Friday, 28 December 2012

Back to normal

So that was Christmas and what a wonderful day it was I am so proud of myself that I made it through the day and didn't vomit once. I wish I could say it had all gone without any stress and tears but I can't as there were several.

Dinner was at mom and dads and although we had worked it out with the dietician I still really struggled to accept that what was in front of me wasn't more than I should have been having as it looked really big on my plate and convinced me it was more than I would be I having if I was on the unit. It didn't detract however that it tasted amazing and made me realise that my taste is starting to really improve. I didn't freak out that times of meals were vastly different and was flexible to have pudding instead of an afternoon snack as we didn't have dinner till 3pm when my sister came home from work. Tea didn't happen till around 9pm and although this was also stressful it was progress as before I would never even consider eating a meal at this time.

I managed several glasses of light wine and two glasses of sherry, I only managed a few sips of the vat of sherry produced by my father in law at their house on Christmas morning though!!

The best part of the day was getting to sleep in my own bed and to curl up to Ben and then wake up the next morning next to him. I didn't even get annoyed when George (the cat) woke me up in the night by sitting on my head!! Curling was exceptionally nice as prior to my admission I couldn't do this due to the severe swelling of my legs.

Boxing day was good, Ben and I had breakfast together and I really tried to not get stressed when he was in the kitchen at the same time as me and even allowed him to put my toast in for me, something I would not even consider before. I did panic that I had way too much milk on my weetabix but still managed not to vomit. After a coffee at mom and dads we went to hobby craft and then home for lunch. I decided to have chunky steak and potato soup and found it really filling and did panic that I was having too much and that I would get more calories from it as it was liquid not solid and it would therefore not burn as many digesting it, but after a bowl of fresh fruit we went it to town to have a mooch in the sales. Still managing not to vomit and even sitting with Ben to eat and was able to discuss how I was feeling about the food and why I was so scared.

On the way home for lunch I asked Ben how he had found dinner the previous day and breakfast and was upset that he thought the relationship was still quite one sided and that it still revolved around food especially as I had really tried to take on board the things from prior to my admission that he had told me bothered him and to not do them even letting him sit with me for lunch and had really tried to be more normal and more flexible.

In town Ben brought me a jumper, hat and I even got a dress. The dress is slightly big at the moment but maybe in time I will fill out and it will be ok. We stopped for a coffee and snack in Starbucks and even though I had checked calories and worked out what to have in advance I was shocked that by the time I got to ordering it I was physically shaking like a leaf, I couldn't get my words out when trying to order and then couldn't get my money out of my purse because my hands were shaking so much, the poor guy must of thought I was a complete freak!!
Ben wondered what the hell was wrong but I couldn't explain, I think there were a couple of reasons. One reason was that I was convinced that they had given me something more than what I had asked for and that I hadn't worked out the calories properly, However I think a big factor was that it would be the first time in over twelve years that I had ordered something with the intention of actually eating and drinking it without vomiting.

I hate the fact that I was so reliant on calorie counting especially as I no from the nutrition group that they are a complete load of rubbish as they can be up to 30% wrong and you will never get the same amount of calories from a product each time you have it. It all depends in what your doing, what else you have eaten, temperature and a whole host of other reasons. That aside it Was the only way I could get through the days as I really can't rely on judging potion sizes as everything seems too big.

I returned to the unit for dinner which was another ruddy buffet although this was slightly easier to deal with having faced it the other day. The hard part was just having to return and what was even harder to admit was that while I had done ok and didint want to come back I know that I still need to be here based on the amount of time that food still dictated my life,not eating it now but still thinking about it, working out numbers and worrying about the next meal. My leave really highlighted areas I still need to be working on to progress.

I thought I had done ok and was proud of the way I coped even through the struggles and having to ask repeatedly if I had had to much or worked things out correctly. So it really through me when I had a big weight jump on Thursday as all I could think was that I had had way to much on my leave had not worked things out right and was greedy. Despite having had a small diet increase which was to have an extra slice of toast with breakfast I don't believe that this would have caused the jump. It totally through me and has really scared me that i can't go on leave because I eat and drink too much and should have been sick to reduce what I had without the need not to have it!! It has scared me so much that it really effected my request for leave for the new year as I will be too scared to drink any wine incase it gives me a huge weight gain again.
To make matters worse the dietician wasn't in, again! Apparently ill (more like skiverlitus if you ask me due to the excesses of Xmas and boxing day!) never the less though I was left to totally freak out. I did manage to talk with the day care dietician although it didn't help much as she didn't really know about my weight gain history but she did try and has agreed to come and see me on Monday if Our dietician isn't back.

Despite my fear I did request exceptional leave for new year and was granted 1pm on new years eve until 5pm new years day I'm just unsure of how I will cope if I want to have a drink as I am terrified of how my weight will be effected. I am dreading being weighed on Monday and how it will effect my leave if it has jumped up again but I know all I can do is wait.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Am I psychotic?

I'm guessing I must be as they gave me an anti psychotic drug last night, oh no wait that was just given to me by accident!!!! Can you believe a nurse in charge actually gave me the wrong medication even after I questioned the tablet as i didn't recognise it as one I normally had. She then took out the box and popped a second one out so I assumed they were just a different make so took it. It was only when I said that it was not the same as the one from the previous night and that maybe two boxes were open that I looked in the drug cupboard to discover instead of giving me omeprazole she had actually given me olanzapine. To say I went nuts would be an understanding, i was fuming and terrified because I had no idea it was.
The nurse said she would call the duty doctor and I made her give me the drug info sheet but was crying so hard I couldn't read it. One of the regular staff members came to me and she was amazing she was so caring and really tried to calm me down. I desperately wanted to make myself sick but at the same time we had just had snacks and I didn't want to mess my weight up.

I had my obs checked and my pulse was sky high and blood pressure was through the roof, the staff nurse asked me to lie down as my blood pressure was so high what the hell did she expect it to be the state I was in.
I was told that all it would do was make me sleep and they assured me that it wouldn't make me put on weight based on one tablet of the lowest dose but I still demanded to see the doctor myself especially as it says consult doctor if you are epileptic.

Saw the doctor who assured me any allergic reaction would would have happened within the first 30 - 60 minutes and that it would just make me sleep.

Ben went crazy and phoned the ward he admitted he was quite drunk so not sure how well the conversation would have gone but he was just angry like me.

Fingers crossed it didn't appear to have much of an effect and I still woke up several times in the night but then couldn't wake up after I went back to bed after being weighed. Got woken up at 8.12am giving me three minutes till breakfast, great!!!!

Oh well will speak to Ben later to see if I should make a formal complaint or just a verbal complaint to be handled by the team here as well as the bank staffs manager.

Good news though my weight looks like it might have finally plateaued ( touch wood, fingers crossed, hope I don't jinx it etc etc....) so have agreed to a small diet increase starting tomorrow by way of another slice of toast with breakfast. I am terrified this will make my weight go up loads on Thursday and that it will effect what I eat on my leave. All I can do though for the next couple of days is my best and try not to beat myself up if things don't go exactly to plan after all leave should be about fun not food.

On that note Merry Christmas xxxx

Sunday, 23 December 2012

Shut up please!!!!

Not blogged for a few days because the endless screaming in my own head has been relentless and I have had very few moments when I would have been able to write anything resembling either constructive or sentence like.

It started Thursday with the dreaded weigh in which luckily my weight didn't really do much however this meant that the dietician came looking to discuss how we move forward. I said that I was concerned that if I had an increase and my weight went up lots Monday how it would impact on my leave and if this would trigger me to either restrict my intake or eat and purge. She agreed to wait till Monday to see what happened but did say that if it wasn't for Xmas I would have had the increase but I'm glad that she listened to my concerns even if they were anorexic based. I am now however petrified that my weight will jump up again tomorrow anyway and I'm not sure how I will cope.

Next trauma came in the shape of the buffet which was horrendous! For a start it didn't turn up on time and so we didn't have lunch till 1pm which just meant an extra half an hour wait to get more and more anxious. We all had to go in and select either four or six items depending on which portion you were on, it all looked amazing and my gut reaction was to still want it all, I wanted all the nice looking sandwiches the cheese, the egg the roast chicken salad the samosas the mini eggs I just wanted it all but only if I could get rid of it after. The harsh realisation came because I realised two things, the first being how much I am still stuck in the eat as much as you want and purge it mind set but the second how much eating to keep means having a really restricted diet. Despite the choice of the nice sandwiches I chose two ham on brown one on white and a plain chicken on white with some salad on the side, talk about a bloody cop out. I was so disappointed in myself that I couldn't challenge myself to try something new but as the staff pointed out to me several times I had already achieved more than they expected as they didn't even think they would get me in the dining room.

One of the patients is still causing issues on the unit. They make really inappropriate comments and constantly analyse your choice of snacks and meals making comments about how certain items have more or less calories than others and just generally been really unhelpful. They hover around the snack list making an already difficult choice even harder when you think they are watching what your picking and judging you for it. The only saving grace is that they are moving her to another unit as she needs a different kind of care for the other issues she has apart from the anorexia. It's harsh but roll on the seventh January when she goes. Until then though it is getting increasingly difficult to rise above the situation without lashing out at her or someone else.

Have been feeling really huge. Mom brought in some black trousers for me to see if she could alter them and a new checked top so I had something new to wear on Xmas day, then my jeans that I ordered along with a checked shirt arrived and I love them. The jeans were too big so mom said she would take them in I was so excited at the thought of new things to wear and in my head they were going to look good and give me a bit of a confidence boost. Oh dear!!! Mom brought them back for me to try yesterday but they looked stupid, the black trousers looked like they had a crease down the back that had been ironed in the Wong place and they was a huge bump in the back of the jeans, I was so disappointed as they looked nothing like I wanted them to look. So didn't mean to sound ungrateful as I know my mom will have done the best she possibly could to get them right for me but the truth is I won't look like I want in them because I don't have the figure I want.

I was also upset because Ben went to the German market with friends on Friday night and I saw a photo on face book and he looked so happy and this is something I have been unable to do for a long time. They then all went back to our house and drank and played games till about 3am. I hate the fact that I was so jealous one because they were in my house and not me and the main reason was because Ben was getting yet another glimpse of what life would be like to be with someone who was not so screwed up.
This bothered me so much so that I told him not to come yesterday and to get done what he needed to as I didn't want to say anything and come across as completely paranoid and untrusting as I do trust him it's just really difficult being stuck in here while life goes on without you.

So now it's Sunday and the dreaded weigh day is looming I'm already panicking and feeling ill at the thought. All I want to do is say head shut up please!!!!

Wednesday, 19 December 2012

Good news at last!!

Woo hoo!! I got leave for Christmas I will be leaving the prison at 9am Christmas day and not returning till 5.30pm on boxing day I am so excited I could burst!! As always though eating disorder has reared it's ugly head to try to spoil it filling my thoughts with the idea that I am obviously now well and shouldn't be here as I am one of the only patients to get leave. This was not helped last night by one of the staff nurses telling me having my physical observations done twice a day was pointless if I was now getting leave, this made me feel like I was fine and that there was no concern over my health and that I was a fake for being here, as if I didn't hate her enough as it was.

While I am excited I am also petrified. I am worried in case I don't cope and make myself sick or that everyone will see me eat weirdly and think badly of me. I am so scared that the temptation to eat lots will be too strong and so I will end up vomiting. I just hope that with a plan in place I will be able to control myself and resist the urge to eat more than I feel I should, panic and then make myself sick.

Plan for boxing day is also quite exciting, shopping!! I don't really want to buy anything but I haven't been in shops for so long I just want to have a mooch in the sales. I just don't want to sit around all day as that's all I do here. Plan is to have a sandwich in town if I am able if not a backup is going to be in the shape of a pre made one I will take with me. Scary thing is coming back to the unit only to then be faced with a Buffett.

Talking of which for some bizarre reason we are having a Buffett lunch today. I am so scared as I will want to try everything and eat loads as that's always been my past experience. I think the staff supervise what you take and make sure you have enough but not too much but I am still terrified.

Quite a busy day today which is good as I did pretty much bugger all yesterday! Fingers crossed Ben is coming later and my parents and sister tonight, good times.

Still mental, not dead!!

I haven't blogged for a few days because so much has been going on with issues on the unit that my head has been all over the place and I haven't really been able to think straight enough to succinctly get it out in writing, however I thought I would give it a go today but apologies if it is still somewhat of a ramble.

Tensions on the unit between certain patients have been really bad and came to a head on Sunday night when a particular comment upset a patient so much that she flipped out and ended up in A&E with two fractured knuckles having punched a wall several times!!
The tensions seem to stem from a clash of personalities between two of the patients but rather than them just accepting they will never get on they continue to made snide comments and generally keep going at each other this however causes all the other patients to become involved as it is done in communal areas and so affects everyone. I have tried several times to raise issues in support group but one of the patients involved doesn't bother to come to the group, despite it being compulsory, this in itself raises the tension as it yet again seems like one rule for one and one rule for another.
It feels like I'm back at school with all the childish playground behaviour that has been going on what with she said this and she said that it's like really are we still at this level! While I accept that this illness does make you child like in many ways this situation really does feel like deliberate attention seeking childish behaviour for which I wish to have no part. I have to keep reminding myself that all the other patients are much younger than me, all around 18 but still we are all supposedly adults never the less. I think I struggle with it more though because seeing the attitude in certain patients reminds me of my second admission to a unit and I was just like that so its hard to see without wanting to tell them to stop other wise they will still be titting about with the illness 13 years later like me.

My solution to avoid the issues is to continue to try to keep myself to myself and stay in my room out of the way, this was working ok until my name got dragged in to a conversation regarding patients levels of thinness and this was disclosed to me on Monday morning after I had been weighed of all times. I was not happy to say the least it's hard enough being paranoid that people are looking at you and judging you based on your size so to actually have this confirmed as fact was really unhelpful. My temper flared and I stormed to my door all ready to confront the patient and let all hell break loose, luckily for the patient in question rational becky kicked in and stopped me instead deciding not to be dragged down to the level of a child but to raise the issue within the support group inviroment.

Things came to a head in support group as the ward manager came in to try to find out what was causing the tension and heat on the unit, as per usual it was me that ended up speaking and left me yet again frustrated that I'm the only one that will speak up and thinking that everyone is thinking can't she ever just shut up!! Since then the tension does seem to have subsided slightly and people are really trying to focus on there own treatment rather than concerning themselves with that of others, I just hope this lasts.

So now you see why perhaps I have not really felt able to blog however on a lighter note my best friends came on Sunday and 'brought me Christmas!' It was perfect they turned up with Christmas headbands, crackers, prezzies, and even decorated my room Christmas tree with lights the lot. The afternoon was so lovely they really spoilt me. We had home alone on and they painted my nails. It was far more than I deserved I just hope one day I will be in a position to return the gesture.

So that takes me up to today and I'm not really sure how I feel, a mixture of emotions comes to mind anxious, scared, excited, nervous, to name but a few. I think I'm really anxious that in ward round today a final decision will be made about Christmas leave and despite trying not to I have really pinned my hopes on getting 9am Xmas day till 5.30pm boxing day. This is less than I originally asked for but after thinking it through and talking to Ben and family I decided stopping out till 9pm boxing day might be too much of a challenge too soon. I have planned for the days just in case and mom came in to see the dietician with me on Monday to talk about portion sizes which I have relayed to Ben so he can support me if I get leave.

Another reason for me feeling uneasy today is that I have put on a hoody that I've not worn before as I think it looks too tight over my stomach and draws attention to how much it sticks out, it also has faint horizontal stripes which I have been told are not slimming so I am worried that they make me look bigger than I already do. I have asked a couple of staff on their opinion but am still not sure I agree will get Bens opinion later as his is the one I trust, that is if I manage not to change prior to him coming.

Sunday, 16 December 2012


Finally felt like I had made a tiny bit of progress in the dining room yesterday. After some careful thought I asked my named nurse if I could try moving from the supervised table to an unsupervised table for my 3.15pm snack as I felt that because I really struggle with my meals it might make me feel like I had at least made a small step forward. My nurse thought it was a good idea but to just try one snack to start with. It was quite scary as I had to accept that I could be trusted to eat my snack and not cheat by trying to get rid of some of it and this completely went against what my eating disorder wants, never the less I did it and felt quite proud of my achievement.

My sense of achievement however was short lived when after dinner last night a particular patient announced she was going to be unsupervised for all meals and snacks, my reaction " what the fuck!!"
Perhaps I should explain my reason for such a reaction by highlighting some of her behaviour displayed at breakfast a mere two days ago, when challenged about not having used all her milk a staff member poured the remaining milk from her jug on to the cereal so the patient spooned three spoons of milk on to the table! The cereal was then replaced at which point she bellowed there was more cereal than last time and staff were just picking on her, the outcome three handfuls of cereal were removed from the bowl, crunched up and thrown at a member of staff!! Finally at dinner yesterday she was challenged about the way she ate a sandwich several times so she got up and moved to another table. Answer by staff to this behaviour.... put her on the unsupervised table, genius!!!!

Now I can see why they have done it I think they are working on the assumption that challenging her doesn't work and almost makes her more defiant to do the complete opposite to what they ask her and so if she is on unsupervised she will just get on with it. Great in principle but if this is not the case it is really unfair on patients who have worked hard to be trusted enough to actually progress to that point and not just been given it because staff have given up!! I know it's petty to think like this but it really did feel like my achievement had been pissed on (pardon my French!)

After talking it through with parents and Ben I have decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, maybe it will work and she will just get on with it and not feel the need to cheat herself and constantly kick off as most of the time she will be on her own and therefor have no one to play up for. However if I find that at snacks she is still crunching her crunchie and then dropping half of it on the floor I'm afraid sod it I will say something as I'm not going to be made to feel like a complete mug for sitting there complying when she blatantly isn't. While I readily accept that I am there for me and at the end of the day she is only really cheating herself it does have an effect on those around her and I don't see why I should put up with it just because people don't want to say things to her because they know the reaction in her it will provoke. Guess we shall see what happens today..

Friday, 14 December 2012

Moving day

Yesterday was hideous!! The day began with the dreaded weigh in which I'm pleased to say did nothing it was the same as Monday but just like all the other times this has happened I daren't get my hopes up its stopping as it will more than likely jump up again on Monday.
During breakfast I suddenly felt really sick and lightheaded like I was going to pass out so had to go and lie down. I did manage to go back and complete my breakfast and then went to my room for a sleep. This was on top of me already having a bad throat. One thing I got from ward round on wednesday was that I am now allowed to manage my own sitting time after breakfast it took three weeks of asking but it's progress never the less.

One of the hardest things yesterday was being asked to move rooms, I have been in the high dependency room since I came in and yesterday they asked me to move to one of the other rooms. The first thing I was told was that this did not mean I was well they just thought it would be nice for me to have a room with some carpet and that was slightly less clinical. While this is true and my new room is slightly more homely(ish) it did make me feel like I was not ill any more and so didn't need to be here and that everyone else was Ill and I was just a fake. I managed to laugh it off when other patients asked why I was moving by saying I had been promoted and had gone up market but inside I was dying. It's really hard going from everyone panicking about you 24/7 to not really been particularly concerned as it really feeds the eating disorder in you to believe you are not good enough and should try harder to be ill.
It was also particularly hard as I thought the next time I packed my stuff it would be to go home not to move three doors up and unpack it again!! The only bonus is that I have finally managed to get rid of the air mattress despite then saying I needed to take it with me I managed to convince them to let me try a normal mattress after all I don't have bones sticking out any more and a firmer mattress will be better for my bad back. Sleeping last night on it was amazing it was so quiet in my room I could actually hear my clock without the need to strain my ears and every time I moved it didn't sound like I was on a lylo, heaven.

The final trauma came in the form of dinner I was expecting spaghetti bolognese which I have had several times and size wise have got used to, one spoon pasta and one spoon sauce so I was filled with complete fear when they said the meal had come ready mixed, they lifted the lid of my plate and all I saw was a mound of penne pasta and meat (not really any sauce, just meat!) I completely freaked out staff said the portion was right and that they had served two spoons of the mixed meal but to my mind this meant that I had had more pasta than I should have had and I still think that now, three attempts of walking out and back in to the dining room and I did manage to eat it unfortunately despite having a good chat to staff I was unable to keep it all and did vomit all though this was after an hour. I was really disappointed in myself but I guess it's a learning curve and will be something for me to work on.

The day was also traumatic as we had a new patient in which of course I thought she would be looking at me and thinking my god why is she here she is clearly not ill. It's always really hard when a new patient comes in as you don't know how it will effect the dynamics of the unit. Not that the dynamics are that good anyway at the moment, one particular patient is still kicking off at the drop of a hat, or in her case cornflakes which this morning needed replacing three times as she insisted on throwing them all over the table and also poking every portion of margarine. She is incredibly rude to staff and continues to moan about other patient making a fuss in the dining room and then goes on to sit there swearing at staff and throwing food around.

Anyway it looks like I may get some Christmas leave which will be brilliant but very scary and daunting, I will find out for sure on Wednesday so fingers crossed.

Tuesday, 11 December 2012

Lock down!!!!

My god this week is going to be long!! Due to the out break of vomiting and diarrhea they have had to close the ward. This means we have no groups or therapy sessions and even worse no visitors are allowed and it won't reopen until 72 hours after the final symptom has passed.

Great this has meant no session with the psychologist today, no relaxation and another week without a massage. The worse thing for me is that I was due time out tomorrow to go to the dentist at which point I was also going to go home and see George and now I can't go as no one can leave the ward, not even to go to the craft room. Infact it's more like a prison than usual!

Everyone is feeling the effects of the closed unit as it is feeling like an extended weekend that is just dragging on with no end in sight. One patient is in isolation and so we have no idea if she is still ill or now symptom free and staff just keep telling us they will keep us updated as and when they know anything.

This all happened yesterday which to say added to an already shockingly bad day would be an understatement. Yet again my weight jumped up still without any form of increase in my diet, now just under a stone till my pausing point weight wise and I just know I'm going to get there on this tiny diet and they won't be able to maintain my weight, so it will keep going up before I'm ready to see if I want to go any higher at which point I will freak out and just want to loose it all. This is making me really just want to discharge myself go home and go back to work. This caused Ben and I to argue yesterday as I sometimes feel that he doesn't listen to me, I don't need him to agree or even understand but to just realise that sometimes I just need to tell him how I feel regardless of how stupid or irrational it sounds as its how I feel and I need to share it else I think sometimes I might go mad. He could not do this yesterday and talked over me and told me that it was irrational and he would discuss it when I was thinking more clearly really not helpful!

So as the never ending day goes on I have started to think about ward round tomorrow and hoping that the consultant will actually bother to be in unlike the dietician who I desperately need to talk to and was not in yesterday and not here today either (genius eating disorder unit and no dietician on weigh day!!!). I am going to request my Christmas leave and also to manage my own sitting time after breakfast, despite the fact they have said no to this for two weeks I will ask again. I hope they make some sort of decision over leave as next week will only give me six days to plan everything and it's going to need a lot of planning, especially meal wise.
I know Ben and my family need to know what's happening so they can plan their own Christmas and also prepare if I am going home as it will be just as stressful for them as it will be for me just for different reasons.

Fingers crossed for a decision I'm sure the screams of anger and frustration will be heard far and wide if they don't make a decision or worse still make the decision that gives me a no.

Sunday, 9 December 2012


Eughh feeling like total pants!! Spent all day asleep yesterday having had sickness and diarrhoea. This is such a shame after having such a wonderful evening out on Friday.
Ben and I finally had an evening out (all be it without official leave) and we went to see Rhod Gilbert who was so funny I laughed until I cried. It felt amazing to be laughing a genuine laugh, not forced or fake but real laughing something I have been unable to do for years.

It was quite a stressful night and I felt extremely self conscious about the way I looked particularly when I saw my work colleague who's first comment was that I looked well. Now while I know this isn't meant as my god you look huge in my head that's exactly what it means. I am also worried that he will go in to work and say how well I look and that everyone will then be questioning why I'm still here and not back at work.

Truth be told the evening did highlight that while in some ways I have progressed I still have many issues that need resolving, it really upset me that half way through I found that rather than just enjoying the evening I was working out in my head how many calories I was having in the wine and sweets and trying to work out if it would be too much, whatever too much actually is. A particularly low point was when I made Ben google to see how many calories were in popcorn before I would even eat a piece, if that wasn't bad enough it really stressed me out when he wouldn't let me look for myself and I wasn't getting the answers I needed because he wasn't doing it properly. Only afterwards did I look at this and realise that I found it stressful because I wasn't in control and my perfectionistic tendencies were making me feel annoyed that he wasn't doing it right, ridiculous I know but the feelings were prominent never the less.

That aside we did have a great night and Ben even took me home for a few minutes so I could see George (the cat) it was both wonderful and weird to be back at home after so long. The cat wasn't particularly interested in me despite having some fuss I felt like he was thinking your kind of familiar but not really sure that I know who you are although he seemed slightly happier when I fed him. Talking of food (yes I know that's nothing new) I had to look in the fridge just to see if it Was as bad as I imagined it was going to be, all I will say is there were items that I know I left in there before I came in to hospital and will leave it at that!!

Ben and I had a good talk on the way back to hospital which was quite hard, he was explaining more about how he has really felt over the last year or so and how me being ill has effected him and our relationship. His honesty is needed but I am so scared that I have put a huge strain on the relationship and made him so unhappy and that things may not go well if I can't completely beat my illness, which of course I may never do fully. Hopefully if we can continue to talk and be as open and honest as possible we can keep working on issues and move forward.

It is just a shame that I woke up after the night yesterday feeling like total crap, I felt sick had upset stomach felt light headed and had a splitting headache. I have to admit that I thought at first it may be a reaction to having had a couple of glasses of wine after months without but as I was still feeling crap when I went to bed last night and still feel crap this morning I am thinking it may be a virus as suggested by the doctor yesterday. That aside I am terrified that this will now stop them even considering leave for Christmas as they will say I'm not well enough to cope. It really didn't help that I didn't manage breakfast, I did try I went in to the dining room three times but had to leave each time for fear I was about to throw up! I made myself have a supplement as I was terrified at not having the calories because of the effect it might have in my weight. I managed about 3/4 but couldn't finish it as I knew it would be coming straight back up if I did, minging does not even come close to the taste!!

I am really worried that I will have totally messed up my weight for Monday and that it will either jump up loads because it will hold on to more fluid than normal or go down but this won't be real. I am just terrified and dreading Monday.

Friday, 7 December 2012

Time out

So the day has finally arrived! I have waited three months for an evening away from the ward to see Rod Gilbert and what was the final decision on leave from the team..... Yes that's right NO!!

Despite this I have decided that I am going anyway the team have basically said that while they can't give me formal leave as it is clinically not a safe course of action they have given me assurance they will not section me on the proviso that I come back after and that I am fully aware it is against medical advice and basically if I drop dead Ben can't sue them!

So all agreed I will be leaving tonight with Ben around 6.30ish, am I excited? Err I think terrified would be a far better analysis of how I actually feel. It's crazy I have been looking forward to this moment for months and now it's here I feel sick at the thought of going.

I can't wait to spend some quality time with Ben but the anxiety around it is crippling to the point that it makes me not want to go. I am terrified that people will look at me and think how out of proportion my body looks and how big I am. It will be the first time in over 11 years I will have eaten a meal and gone out without having vomited to make myself feel thin enough to go. Not only will I have just eaten when we leave but I will also have to change in to tighter clothes after eating and I am dreading this.

I am really nervous even about being around so many people as I have spent three months in a safe, and small environment the thought of lots of people is quite daunting.

An added anxiety was finding out that one of my work colleagues who works at the venue part time will be working there tonight. I am so scared that he will see me and think that I have got lots bigger and look well and therefore will not understand why I'm still here and not back at work.

Ben has tried his best to reassure me but I feel like I have really upset him because I can't believe what he says about my size, it's not that I don't trust him I just can't comprehend that because I have physical proof I am bigger (no longer needing a belt to just manage to keep my jeans from falling down) that it is not visible to others.

Oh well just got to keep going its not helped that I'm having a really bad 'fat day' although I imagine much of this is triggered by my raised anxiety levels. Fingers crossed I will be able to walk out of the door and Ben will be able to get me in and to the bar for that longed for glass of wine and a few haribo (other jelly sweets are available!!)

Wednesday, 5 December 2012


As I suspected ward round was a complete waste of time. Despite the assurance of the consultant that the team would give me an idea of what amount of leave would be realistic for Christmas  for me to ask for all I was told was that it was too soon! They said I was doing well and making progress but then this was not backed up by telling me it was too soon to start managing my own sitting time even just after breakfast which is all I had requested. The only thing I got was to go from level two obs (every 15 minutes) to level one (checking where you are once an hour). Now while I agree this is progress I just feel like I'm never listened to, I had a talk with one of the staff nurses regarding how I felt about level two and I said that at fist it felt like I had gone from all to nothing over night. I explained that following a chat with my named nurse people doing checks were actually asking if I was ok as opposed to just sticking head through the door and leaving was really helpful as it was giving way to an opportunity for dialogue and I found it easier to say how I was feeling and more able to talk things over rather than having to try to find a staff member, especially as on several occasions there have been none around. So all in all was finding it helpful, so they stop it!! It seriously feels like I may as well talk to the wall!!

So now were back to Thursday again and yet another weigh day where my weight is still going up despite still no diet change. I have really had enough and feel like if I don't get out of here I may actually go mad, my mood and motivation are at an all time low and nothing I say to family seems to be right and is perpetuating my feelings that I have let them down and disappointed them. All I want to do is get out of here and go back to work, I just to need to feel like I have a purpose to get out of bed and that days can have variation not like here when one meal rolls in to the next and one day in to another. There is no change its like ground hog day and quite frankly I've had enough.

Crap day!

Great!! Have just found out that the consultant is not in ward round today so i don't know why they are even bothering to have it as they won't make any decisions without him. Looks like I will be going to see Rod Gilbert without official leave. They were also supposed to be discussing Christmas leave so I would have an idea of what I might get even if no formal decision is made at this point. It's so hard to plan for the day without knowing if and what leave I may have, and it's stressful enough as it is.

To add insult to injury I have had severe pain in my back and hips for the last few days so was really looking forward to my massage today with the complimentary therapist. Well what a bloody surprise she won't be in today either!! So to say my day is ruined would be an understatement.

There is very little that keeps you feeling motivated to get up in a morning in here especially as you know it will be the same old shit just another day, nothing really changes except my weight but in terms of my thinking and feelings I am still where I was three months ago. It feels like my body has sped off and my head is still stalled on the starting line.

Motivation to do anything at the moment is at an all time low all I seem to want to do is sleep, not sure if this is due to sleeping poorly at night or just because I don't have to think when I'm sleeping. I have finished the first module of my course and emailed it yesterday for marking I feel like I have already failed as its advised that all modules from the first section of the course be completed by Christmas and I have only managed one I feel like I have let myself down and also disappointed Ben that I haven't motivated myself to do more work and not sleep. I have informed my tutor I am in hospital and asked if it matters that they will not all be completed I currently await his response.

So now my day is feeling empty and ultimately pointless I'm not really sure what to do, maybe I will make some Christmas cards or maybe I will just sleep.

Sunday, 2 December 2012

Too early!!

Seriously wanted to chin the nurse that woke me up this morning!! I think I finally managed to get to sleep at about 2.30am, waking again at 4am and then dozed on and off but must have gone to sleep properly at about 5am (ish) then at 6.05am in comes the nurse with her booming voice "come on Bec time to get up' err I wouldn't mind but my alarm hadn't even gone off which is set for 6.15am she then repeated this every minute till I emerged ready for the impending doom of being weighed. I really don't get why this horrific event has to be done so damn early, it is claimed that it is so it can be put on the computer and ready in the notes for handover at 7pm, surely it would be just as easy for them to allow us to be weighed at 7am and for day staff to put it on the computer!!

Oh well guess I will just have to spend yet another day being crazy tired. So as per usual my weight has gone up again, it was a smallish gain but will undoubtably jump up on Thursday as at seems to be the pattern, either large jump Monday and smaller on Thursday or visa versa, either way it's still showing no sign of stopping!! I am convinced it will still be going up on this diet when I get to my target weight and to say I am petrified would be an understatement.

Had my heart echo on Saturday and I was terrified going out but it was really nice to have some freedom, especially after not being out for three months. I don't think I've ever been so excited to go in to WHSmiths (there is one in the main hospital) I was like a kid in a sweet shop, talking of which I was still really drawn to looking at all the food and was especially drawn to the pic and mix! I love jelly sweets and have missed having them, mom did offer to get me some but I declined. Clearly not ready for extra yet, especially as I felt so huge anyway and that the nurse who did my echo was thinking how big I looked and especially how much my stomach was sticking out. I desperately wanted to see myself in a proper mirror (the ward mirrors are not normal and distort your image, I mean seriously is my body image not screwed up enough!!) and see myself as thin but there was a full length mirror in the room and I really couldn't see any part of me that looked even remotely thin all I could see was a body that was too big and it felt like it shouldn't be my body. I wish I could just see through someone else's eyes for two minutes to see how they really see me just so I could know if what I am seeing is real or not.

The echo itself was ok and fairly painless, although the bruises it has left me with are quite the opposite. It was interesting to see and hear my heart and see it beating although quite bizarre! I should get the results in a couple of weeks, I did ask if they could see anything but she said they just send a report to the consultant. I'm sure if they had seen anything too serious they may have shown some more concern and not take two weeks to let me know.

So here we go again with yet another week! I have been here three months today and I wish I could say I was feeling and thinking better but I still feel like my weight and body have changed dramatically but my head is in the same place it was all that time ago, just dont think it will ever catch up.

Saturday, 1 December 2012


I am finally having some freedom today!! Ok so it's only to go over the road to the main hospital for a heart echo but still I will finally get to see that a world still exists outside of this unit. Now while I am looking forward to a break I am so anxious about going its ridiculous. I am so worried that people will be looking at me and thinking how big I am and that I look really out of proportion body wise. People have tried to reassure me that this will most definitely not be the case but I can't shake off the anxiety. I tried my jeans on yesterday ready for today and was so freaked out by how tight they felt, I certainly no longer need a belt to hold them up. My mom has said that they still look baggy but I can see how tight they look and how big my bum looks in them. I have tried to convince myself that they feel tighter because I have been wearing really baggy joggers for the last twelve weeks but it's not working.

I had a shocking nights sleep worrying about it I couldn't get to sleep and then when I did i kept dreaming really random dreams and waking up. So now I am so tired I am struggling to keep my eyes open. Just fell asleep while still typing so had a quick read to see if anything I had written made sense or was the ramblings of a sleep deprived person. It was only by doing this that I have realised the craziness of this illness I am so concerned about being seen and people judging me that I haven't even considered getting anxious over the reason I'm going for the echo.

I have to go because i have had several abnormal readings from my ECG's and one of the readings indicate the possibility that part of my heart is dead!! Now while the guy that does the ECG's doubts this to be the case there are still several abnormal readings  and so you would think I should be more concerned about the results and the implications they may have for me long term. It is fact that when you don't take in enough food your body will break down muscle for energy so effectively your body starts to eat itself! One of the biggest muscles is the heart and so often gets damaged a consequence of anorexia and bulimia. Worst of all I have given my heart  a double whammy as it will have been not only damaged by being at such a low weight but years of vomiting will have put a massive strain on it.

Sad truth is the reason I haven't really thought about the actual test is because I don't really think anything will be wrong, I'm not sure if this is because I still don't think that physically I am or have been ill or that I don't really care. After all if there is something wrong it's my own fault so i cant really complain or worry about it.

Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Medical freak!!

Oh for f***s sake it's still going!! Just been weighed and it has gone up again despite now having had no increase in my diet for nine weeks. Even the staff are surprised its not stopped yet I just know I'm going to get to my target weight on this diet and then will be unable to stop gaining feel completely out of control and spiral back down in to my old ways because it's the only way I can see to control my weight.

The staff and dietician keep assuring me it will stop and to trust them but so far it has done the complete opposite to what they advise it should do and I feel like I'm going to be the medical freak who the rules don't work for. It's almost like my metabolism has completely failed to realise I'm gaining weight and is therefore still running at 40% rather than rising in line with the weight gain.

I want to just give up today bury my head in the sheets on my bed and cry but I don't even have the energy to cry because I am so tired and emotionally drained I have nothing left and no tears to cry. I only managed about an hours sleep and feel completely exhausted and I already feel like crap for sleeping much of yesterday and not having really done anything productive.

Today will be a tough one as I am really just freaking out and don't want to do it anymore. Dreading Monday already there is just no let up to this constant nightmare, flitting from one anxiety to the next without any real time to stop and catch a breath. Not sure how much more I can take.

Monday, 26 November 2012

What day is it?

Just had one of those moments when you wake up and you have no idea what day it is and where you are and it takes a few minutes to work it out. Then I remembered all to quickly its Tuesday and I'm still in hospital. It's amazing how quickly the covers want to be pulled over my head and the desire for the day not to starting again. It makes very little difference that it's Tuesday as everyday in here is pretty much the same, eat sit, eat sit, you get the point. I suppose at least today there are quite a few things going on that will break the monotony. I have relaxation at 10.30am followed at 11.00am with the nutrition group. Then this afternoon I have anxiety management group. I would normally see the psychologist at 1pm but this week he is not here so will be seeing him tomorrow instead.
The highlight of my day will be Ben coming in this afternoon followed by a parental visit this evening. The sad part is all this will happen in the blink of an eye and then I will sleep for what feels like five minutes and the whole thing will start all over again!

Am feeling particularly anxious this morning as I think there is a possibility we may be getting a new admission on the ward today as staff were making a bed up in one of the rooms yesterday. It is always really difficult when new people come for several reasons. The worst and most eating disordered reason is not knowing how ill they are and how thin they are going to be, I worry if they will be worse than me and if they are I know I will feel like I need to be worse than them and want to loose weight and be thinner. I hate that this is the first thing that comes to mind but I have to be honest and this is very much the case. I worry how much bigger I will look compared to them. On a less selfish note I worry about how hard it is for them coming and having to start the difficult journey or worse still the thought that they have been here before and are just stuck in the seemingly never ending cycle of relapse and recovery. I think this is a particularly difficult thought as its how I see things being for the rest of my life and I just can't comprehend that being the case and this being all there is. I wonder how the dynamics of the unit will change although it couldn't really make it much worse, could it?!

On top of all that my hips are really painful as is my back to the point I can't gets comfortable and am extremely restless (hence why I'm awake so early when not being weighed) I did however get to see the aromatherapist yesterday for a massage as recommended by the physiotherapist and hopefully will be getting another one tomorrow at 10.30am providing she makes it in this week. That's tomorrows bit of a day break and also Ben coming in will be a highlight. Unfortunately by then it will mean that Thursday is imminent and therefore weigh day again. Only bonus to Thursday is that three of my best friends are coming in and I very much look forward to their visits as I get a couple of hours feeling relatively normal catching up on gossip, reminiscing and actually being able to laugh. Ahh light relief, I can't wait.


Well I'd like to say I'm surprised about today's weigh in but I'm not yes you guessed right it went up again so still no sign of a plateau. I actually don't think it would have mattered what it did today as I was already feeling really crap and huge before i got on the scales so I guess the gain just reinforced how I felt.

Had quite a stressful morning. It had been mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the doctor wanted to assess if I should still be taking my epilepsy medication as they didn't want me taking stuff I didn't need! I questioned why they had suddenly decided this and was told that because I hadn't had a fit in about 10 years (touch wood) that I probably didn't need to be on medication!! Now is it me or does this make no sense at all? Why would you question if someone needed to be on a drug because they were displaying no symptons of the problem the drug is taken for when the aim of said medication is to do just that!!?

I made it perfectly clear to the doctor that I had real reservations about coming off the drug despite that fact that I too hate taking tablets especially if there not needed. I pointed out that we went through hell trying to get a diagnosis when I started with the problem and it took up a massive part of my life and was the cause of me having to drop out of sixth form. We went through several possible diagnosis's and at one time was even told it was psychosomatic,  it was only when we saw a professor who was specialised in neurology that he diagnosed epilepsy and was shocked that no one had tried medication to see if it stopped the fits. I started medication and although it took a while the condition started to become controlled. The diagnosis impacted on my life massively as it meant that I couldn't pursue learning to drive and at the time would have to be fit free for three years. I finally went three clear years and got to learn to drive. This enabled me to change jobs as I was no longer restricted to having to work close to home.

So this is one of my main concerns with stopping treatment based on the idea that I might not need the drug the point is if they stop it and I fit they will completely destroy my life as I would be unable to continue to drive and therefore would be unable to do my job. This at a time when I already feel like I am ruining my life and that of those around me and now they want to give me this added stress.
Anyway my mom came in this morning to talk to the doctor about the time I was diagnosed and what happened in terms of fits, good old mom went in guns blazing informing the doctor in no uncertain terms that they would stop the drug over her dead body, hmm useful!! I did ask her to calm down but I was actually really grateful for the support. I did at least admit to the doctor that them questioning my medication reminded me of being diagnosed and that I felt like they didn't believe I had a problem and was making it up. When asked if I had any say or if my opinion would even be considered she said it would but if they felt it was not needed they would not prescribe it, so in other words no!

So now I am really stressing as its made me feel like getting better is even more pointless if there going to make another problem come back and if it does I really will give up and will just want to die, this is a hard enough fight without having to go through that again as well.

Sunday, 25 November 2012

Hard time

I haven't really felt much like communicating with the outside world over the last few days primarily because I have felt quite low in mood and thought that it wouldn't be particularly interesting for people to read a continuous out pour of verbal diareah of how I feel fat, my stomach is huge, my bum is massive and my thighs wobble when I walk top that off with the start of a double chin and you will see why perhaps I have just not bothered to say anything!!

Thought maybe today I would attempt to say something at least although positivity I can't promise. The unit is still a really unsettled place although we have decreased drastically in numbers and this weekend there is only four of us and one of those is on bed rest so there is just three jn the dining room. It is unfortunate that one of the three is refusing to eat anything and has been doing so now for several days although she is now being tube fed she is still paraded in to the dining room where she is given a meal only for her to sit there and not eat it, mean while the rest of us are meant to carry on eating and pretend that it doesn't effect us.
Truth is I wish it didn't bother me and it's not even that I think she is getting away without having calories its just really hard when you are struggling and she sits there cracking jokes and not eating, it feels like its ok for you to laugh and joke because your not having to face your fear but the rest of us are so shut your face!!!!

My frustration has just been increased by the staff nurse asking myself and the other patient who are eating to remain in the dining room once we had finished eating, when we questioned why we were told it wouldn't be discussed. It's hard enough being in the dining room anyway but do they really think I want to extend it longer without seemingly a good reason. It would appear that they were in the lounge with the patient not eating not sure doing what but as the lounge is a communal area it strikes me as inappropriate for them to be using it as a clinic when we have one. I sat in the dining room for 10 minutes and couldn't take it any longer so left and went to my room at least there I can use my iPad.

The other patient is still taking the piss around sitting time getting up and down and generally finding a million excuses not to sit down. I think in ward round I'm going to ask if I can manage my own sitting time as at least that way I will have a choice of going to my room if people are really pissing me off!! I also think I can manage to rest during this time and think I will be able to fight the urge to exercise as I tend to sleep after meals anyway just as a way to get through the initial intense period of when I want to vomit.

I am still getting the urge to vomit regularly and some days find it incredibly difficult to fight but with each day I try not to beat myself up if the previous day has not been 100% successful and start again. I it particularly difficult when I feel full as this in my head equates to fat and being disgusting, lazy and weakness that I have eaten and not fought against it. So far today I have not done too badly I slept after breakfast and then went in the activity room after sitting time from snacks and did some craft which passed away the morning just a pity that I had to have lunch which ruined my relatively relaxed feeling and has left me feeling hideous. I might try to go back in there after sitting time from lunch as there is screaming and shouting coming from one of the rooms which is really stressing me out. Hopefully then I can pass some of the afternoon till mom and dad come.

Weigh day again tomorrow already! time is here goes so slowly and at the same time flys past so quickly it's scary one minute it's breakfast I blink and it's final snacks it's just one long continuous nightmare with each meal running in to each other but on the other hand I feel like I have been here forever, mind you I will have been here 11 weeks tomorrow that really is forever!!

Wednesday, 21 November 2012


It is so exhausting worrying I should know because it's all I seem to do, in fact I think I would worry about having nothing to worry about!!

It feels that I live in a constant state of anxiety lurching from one worry to the next.
I lost a small amount of weight in today's weigh in which I admit to being over the moon about not all because the anorexia was chuffed but more of a positive reinforcement that vomiting or at least not vomiting does not always correlate to weight gain. The reason I can feel this is because I have now managed to go five days without vomiting and worried this would equate to me having a huge weight gain. However I am now already worrying about Monday as I am convinced that I will have the huge gain then and that it will just confirm my worst fears and my weight isn't finally plateauing after all.

I am also worried that this environment is currently running the risk of making me worse and so have seriously considered trying to discharge myself, what stops me is the ever constant threat of being sectioned and also in more rational moments realising that I may cope for a few days or maybe a week or two but it would not be long before I slipped back in to old ways as I'm just not in the right place yet to accept recovery and to move on. Although I can't accept recovery and all associated with it for myself at the moment I owe it to Ben, my family and friends to keep trying and to try to stay focused and not let those around me effect me.

That is far easier said than done as I am particularly finding being around certain other patients extremely difficult. One in particular is driving me to distraction but at the same time I do feel sorry for her as she is clearly deluding herself that she is not ill either that or she really is a super nut job that needs to go from here to some other ward, perhaps one with a padded cell!!!!

I found yesterday particularly difficult as this patient and another at my table both refused their lunch and supplements this made me feel like a complete failure for sitting their dutifully eating mine and also that I was a complete heffer that clearly did not have a problem. I tried to talk to staff about this and the fact that my urge to vomit had really increased but this was at 1.15pm and at 5.30pm I was still waiting. I was so angry and just felt that I was not worthy of help because I wasn't screaming and shouting and didn't warrant any support and therefore must be fine. A similar situation occurred at dinner with the one refusing to eat all their meal and so the other followed suit and also refused, luckily I had already left the table else I suspect they may have ended up wearing their dinner!!
Frustration and anger came to ahead after snacks when they both went outside and were walking about during sitting time red mist descended and I lost my temper lurched for the door fully intent on punching one if not both of them, luckily by the time I reached the door my tiny rational side stopped me and so I just yelled at them to sit the fuck down because your taking the piss! Granted it was not the most articulate or constructive i could have been but the point was made never the less. I stormed off to my room like a stroppy teenager and fumed quietly till I felt that I had calmed down and able to face the ward again. Evening snacks were no better with one of them refusing that also.

It feels like this patient is trying to be the other it is so weird and scarily unhealthy, while I no and have explained previously that you can pick up on each others habits and anxieties quite easily this is something really quite different. It really feels like she is emulating to be her marking her arms the same way, refusing meals because she is, following her around, picking snacks together and a whole host of other things. Weird that's all I can say!!

So here we go again with yet another day I will try to focus on me and not be effected by those around but this is seriously far far easier said than done.

Up and down!

My mood is really up and down today and it's only 11.30am. When I woke up I felt crappy because I still felt like I'd eaten a brick (last nights dinner was really heavy!) and that I was huge and disgusting, needless to say breakfast was hard. I then has a really good talk with my named nurse which left me feeling slightly better and a bit more positive, I discussed ward round for today and asking them to reconsider my exceptional leave on the seventh to see Rod Gilbert and also plans around Christmas if I can get leave. We had support group which for once was not just thirty minutes of silence. After snacks I had to meet with my local ed nurse again and give her a decision about which service I want to go with, either her and the local service or the neighbouring service. Luckily I have found out that I can access some areas without actually having to see her so I felt ok to go with my local service and who knows all might have changed by the time I leave.

I am now feeling quite low though as I have been waiting and looking forward for a week for a massage with the complimentary therapist who I have just heard is now not going to be in. This will now be the second week I have missed out and that was what was keeping my mood up today so now I feel really annoyed, wound up and angry!! I can't believe that this can make me feel so crap and really drag my mood so low I could scream and cry. It's interesting though that in our anxiety group yesterday we looked at how we deal with disappointment and it's true that I don't deal with it for being just disappointing but instead make it in to a massive issue that i blame myself for and use to reinforce negative thoughts. Instead of just thinking oh that's a shame I actually think typical I new it would go wrong nothing good ever happens to me!! The frustrating thing is knowing your doing it and thinking this way and feeling unable to change.

I saw one of my best friends yesterday who I hadn't seen for some time I was so nervous of what she would think when she saw me and have to admit that I felt devastated when she told me I looked well, luckily I plucked up the courage to ask her what she meant by this as I thought she was telling me I looked far too big to be in a specialist unit, it turned out that she thought I had good colour but was still very very thin. Now while I know she wouldn't lie and I had asked her what she meant rather than just going on my assumptions I still couldn't help but think she was just saying it to stop me flipping out. I really hate that I feel this way. This friend has been going through a really hard time herself and it was really good to talk to someone and see that much of the way i think she is also feeling just without the food issues, now while I do not wish these thoughts and feelings on her it was good to talk to someone who I felt could really identify with many of the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing and i hope that in some small way talking with me may have helped her as well.

Sunday, 18 November 2012


Here we go again another day dawns and the weight is still going, 10 weeks on and still not doing what the dietician and nursing staff assured me it would do and continues to show no sign it will plateau. To be honest I haven't even got the energy to cry today as I only managed to have about an hours sleep and I am so tired I would seriously like to just not bother today.

Weigh day was the primary reason for my lack of sleep but something else was playing on my mind. A mutual friend of Ben and I has recently been going through a tough time personally. She had spent some time with Ben helping him on some of his recent work and has also been amazingly supportive to him and also to me. She has also taken support from Ben and they have helped each other through difficult days.

It was brought to my attention yesterday that a group of their friends had insinuated to Ben that this support was looking like more than that and he should be careful as people were talking. None of these so called friends had bothered to say anything to the friend in question and so Ben took her to one side and told her what had been said. It comes as no surprise that her reaction was anything short of fury at the thought of people talking about them like this especially as several of them had had affairs!!

When Ben told me I felt nothing but sympathy for our friend as rumours like this quickly spread and develop and before you know it her and Ben will be having a full blown affair while his wife rots in hospital!! This sympathy soon turned to anger not at them but at the others. While I can see why they may suspect the situation is more than just that of mutual support what does that really say about them and how they see Ben and our friend and more to the point about my relationship with them.

Ben has been nothing but open about time they have spent together and how he has been supporting her through her difficult time where he can. He has not tried to hide the fact she has on a couple of occasions been to our house. I have to admit I did find it hard to think of her in my home with my husband but not because I thought anything was going on but just because I was jealous she was getting to spend time with Ben in my house when I couldn't. Equally our friend has always been open with her husband so nothing has been kept 'secret'.
Our friend has so much to give and I think it has helped her been able to show this to Ben and I when she is struggling to find an output for this at home. I'm sure their so called friends said what they did with the best of intentions and to advise how others may be reading the situation but I am so frustrated that people feel it necessary to always see more in a situation than is there, finding it acceptable to pass comment on situations they have absolutely no insight in to what so ever.
Imagine I had heard this on a particularly bad day it wouldn't have taken much for a seed of doubt to be sown in my mind and before you know its chocked up with emotional chick weed and paranoia.

Luckily I do trust Ben implicitly and have no doubt that this is anything more than a friendship. I hope they can rise above the ridiculous insinuations of others and do not allow them to destroy their friendship. I hope they remember that the comments of these friends appear to me to be more the words of small minded people projecting there own failings on to others and I trust them completely and hope they can continue to offer support and kindness to each other as and when they can.

Saturday, 17 November 2012

Short staffed!!

I'm so ticked off!! I am constantly told by staff that they are always available to talk to and help me through stuff when I'm struggling. So I am finding things quite hard this morning and am really stressed and finding the urge not to vomit unbearably hard to fight so instead of bottling things up and giving in to the urge I go to the office and ask if anyone is free to have a chat and do some relaxation with me what do I get "err not really were short staffed perhaps we might be ok this afternoon!!" brilliant!! I completely give up so because they can't sort the bloody staffing levels out we as patients are expected to put our needs, feelings and stresses on hold until its a more convenient time.

This has just once again fed my feeling that I'm not really important any more and not really worthy of their time and support. I feel like I must be fine now and ready to go home having gone from constant panic about my health and 24 hour support to bugger all almost over night. So it's back to my original plan of head down get on with it get to a better weight and go home and just try to cope.

That said I would like to say that the staff who were on last night were amazing and actually made me feel like a human instead of an illness. Ben was home yesterday after several weeks away I was sooooo excited to see him although nervous as to how much of a change he would see in me physically. (he couldn't see any, or so he said) His work that has kept him away and ridiculously stressed was finally shown on BBC Children in Need last night so he came in so we could watch it together, great plan until we found out it would be on between 9pm and 9.30pm and visiting finishes at 9pm. I spoke to staff to see if there was any chance he could stay half an hour longer after all it's not everyday your husband has work shown on the BBC. Not only did they say yes but they even allowed us to go in to the day care lounge so we could watch it one the big tv rather than my iPad. It was incredible I was so immensely proud I think I continued to smile about it for several hours after. It has been a hellish project filled with problems, arguments and 24 hour working days but I have to say it was worth it all and the finished piece was superb. What made it all the more perfect was getting to have an hour of relative normality being able to curl up on a sofa with him to watch it, in fact I think that's the longest we have actually sat with each other without me getting up for more food supplies or to sit by myself for years and it was wonderful.

I know this blog is about me but part of me is my love of my husband and I am so proud I want to share his work with you so go to you tube and search for Morcome and Wise hologram and you will be able to see the piece with Chris Moyles and also the making of video with Ben himself.

Well done Ben so proud xx

Friday, 16 November 2012

Relatively calm

The overly vocal patient has gone, discharged herself yesterday and alarms hardly went off so for a  few hours at least the unit regained some of its quiet and calm, even if just on the exterior. The only problem with this is that it gives you more time to think about yourself rather than having an excuse of using others as a distraction.

My thoughts haven't really changed much since yesterday I still feel like I've resolved myself to the thought that I will never be able to have a normal relationship with food or weight and that I will never be free of the time consuming fixation I have on certain areas of my body and how much I detest them.

The only high light of my today is that Ben is finally coming home after two weeks away. I am so excited and I can't wait to see him however at the same time I am so scared that he will see huge changes to my shape the thought of which is just terrifying me.

We had an interesting session on body image yesterday looking at what we thought we're healthy and unhealthy body images. I think that everyone has parts of their body they are dissatisfied with but I think it's a sliding scale on that level of dissatisfaction as to how it effects you and your desire to Change it. Ultimately body image is not really about how you actually look but how you think and feel and how that can influence your thinking about how you look. It's so easy to become fixated on issues such as my stomach is too big and the more you fixate on it the worse it becomes and the bigger it looks, it may not have changed at all but because you are focused on it the worse your feelings become about that area and the more you see it negatively.

This can be true in other areas of life so maybe you feel that your not good at your job so you fixate on how you can improve but the more you stress and worry about changing the more negative feelings you will experience this will just escalate the problem more and more.

So despite the fact that I am utterly repulsed by my body I am challenging myself each day to try to look at it differently, to not focus on the fact that I no longer have the gap where my underwear fits over my hip bones which I see as the only way it should look. Looking at what I see as a now huge, rounded sticking out stomach and trying to see if I can possibly see it flat like others are telling me it is and if there is any way I might be able to see it as ok and think that I might be able to live with it in a new shape. So far I have not been able to but I will keep trying.

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

Let down

I feel completely cast adrift and let down. Ward round did not go well for me yesterday first and foremost they have said no to my exceptional leave on the 7th December to see Rod Gilbert's live show which Ben brought me the tickets for my birthday. Despite the fact that this is still a few weeks away. However when I asked if Ben was ok to take me to my dentist appointment on the 12th December a mere five days later the doctor said well you will probably be stronger and qbetter physically so that should be ok we will just have to speak to him. I pointed out to him what difference does that five days make but as always this was just brushed aside.

They have taken me off level three observations despite the assurance the other day that this would not happen so soon after bed rest ended in order to continue with the intensive support. Their solution to stop my urge to vomit was to put me on double sitting time which would mean sitting in the lounge for two hours after all meals and one hour after snacks. I told them they may as well have left me on bed rest as this would not be helpful and actually feel more of a punishment because I would be unable to use much of the distraction tools I use ie iPad, course work, speaking to family and friends as none of these items can be used in the lounge. When I told them this the doctor asked if I could guarantee not to vomit which of course I couldn't as there have been times on level three that I have not managed to resist the urge. The doctor said that I sounded like this is what I do and I can't change, err durhhh!! that's exactly how I feel but surely that's why I'm here!! Anyway I'm not doing it. The team were going to have another discussion when they had seen me and would come back to me surprise surprise they didn't and all that was handed over was that I was no longer on obs.

I feel like they went in to ward round and thought we can't have this many obs because we haven't got enough staff so because others are kicking off and I'm quite quiet and trying to comply that they just thought oh stick her in the lounge for longer and then we will no where she is so don't need to worry about her. The whole thing has made me feel like there is nothing wrong with me any more so I must be well and as big as I think I look so can go home after all I have gone from them panicking I'm going to die and constantly telling me how ill I am to someone just sticking their head in my door every hour not speaking and going again!!!!

No one bothered to tell me how the weigh day process went when your not on bed rest so had to work that out for myself. As always the weight is still going on! I think I have just resolved myself to the fact that I will reach my target weight on this tiny diet, not have the help to maintain, go home and then because I won't be able to eat relatively normal amounts will just slip straight back to old ways. I tried to discus with the doctor the plan for maintaining at a particular weight even if it was just until I decided if I was able to go further but all I get is we'll look at it when you get there. I tried to explain that my fears were that I would reach that point still not eating normal size meals and quite frankly his response really offended me I was told what i hear is that your scared, anorexic and putting on weight!! Thanks, just because some of my thoughts and feeling are anorexic they are still my feelings and should be no less valued that those without a problem.

To add to my stress they have taken it upon themselves that my epilepsy drugs should be reviewed and probably stopped because I haven't had a fit in about ten years (touch wood) so probably don't need them anymore. Why they feel they need to get involved with this is beyond me after all it has nothing to do with my eating problems. I am really not happy at this intrusion in to areas I feel they have no need to be involved in.

I am thinking I may as well go home and try to manage after all there would be more support there than I am getting here. I have promised not to make any rash decisions and to think things through. Until that point I will just keep my head down and my mouth shut as I have lost all the limited trust I had in staff and their care completely.

The madhouse!!!

I am so sick of being stuck in this nut house!! The ward is just a nightmare at the moment and is a really stressful environment. We have several patients on level three observations, this is when a nurse is constantly with a patient, and we also have a patient on two to one, so two nurses to one patient. We also had a new patient who came in at the weekend who is vocal to say the least!

For the last few days we have had alarms going off constantly because of various patients kicking off, and for once it's not been me. In actual fact I have just wanted to desperately separate myself from it all and not get involved.

It feels at the moment like several patients are trying to compete with who can get the most attention and quite frankly it is doing my head in staff are stretched and we are having to rely on a lot of bank staff. The regular staff are doing their best but it does feel like certain patients are taking advantage of bank staff to get away with stuff which is making it really hard on the patients who are desperately trying to focus on recovery.

I know I have complained in the past about bank staff but I do have to admit on the whole for the last couple of weeks they have been quite good and a few have done several shifts and have made a real effort with the patients.

There does feel that there are some really unhealthy relationships forming in here between patients while I think it is good to support each other I think at times it's crossing a line in to an unhealthy interest and intrusion in others care. When I go in to the dining room I really just need to focus on getting through my meal and don't really want to chat. One particular patient is very chatty which is fine as I don't need to respond but it really stressed me out when I was upset and staff were with me that she was constantly trying to tell me it's all ok things will be fine your doing it for Ben etc etc... it just felt like she was trying to nurse me and talking about stuff she really didn't know about. Then at lunch today I got really stressed because my meal seemed far bigger than the last time I had it so I questioned the portion size with staff but then this patient started commenting on the size and it made it so hard because I felt like she was watching me and what I was eating instead of just concentrating on what she needed to do.

Her and another patient are also selecting snack choices together and it just feels like everything is a competition which feeds my anorexia as it makes me feel like I need to kick off just to prove that I'm struggling and am just as ill and I really don't want to feel that way as the rational part of me knows that I don't need to play up for people to see that things are hard and get their help but the irrational part feels like I should. It's like those of us not constantly screaming and shouting are being sidelined and not receiving the one to one time needed with the qualified staff and only having bank staff to speak to who although are ok to chat with are not qualified to address fears and issues.

At least today I got an hour and a half away from it when my mom came in and we made some Christmas cards it didn't stop me feeling hideous but at least it occupied my fingers for a while to stop me pulling at the flesh of my stomach just trying to get rid of the flab!! It was also good to have some time with her that didn't involve too much talk about food or being huge.

I am hoping that the complimentary therapist will see me this afternoon as apparently she came to see me this morning when I was with my mom but I am looking forward to a back massage to help with my pain at least even if it doesn't manage to relax me. Fingers crossed she will come back.

Anyway snacks won't be too long now so will get ready and see how crap that can make me feel!!

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

No more

Woke this morning hoping to feel much better after yesterday but I don't. I finally got took off bed rest after nine long weeks after the initial jump for joy a ton of other feelings soon came flooding in. I feel if I don't need to be on bed rest then I must be absolutely fine now not Ill and ready to be sent home this isn't helped by the fact I feel so disgustingly huge and detest being me.

I wish I could step out of my body for a few minutes and have a look at myself without anorexic goggles on and see how others see me but I can't and so all I'm left with is the constant terror and out of control feeling.

I spoke to the doctor this morning and was trying to get her to understand why I feel like I want to go home that my fear is that the weight isn't going to stop despite what they keep telling me as all the evidence so far just supports what I think and not what they are saying. I fear that I will never be able to eat normally again and so may as well just leave and go back to how I was at least then I felt in control and not completely day in day out disgusted by my body.
I have tried to get the doctor to agree to discus in ward round a plan of action so I know that when I get to my target weight if I'm still on this tiny diet and still gaining that there will be something they can do. I know they keep saying it won't be the case but I don't believe them and need to know that something will be in place for that eventuality otherwise I may as well just give up now!

I really can't pick myself up my mood is at an all time low and everything feels hopeless I honestly feel that it would be better if I could go to sleep and not wake up. I'm sorry if this is hard for people to hear and it's not said to hurt or upset people it's just about me being honest. It feels like if I will never be able to maintain at a weight I am relatively comfortable with and is healthier then I may as well not put myself through all this agony and just give up. It seems ridiculous if I can't be guaranteed of help to maintain then I will just end up loosing weight again and the vicious cycle will start again and quite frankly I can't deal with that prospect and I'm certain that neither will Ben or my family.

Have just had a good talk with the nurse and have gone over my ward round form it has helped a little as at least I felt like he had listened to my concerns and helped me get it down on paper in a relatively constructive and succinct way. He has asked for the team to review a plan for when I get to the weight I don't think I will want to go above as a starting point and in return I have agreed to see how I feel when i reach that point rather than just say now that there is no way I will go above that it seems a good compromise as in fairness I don't know how I will feel. I can only go on previous experience but that is experience from 11 years ago which is the last time I weighed that much. He also made me see that it is ok not to trust them as its honest and means that I am facing feelings rather than pretending there not there and it doesn't make me a bad person.

I think I will bop off now as I imagine i have depressed you all enough for one day but I will share something that the nurse has just said that I hope will turn out to be true "those who feel and acknowledge the pain are the ones that will recover"

Sunday, 11 November 2012

Want to go back

Nice to see that yet again I was right not to get my hopes up over the final plateauing of my weight as predicted it went up in a large jump yet again. To make my utter despair worse my weight has now gone from the 20's to the 30's (kg) it has not been this high in years and I completely hate it and myself for allowing it to happen.

All I want to see is for it to plateau so I know my body is finally ready to accept more, I know it sounds strange to be in an ed unit and getting upset over a tiny diet but I am. I feel at the moment that my weight is going to continue to increase to the point I reach my target weight and I will still be on the same diet as I was on seven weeks ago and will then need to reduce it to try to stop it increasing further.

What makes it worse is that the dietician said weeks ago that the diet I was on wasn't adequate to really make me gain much weight, so how is it I have only had one increase (adding around 200 calories) in nine weeks and I have put on over a stone and it's still going!!

Each meal I eat looks huge but I know realistically if someone without an ed were to be given it they would be shocked and ask where the rest of the meal was but this is making me feel even more like I will never eat normally again. Now I know I haven't really eaten normally for years and I accept eating what ever you want as long as you can vomit is not normal but the way I feel is that I would prefer to go back to that than deal with the prospect of never eating the foods I love ever again without this continued weight gain.

I really want to give in tell the staff to stick treatment where the sun doesn't shine as up to yet they have been wrong and I am terrified that I am going to be the exception to the rule (more than I have already) and the weight really isn't going to stop. I want to go home so I can once again be comfortable in my skin and feel like I have a semblance of control over my own body deluded or not this is what I want.

Short of refusing to eat I don't know how to deal with this as I don't trust the dietician or staff as up to yet its me that's been correct about my weight and it feels like they are just saying it will stop in order to placate me. Well I'm sorry but it isn't working. My head is screaming and I want to rip at my skin to try to get rid of the disgusting fat covering my stomach, bum and thighs!

Quite frankly I am repulsed by my body and feel weak at my inability to stop the weight and feel like I am spiralling out of control, set for a melt down on a global scale and god help those around when I do.


Well I have picked up my iPad so this is deffinately progress on yesterday which I spent asleep for 90% of the day suffering with a migraine. I was only awake yesterday for meals and snacks and slept the rest of the time until my dad came. Luckily today although I still have a headache it is better than it was. Despite feeling physically Ill and having a reason to sleep my head screamed at me that I was such a fat lazy slob for sleeping and not sticking to what I had planned to do ie my course work. It feels like everything I ate yesterday has just been turned in to fat fat fat. I feel like the entire day was a failure on my part that I gave in and slept rather than fighting through and doing work, if I had been at home I would have made myself go to work no matter how unwell I felt and so I am struggling to accept that in here should be any different.

However in here is different after all it isn't home its a hospital. On the flip side though I think I found it particularly hard because here is effectively home, a crap home mind you, and so it felt no different for me not to push through the pain and carry on so felt like I had failed by giving in.

I think because you are here for such a long period of time you make your environment as homely as you possibly can so I have photos, pictures, books, my laptop, and other homely items, I don't think it would be possible to survive in here without these home comforts. On the other hand because it doesn't feel like a hospital and because I don't feel Ill it's hard not to feel like you should continue in the way you always have. I suppose it's about weighing up the feeling of being in hospital and this also being your temporary home. Life continues in here and continues on the outside it's just in here it feels like its moving at half speed and that outside its moving at double speed often leaving me feeling like I will be forever playing catch up.

What I find hard to accept is that I will never truly catch up I will just at some point rejoin the real world and it will carry on, I will never be able to claw back the years I have wasted giving in to this illness never have that time again to do things differently.

A nurse asked me this week how my life would look now if I had never had this illness and I was devastated to think about it as in truth it has now been so long I couldn't think of a life without this not having any real idea what I would have done and the person I would have become. I became so angry at the thought but more at the reality that I will never know who or what I would have been because I can't turn back the clock so all I can do is go forward but I am terrified that I will never be free from the grasps of the illness and therefore never really know who the real me is or what a real life is like. What's more frightening though is if I do find these things and discover that I don't like who and what I have become what if other people no longer like me it's the dreaded fear of the unknown. I think that's part of the way this illness keeps you stuck tricking you that the unknown is always something to fear rather than embrace and look forward to even if with some intrepidation making you feel like you should stay the same in order to feel safe and secure rather than vulnerable and scared.

While the unknown I think will always remain fearful to me rather than exciting it's taking a chance that the outcome might be better than the present and thinking in truth with my current situation could it really be any worse. A nurse made a very good point the other day while she stressed she was not advocating it she did say that if I got to the other end or at least as close to it as I could reaching a healthier weight and lifestyle and did find that I hated it as much as I think I will I could always come back to how I am now after all no one knows how to loose weight better than an anorexic! I suppose her point is that it's shit now and it might be shit the other end but at least if I get to the other end I have given myself the chance to see how I feel about it rather than just giving in to the fear and staying where I am.

So here goes another day and while I will continue to try to embrace the unknown weigh day is looming and I am dreading it. Maybe one day I will be able to embrace the unknown, greet weigh day without fear see the weight go up and feel glad rather than utter despair.

Friday, 9 November 2012


Feeling quite low today, didn't sleep too well again and when I was asleep I was dreaming about being here and the staff, I think that probably equates to a nightmare! Looked in the mirror and my stomach is looking so big I could sob I feel completely disgusting and lazy my bum looks flabby and my thighs are just chunky.

Doesn't help feeling so helpless, Ben is really stressed work wise and it's really getting him down it's so hard when I don't really know what to say to help and I can't even give him a hug. He isn't able to come home this weekend so that will be hard not just for me but I imagine for him as well although I hope he is not worrying too much about me and just concentrating on himself and the job in hand.

Yesterday was hard I was unbelievably tired all day and really struggled to keep my eyes open it really was just a constant battle. I am not wanting to sleep because I feel guilty and lazy and like I should be doing my course work not lazing about like a slob. The staff and even the other patients have said if your tired you should rest and then when you do feel like working it will be more productive, I wish I could think like this but it just feels so lazy to be sleeping in the day but yesterday I just couldn't stay awake.

A couple of my close friends came to visit last night which did make the end of the day more bearable as its a flash of normality catching up on the gossip and having some real girlie time. I have wonderful friends who I would not have come so far without their constant love, care, support and humour. I only hope one day I will be able to do for them what they do for me, to have the ability to be a proper friend who can give as well as take.

Not really much goes on now till Monday in terms of groups and quite a few people are going on weekend leave today not returning till Sunday night. Its so hard to watch people go home and hear how their going to spend time shopping, seeing friends and family or even just getting to sleep in their own bed while at the same time being really pleased for them. My weekend will be quiet and ultimately I will just be waiting for weigh day on Monday and dreading it. I think I will try to get some work done been as though there are no groups and the unit will be quiet. Mom is going to the craft fair on Saturday but thankfully my dad has said he will come over on the train I am so glad as it's good to spend some time together on our own (it's also a good opportunity for me to kick his bum at scrabble!!) mom will come over later, they will get some food and then come back till 9pm so at least my afternoon will be better.

It's hard to imagine how I would ever get through some days in here without friends and family to offer love and support and even at times allowing themselves to be my punch bag. At times like this you really get to see who your true friends are and it still shocks me each day how much they will stand by you even when you can offer little or nothing in return. I wish to these people and I hope they know who they are that I could give them something to show them how much they mean to me, how truly sorry I am for putting them through this and how I hope above hope that one day things will change and I can be the friend to them they so rightly deserve to have.