continue to eat. The only time this would change would be for appointments and then this would be ok as I couldn't just sit in the office thinking about food.
The real food focus started when I finished work, often going to supermarkets to buy food even though i had most of the stuff needed for the evening meal from the weekly shop. I would buy reduced items, meat, crisps and sweets. Once home the first thing I would do would be to start dinner preparation, sometimes even before saying hi to Ben and enquiring of his day, it wasn't that I didn't care but more the uncontrollable urge to start eating and preparing food. Once prepared I would then pick at food, crisps mainly oh and anchovy stuffed olives until dinner, vomiting these before starting the process of eating our main meal. I would indulge in huge portions of dinner far bigger than Ben could manage and then pick at his left overs and the inevitable remains in the kitchen as I always cooked far too much for two. Again I would then vomit to get rid of this food but it didn't stop there. Once shut in the kitchen away from Ben I would continue to pick at a variety of food, bread, tins of soup, pot noodles, pasta while washing up. I would then retire to the bathroom where I would vomit and then more often than not eat something in there which I had prepared earlier more often than not some kind of sandwich. I would then vomit continuously until I felt like all food had been removed and my stomach resembled its normal concave appearance.

You may think well thank god it's all over for the day but unfortunately not. I would get changed in to pjs and start again firstly with an alcoholic drink, Smirnoff ice, then I would start with sweets and chocolate or biscuits or both in excessive amounts this would then be vomited. I would then have another drink and start on savoury items crisps and nuts usually, again in excess, vomiting these soon after. This process spanned the entire evening seven days a week when Ben was there he would have to watch on and just accept that was what I did but I can see that it left no quality time for us as a couple. Not that I wanted any real physical closeness as I didn't want him to feel my disgusting body how can you be loved if you have so much hate for yourself.

However I am loved by him although I have no idea why I have and continue to put him through hell heartache, fear and misery and yet still he stands by me. I am terrified that I might not be able to beat this and there will come a point I will have broken him and he will no longer be able to cope and I will loose him for good. This is why I am struggling so much with my constant desire not to get well and put on weight I only wish I had answers to why this seemingly is more important than the person I love the most in the world.

To him and of course my family I am eternally sorry

Monday, 22 October 2012

Weigh day

Yuck! That about sums up how I feel today. Got woken up at 6.00am, well I say woken but as has become the norm I hadn't actually slept, so made to get up at 6am to be weighed. Having spent every day since Thursday dreading another large jump as it has been doing every week for 6 weeks now I was praying for it to have stayed the same, no such luck. Surprise surprise it's still going up.

I honestly feel like its never going to stop, I feel like no one is in control and it will continue going up and up.
Spoke to staff who have assured me it will stop and plateau but until I see it I just don't believe it.

I couldn't face having a shower because I couldn't stand to see my body! I am horrified every time I see it and find it traumatic to see how hideous and disgusting it looks. I hate how it looks and feels getting bigger and bigger. To be honest I don't even have to look merely just sitting I can feel the extra fat layer and it makes me want to rip my skin off and remove it!!

Prior to admission I remember looking in the mirror and thinking god Bec you look awful, way to thin, boney and that my face was starting to look gaunt. I would still panic if I didn't have a gap on my stomach where my underwear fitted over my hip bones though. I came in to hospital so positive and focused on recovery and so now find it hard to think that I don't really want to recover as I can't imagine not being ill and therefore bigger.

I'm not sure what has changed but I now look in the mirror and can no longer see my bones and I don't think there is any part of me that looks remotely thin or indeed ill, to me my thighs look chunky, my hips look podgy and as for my stomach don't even get me started, fat fat fat!!
Each and every nurse and all family and friends continue to tell me that I am painfully thin and look no different to when I came in and that what I see is not real. In my more rational moments I know that they must be right and that I can't be as big as I think if I look at what my weight is, what I struggle to comprehend however is I don't see anyone else with a distorted view, so I can see if someone is over weight or under weight and if they are just 'normal'. If I can look at them correctly it just feeds the thought that I must be seeing myself correctly and really am getting bigger and bigger and at a ridiculous rate.I don't think it's possible to see a reflection of your self in any other way than how you really look.

In truth though any rate of weight gain in my current mind set will be too much even if I put on 0.1kg it would still be the end of the world as I just can't stand the thought of changing and what that will mean.
I would love to just stop, go back and continue as I was because at least when I was at home eating what ever I wanted and throwing up I didn't have to worry about anorexic thoughts and feelings. I wish my weight had kept dropping to see how low it could have gone and I want to leave and loose what I have gained because I hate myself and in all honesty wouldn't truly care if I did drop dead. I'm sorry to those close to me who find this incredibly hard to hear but I can no longer continue to lie about how I feel to protect you from the devastating and dangerous thoughts and feelings this illness induces. However you can rest easy in the knowledge that for the time being I have no choice in being here and continuing to gain the weight, I just hope that as it goes on my thoughts will change and somewhere a light will be switched on in my head and I will once again want to get better and be able to cope with gaining weight and maybe even start to like who I am.

Sunday, 21 October 2012


If you cast your mind back about 15 years you may recall a set of twins that were suffering with anorexia. They were one of the first publicly shown images of highlighting a widely misunderstood illness and discussing it openly for the first time. I remember vividly the day I saw them in the paper and as I looked at the emaciated images, bones protruding and eyes sunk deep in to their skulls thinking to myself how the hell can they think they're fat when they look like they are about to die someone should tell them to stop being stupid and just eat. Well that came back to bite me on the bum!!

Eating disorders although far more widely discussed still have a negative stigma attached to them and for many people it is still a case of tell them there not fat and to just eat, I wish it was that simple.

You may find it hard to believe that I absolutely love food, the smell, the taste, the texture so I don't really get why I can't eat. Prior to admission and for the past 11 years I have been what I have come to learn is a bulmarexic . I was relieved to hear there was a name for my behaviour although I would normally despise labelling of people. On this occasion however it was a relief to know that I was not the complete freak I thought I was and that others had the same behaviours as me.

When I first developed anorexia it was after a severe case of gastric flu which had caused me to loose a fair amount of weight, I remember returning to college where I was studying performing arts and class mates telling me how good I looked (prior to this I had felt like I was perhaps too big for my height but not enough to actually do anything about it) I looked at myself in the dance studio mirror and thought yes I do look good and I was pleased with the figure I now had, almost what feels like over night I remember once again looking at my reflection in the studio mirror and thinking I could do with loosing more weight. From this point I practically cut out all food and unfortunately all drink and began to excessive excessively.

Due to late rehearsals at college I was able to inform my mom that I had already eaten and so would be able to get away with eating nothing. Each day I would jump on the scales and see my weight drop but each time it fell I would think well if I just get to 6 stone that will be enough, however it's never enough.

I remember very clearly one day I had to eat at home and mom had made cheese and potato pie I was working in my room on a college assignment and so decided to eat at my desk, I remember picking at the food and having eaten some made myself sick in to a pot which I hid behind my curtain to dispose of later that night when everyone was in bed, unfortunately this was discovered by my mom who snapped what the hells wrong with you do you want to be anorexic? I bet this has come back to bite her on the bum as well (just in case your reading mom don't worry this isn't the reason for the eating disorder I had already got it) from this point I didn't hide my not eating I openly just refused to eat or drink despite encouragement to do so. On the rare occasion I allowed myself to eat it would be boiled cabbage served in a small bowl which I would eat with tomato sauce or soy sauce and most of the time would eat with chopsticks, don't ask me why as I have no idea, feel free to also be amused by this behaviour, I am. Drinking was also a no no apart from 1 cup of coffee with no calorie sugar which had to be drunk at a specific time on an evening and only in the company of my mon, if this routine was interrupted it was like the end of the world had happened and I would not then be able to drink at all. Each night would also have the same routine I would go to bed and take a bassets chewy multi vitamin and a remagel for heart burn which I had much of the time and then try to sleep. Of course I could never sleep and would lie awake all night listening to audio books on headphones, I have since been told the reason I couldn't sleep was because I hadn't taken in enough calories, not sure how true this is.

Within 3 months my weight had dropped severely and I was struggling to think straight I watched my mom eat a mars bar one night and so desperately wanted some of course she offered but all I could do was smell it and give it her back. It was not long after this that I was in the supermarket with mom and broke down in tears telling Her i wanted to be normal and able to eat. I imagine this was such a relief to her that I had finally admitted there was something wrong and before I new it I was at the doctors discussing inpatient care.

After only 3 months since I started to loose weight I was admitted to the specialist unit where my parents were informed I only had about 3 weeks to live. This didn't register with me at all and so I continued to fight against treatment. I stayed there for 3 months after which I discharged myself as I foolishly believed I was cured. The after math must have been exhausting for my parents who tried to stick to the hospital routine, breakfast would be brought to me in bed and meals were weighed and measured to exact portions. I coped for a while but as the weight continued to increase the harder it became, I began to say that I was feeling sick when eating breakfast and then when they brought me a bowl I would be sick then eat some more of the breakfast so it looked like I was really trying. I then began to make myself sick after most meals, the next bit of my story is quite gross and I am embarrassed to reveal it but as I said I would always tell the truth no matter how hard. In order to hide the fact I was chucking up all the food I ate I began to use a large pot which I had in my room to vomit in to I would then hide this in either the wardrobe or a drawer in my bedside table which I had emptied for this purpose, as the vomiting progressed I found the need to use at least 3 pots again placed away from sight in various places in my room which I would then empty in to the toilet at times no one was in or after they had gone to bed.
It was not too long before I was dragged to the doctors about my being sick at breakfast because I had managed to convince them I was actually not well this backfired some what when the doctor admitted me to the general hospital. They informed me at the hospital that they thought I might have a hernia and would need to put a camera down, panic set in there was no way this was happening or that I was stopping in hospital I cried and cried eventually telling my parents that I thought it might me anxiety that was causing the sickness, I think it all clicked in to place for them at this point and I discharged myself and they took me over to the specialist unit to speak to the nurses for some support. Next thing I new I was back in the unit on bed rest not even allowed to go to the bathroom without using a wheel chair.

I remained in inpatient care for about 10 months progressing on to day care where I was doing well and slowly starting normal activity swimming going to the gym etc... Unfortunately it was all to go wrong when I decided enough was enough I had missed out on too much of life and so went to audition for a musical theatre course with Lancaster uni based at the college in Blackpool, I auditioned on the Friday and got accepted to start on the Monday, I rang my parents who were on holiday abroad to inform them when they came back I would not be at home and instead living in Blackpool (ruined that holiday, sorry) with no where to live and no student loan Ben drove me on the sunday where I booked in to a b&b and started the course the next day I then moved in to a house with some girls from my course on the Tuesday. I didn't tell anyone about the eating problems I had had and so they cooked meals for us all I didn't want them to know I had a problem and so I ate what was given but could not cope and so instantly resorted to making myself sick again. Needless to say this was the beginning of the end as once I started on this path I could not get off and it was not long with this and dancing for 6 hours a week that the weight fell off and I ended up having to give up my dream course and return home.

To cut what has I know been along story short (if your still reading many thanks for sticking with it) my life just kind of existed from then on there were many good times and some not so good. I managed to get up to around 35kg and maintained at this weight for several years unfortunately still continuing with restricting and vomiting. I did all the things I thought I would never do I fell in love with a wonderful and supportive man, learnt to drive, got a responsible full time job and even brought a house. Then about three years ago I started to go downhill, Ben and I were experiencing financial problems which were causing much stress and the weight began to drop without me really trying, then 2 years ago I lost the most wonderful woman and my best friend my nan, I was and still am devastated at the loss and struggled to cope.
Fast forward to a few months ago and I had food poisoning which caused me to have the squirts like you would not believe however after this it caused me to be constipated and this in turn caused me to to become bloated which I of course equated to being too big. The weight fell off and my legs swelled violently causing me to be in severe pain when walking. The doctors thought this was due to a thyroid problem and started me on medication which did nothing, they then said it was due to low protein levels. The bottom of my legs then went down and I developed severe swelling in my knees and thighs which made bending my legs impossible and so I ended up walking like a pregnant penguin. It all started to go down hill health wise quickly and I became so depressed that I actually wanted to die. At the end if was taking me about five minutes to climb the stairs which of course was due to my legs (in my head) and nothing to do with my heart wasting away. I didn't see it at the time and kept telling myself the weight was coming off without me trying but looking back I can see that I had cut out all the little extras I used to have like sweets at work and fruit and had even started making myself sick after drinks.

It was the night I sobbed and told Ben I wanted to die that he spent the entire night watching me believing that I would be dead and he would have to burry me. That was it for Ben and because we were getting no where with the doctors he drove to the specialist unfit and refused to leave until he had seen the consultant. Anyway the rest I think I have already told you and it takes me to now where I still am and still stuck for much of the time on bed rest.

It was my intention to really explain what bulmarexia was but guess I got some what side tracked on how it all started. Sorry that this blog has been so long but I guess it's helpful for me to look at the whole illness and see how it has progressed and changed and how I have done the same. Either that or I have just had a writing purge (pardon the pun)anyway if your reading this many thanks for sticking with it to the end and I will try to make tomorrows a little shorter. Xx

Saturday, 20 October 2012


Watched stand up for cancer yesterday and have to say I felt utterly disgusted with myself. Cancer is thrust upon People causing pain and suffering not only to the individual but to the family and friends who have to watch on unable to help or relieve the pain and suffering of their loved ones. These people do not choose to be ill and will accept any and all treatment they are offered grasping it with open arms in the hope of recovery. Here in lies the reason for my disgust at myself. Unlike these people I chose to have an eating disorder! (I am told that this is not the case and it is an illness, I find this hard to believe as after all I starved myself) This illness also affects those close to you in the same way as any other illness would, invoking feelings of helplessness the main difference is that I don't want to accept the treatment and ultimately therefore don't want to get better!!

It's all to do with what better means, to 'normal' people better is being healthy, able to cope and enjoy life, to me and others with an eating disorder better means failure, greed, laziness and being too big!
Welcome to the twisted world of the eating disorder brain!

While I have a million reasons to get better (more quality time with Ben, friends and family, ability to be spontaneous, finding out new likes and interests to name but a few) something stronger wants to keep me ill. The reasons to recover don't appear to be enough and I find myself wishing to stay ill despite being in hospital to undergo recovery. It's very hard to admit to those you love that although I'm here and getting help and putting on weight I don't feel like I'm ready to be well. I imagine it's all to do with the dreaded unknown again, what if I get well and I don't have people to help me anymore, what if I don't like the 'real' me, what if I find I don't actually have any interests, what if people don't like me. These thoughts fill most of my waking day and along with the screaming of the eating disorder continue to convince me that recovery is a bad idea becoming all consuming and exhausting. Once stuck in the mind set its incredibly hard to change your thinking.

I imagine it is impossible for people to understand why you would want to stay ill after all I have no idea myself. Truth is at this moment in time I have no clue as to what the eating disorder gives me that keeps me in its grasps. I can say for certain that I have come to realise that I am still well and truly in its filthy clutches. While I want to be well I am too fearful as to what that means and right now all I can see is getting bigger and bigger. In rational moments I know that eating disorders are not really about weight or food or even your size it's just the manifestation of what ever it is that your eating disorder is masking.

I hope that each weigh day my weight will have dropped and that I will once again see the concave stomach that I have grown so accustomed to because this means safety and let's face it after 12 years this is all I know.

I am just holding on to the hope that as time goes on and as my weight increases that my ability to challenge my thoughts and feeling may become possible and I will begin to embrace the thought of getting well. Along with the help of the psychologist who I am seeing each week I hope to piece together the jigsaw and discover what it is that not only caused this problem but how I then learn from this knowledge and move on and leave this crap behind

Friday, 19 October 2012

The dining room!

For five and a half weeks every Wednesday in ward round (this is when the doctor, nurseing staff, dietician, occupational therapist, and psychologist all meet to discuss your care plan, progress, and any requests or comments you have) I have been asking to be taken off bed rest finding more and more reasons each week why it would be far more beneficial for me not to be stuck looking at the same four walls, being isolated from others and generally having no free space away from the anxiety of food, despite my reasoned points each week I have been told no not till you reach a bmi of 12.5. What they failed to listen to was that in order to get to this I would be required to put on a stone in weight and in order to do so there was no way I was stopping on a bed to get that big.

So Wednesday came around this week and the doctor and nurse came in to give me feedback from ward round to my utter shock and delight finally they had listened to my plees and agreed to allow me to go to the dining room for breakfast, lunch and dinner and to do my hours sitting time in the lounge. Remaining on bed rest for snacks and at all other times. However my delight soon turned to a state of sheer terror and panic firstly thinking if not on full bed rest i must now be well and no longer in danger ( i wish i could explain why i thrive on the thought that im seriously ill even thoughi dont actually believe it i get a stange elation at people thinking i could die, twisted i know but hey thats anorexia for you)what if I sit in someone's seat in the dining room or lounge, how can I face the other patients when they will be looking at me and thinking my god she is massive why the hell have they kept her on bed rest or even why is she here. Heart pounding and with tears in my eyes the staff allowed me to go and look in the lounge and dining room and explained the process in the dining room, I wish I could say this allayed my terror but it didn't.
I spent much of the night awake fearing not only the dreaded weigh day but also the prospect of the dining room. All to soon the morning came and I was horrified at once again the large weight  increase, so much so I couldn't have a shower because I couldn't bare to see my body in all it's     hideousness.

8.15am arrived and I slowly made my way to the dining room having firstly put my book on a chair      in the lounge praying it wasn't someone else's seat. It felt very strange walking for the first time in      over five weeks or at least without someone manhandling me back to bed following one of my escape  attempts! Once in the dining room I sat at a table and didn't look up breakfast was served and as I     slowly ate heart pounding I realised part of my fear was I didn't want to adopt others habits or     become influenced by their behaviour.    

Eating disorders are bizarre they cause you to become very ritualistic with the way you eat food only             able to eat in a certain way eg always eating crusts on sandwiches or toast first - I am guilty of this     
but to be honest this is something I have always done as I'm not keen on the dryness of them- you      can't get staff to believe this as they just believe its due to the anorexia. They are also very    competitive and quickly you can become sucked in to the mind set if I eat quickly I am not ill so I     need to eat as slowly so I can to prove that I'm not ok with food, luckily they have now set a 30    minute time limit and if not completed in this time you are offered a supplement to replace food not     eaten, no way will I be having this I could have stopped at home and drunk supplements I don't see    how this helps people to challenge their fear of food. On my last admission there was no time limit and you would just sit there till you had cleared your plate,you wouldn't think it possible to make one    slice of beans on toast last for two hours but I could it's amazing how many pieces you can cut a   baked bean in to (6 for those who a curious!). Every patient has their own rituals and behavious each   struggling with something, what one person is ok with another may be terrified however you can   easily take on their fears and before you know it something you were ok with is now terrifying.          

So this has become my biggest fear of the dining room, apart from that of the food obviously, I    noticed that a patient was refusing to use all of the milk provided for her cereal instantly prompting    me to feel like a failure for dutifully pouring all of the milk on to my own, closely followed by her    refusal to use all the butter on the toast which again I had been complying with. Instantly I had    become crap at my eating disorder and clealy had failed I could eat using all the milk and butter and    therefore not only was I greedy and fat but clearly had no need to be stuck on a unit for Ill people    when I am fine. I wish I could say that lunch and dinner were any easier but each brought about very         
 similar feelings and following my hour sitting time I have to admit I was relieved to return to the    sanctuary of my room back to the familiar and safety which for five weeks I have fought to get away   from! 

While I am still very much stuck in the grasps of this illness I think it will be best to keep my head down in the dining room focus on the food and nothing else and to try to block others out, I'll let you know how I get on.

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Today's trauma!

Firstly let me just say no f*****g way, you have got to be kidding, I'm not doing this, this is ridiculous!! And breathe! ok so now that's out I will perhaps explain the reason for such an outburst. I know this is my second post of the day but the terror I'm feeling right now I feel I need to share.

Monday's and Thursday's are weigh days and so fairly traumatic whatever the outcome you really can't win, if you put on weight you are too fat, disgusting, lazy, the biggest person here and should be sent home straight away for wasting the nurses time. On the flip side if you don't put on or loose you are (or at least I am) filled with a great sense of relief and joy the elation is I imagine like winning the lottery however the after feeling is what I imagine it would be like to win the lottery and then realise you have left the ticket in your trouser pocked and then washed the trousers! Reason being you loose and you know the dietician will be visiting you to give you a wonderful diet increase.

So back to today and as you may guess I put on weight, but that's the pont i hear you say, well yes it is my issue is that I have been here for over 5weeks now and in all that time have been on the introductory portion for meals, drinks for morning and 8.15pm snack and drink and snack at 9.45pm snack, the only increase I have been given was the introduction of a snack with my drink for 3.15pm snack, now I appreciate that this is a fair amount more than I was keeping prior to admission but still my weight has been jumping up in large increases for every weigh day since then. Surely by now it should have settled down? I have no real basis for why I think you can do 12 years of damage to your body and then expect it to be ok after 5 weeks but that's just how I feel.
I am now at the point where I feel no ones in control and that my weights going to continue to go up and up and despite the dietician and nurses advise that it will plateau I can't see it which is filling me with fear like I have never felt before. I wish I could believe them when they say I look the same as  when i came in however I have already put on over half a stone and am not willing to believe this is    not visible as I can see the changes so vividly and drastically.                                                                      
It has been explained to me that this kind of weight gain is common as my bmi was so low, in fact   they keep reminding me that I am the  lowest bmi they have had and I should normally have been on a general medical ward. While I hear  this and the information about how I could have dropped dead  at any time and that I'm still terribly ill I'm afraid this doesn't register to me as I felt fine before I  came in and feel physically fine now all I can see if weight running away before I can cope with it.     

So in a moment of clarity I know that the reason for these feelings is because I am so I'll and that is something I  am finding very hard to deal with. I feel so alone with the way my weight is increasing.      and only wish I knew if it had happened to others at very low bmi's and how long it lasted. The   biggest fear of all I guess is the unknown. 

Anyway thanks for allowing me to have that bit of stress relief I haven't even started on today's other terror which was been partially off bed rest and allowed in to the dining room for the first time, as I  still have to face that again today and my heart is racing a the mere thought of it I will perhaps feel    stronger to talk about this tomorrow.

So this is recovery

So five weeks on the road to recovery what have I learnt so far... The first thing has to be that it is possible to go through a million different emotions in the shortest space of time. I have felt angry, calm, petrified, confused, frustrated, selfish, rage, sadness, fear, annoyance, all within a few minute time span. I'm sure these are common feelings for anyone facing any kind of challenge and I have to say so far this is the hardest one I have had to face.
It's at this point I should mention that although this is crap for me it's not a picnic for those close to me either and it is deffinately fair to say if it wasn't for them I would not be here now.
At this moment in time I thank them dearly for caring enough to be strong in not taking notice of my "I'm fine" attitude and going through hell to get me in here. I feel it important to say this now as there will be many moments when I will hold this against them and blame them entirely for being in this hell hole! Sorry for this in advance.
For my wonderful friends, you know who you are, thank you for your unconditional love and support and also a massive thanks to all those who have taken the time to offer support and kind words via my Facebook post.

So what else have I learnt..... They love cheese here and I swear they would put it on breakfast if they could, infact my first meal here was pizza with a pound of cheese on - this hopefully now explains the blog name- it has become a standing joke that every time I have cheese it's at least a pound. You may tell from this that cheese is a massive fear food despite my love of it. I have many other fear foods which I'm sure will become evident as my blog goes on.

Anyway I have rambled on for quite a while now but before i go I will share with you the biggest thing i have learnt so far. I have realised I am very much stuck in the grasps of this illness despite my initial belief that there was nothing wrong with me this may sound an odd thing to have learnt but may be the most important. I intend to share with you the everyday reality of this illness and the pros and cons of recovery. I hope to help people to have a better understanding and hopefully give and  gain support from those in the same situation or those who have gone through the recovery process. I  make no apologies if at times I am not positive and the truth is hard for people to hear but I'm afraid  that's just how it's going to be. I don't intend to dress this illness up in pretty paper but instead strip it  bare and reveal the harsh and difficult reality of living with an eating disorder.

Wednesday, 17 October 2012


Good morning and welcome one and all to my blog. This is the first time I have ever done this so forgive me if I am a little unsure what to say. First things first I should fill you in a bit about me and what my journey is about. I am 31 and have been suffering with anorexia / bulimarexia for the last 12 years. 5 weeks ago I was admitted to a specialist unit about 45 minutes from home having spent 10 years out from my last admission. Much has changed in my life since that last admission I fell in love with a wonderful man who three years ago I married. I now hold down a full time job as a manager for an estate agents and am a home owner. However for the entire time I have been vomiting much of the food I have eaten except for a small lunch of soup or a sandwich. For many years I managed to maintain my weight although at a relatively low weight and continued to enjoy life, however the last few years for reasons still not 100% clear, although financial stress and the devastating death of my nan I imagine contributed, my weight gradually began to fall without any real attempt to get it to. Quite quickly the last few months I got increasingly more and more unwell, although I should point out that apart from severely swollen legs I felt completely fine and continued to go to work. I had been asking my doctor for help for several months but had been unable to access any, in the end my husband, Ben, got so concerned and scared that I may drop dead he drove to the specialist unit and refused to leave until he had seen the consultant.

While out celebrating our third anniversary he convinced me to go to see the consultant the next day, I arranged it with work and went the following afternoon I knew at this point there was no turning back and that once they weighed me, something I had not allowed the doctors to do, they would take me in! I was correct and the consultant said he wanted me in the next day, after much crying and begging I agreed that I would go in on the Monday having had chance to speak to work and go out for our anniversary meal ( the irony is not lost on me!) so Ben and I spent the weekend sorting out work, who I have to say were wonderfully supportive, we enjoyed our meal out or in my head the last supper and went crazy golfing on the Sunday.
All too quickly Monday came around and armed with my suitcase, tv, newly purchased iPad (thanks to Ben) and a tun of other stuff we set off to the hospital where we met my mom and dad. They did an assessment and I was put on bed rest which takes me up till now really as five weeks on thats still where I am!

There are many issues that have cropped up in the past five weeks which I intend to share in a hope to help other people who may be in the same situation and to here from others who may be able to share their experiences and give support. However as I have already waffled on for some time I will leave this for another day.

Many thanks for reading and I hope you will return for more. XX